Those Lil Devils

So they (whom ever the heck 'they' really is) say the egg is the perfect food. Who can beat it for its versatility, protein punch and affordability? Few can compare and lets face it, eggs are available to everyone across the income spectrum.

I have seen Rocky down them raw on the silver screen; I'm certainly not goin' there. Ive seen Adam on Man vs. Food attempt to eat an omelet the size of a literal serving platter; I'm not down with downing a dozen eggs. But ohhhh I love me a deviled egg and that's what I had for lunch.

Sounds naughty with the mayo and all but I measured it out to one perfect tablespoon and threw out a yolk to even the playing field. A smoothie to top it off and I didn't do too bad calories wise at under 350 for the whole shebang. I hear tell that protein is sposed to stave off hunger. That's what I'm goin' for... staving off that which drives me...CraZy

~HoneyB~

It's In The Bowl

So my mom makes these beautiful bowls. Plates and other things too but I adore her bowls. She handcrafts them, glazes them, fires them and gives them to those she loves. I have never used mine, afraid they might break. She wants me to use them and they are dishwasher safe she assures but again I hesitate... I would feel awful if they were broken. Until today that is.

Ive been in a funk, this is no secret. I have decided to not let this detour me. Happiness lecture from hubby or not, I need to lose this weight. I need it gone now. Heres where my bowls come in. She has made me small ones and really large soup ones and between ones. Portion hasnt been my strong point thus far, and bowls are cupped like hands, like measuring cups ready to met out only a certain amount. This ties into my next discovery.

Poor people eat soup. I know, I have a huge family and it feeds a ton of people and fills you up and stretches your dime purdy darn far. And its nutritious, has variety in color, taste, texture, smell... its a wonderful versatile item. It can be eaten warm or cold., it can be rich or thin, bold or subtle. People in countries where obesity isn't an issue eat soup. A LOT of soup. People who have weight loss surgeries eat soup for weeks on end. Those weeks in which they lose the most I might add. *I know this isn't an absolute for everyone you get what I'm sayin' though*

I went to recipezaar.com and typed in "soup" and there are 16,456 recipes for soup! Imagine the culinary possibilities! Imagine the menu! You would have to eat 45 different soups 365 days a year in order to get through to the same one again! The beauty is that although there are few that are so decadent and high in calories that you might not want to eat a ton, the reality is that even if you gorged yourself on a huge quantity of soup you in most cases could never eat enough soup at any one given meal to make you truly fat. This got me thinkin'... Im starting over. Im eating what ever I want, clarify that, what ever soup I want and there are a butt load of em. Im using my mothers bowls, cuz I love em, cuz she loves me and in the end it makes both of us happy :)

Starting tomorrow I'm starting my 'soup-a-thon' and I'm gonna see in 14 days what those results are. How will I compare to those who are surgically forced to eat soup? How will I fare mentally? Will I want to chew my hubbys arm off just to get something more solid? I dunno, but Im gonna find out ;)

Finally excited again :)

The Calm After The Storm

I dont know what the heck happened to me yesterday but today all is well on the upper Midwestern front. I feel soooo bad I didn't get my exercise in yesterday for the Twon Challenge :( I was going to do it last night after the baby laid down but she pulled another crabby almost all niter. So much so I came down to the living room with her just so poor hubby could get a few hours sleep before work today. I dont know who these teeth are hurting more :P

At any rate I got up this morning an saw hubby off to work and baby Lilly was sleeping, tuckered out from her teething and I took advantage of the relative calm. I got in an hour of step aerobics and accomplished over 6000 steps! I am planning on giving it another hour tonight if baby cooperates with the whole bedtime plan ;)

My eating has been right where I want it thus far. This morning I had green tea and yogurt with almonds for breakfast and for lunch I had mixed cauliflower and broccoli steamed with some grilled Tilapia (spelling?) and yogurt, no almonds. Been chugging the water as I go about cleaning the house. I'm feelin fine and I still dont know what the heck happened yesterday.

I have to say, I confessed to my hubby right away when he came home. I expected him to be disappointed or something. He wasn't, he was very supportive. He said just to forget about it and since it was over and done with there was no need fretting over it. He hugged me and told me he is proud of me... that right there was enough incentive to make him proud again today :) Goodness I love that guy ...

Tuesday Weigh In.... Big Smiles for Ms. Mii

So I was pleased today at weigh in :) 6.8 lbs down since last week! I have not been able to exercise all week and actually today was my first day back at it. This morning I did an hour of step aerobics and some of my Biggest Loser Wii work out. I know now that I'm able to be back on my feet I can kick some booty outta this blubber in the coming few weeks. I guess Ill just have to have faith that even on that week where I cant exercise if I eat right (for the most part, I swear it was only a wee lil of my homemade ice cream :P) the weight will come off anyhow.

This week my fitness goals are going to be working on Twons Challenge, and sticking strictly to my diet. I dont count calories as much as I suppose I should, but I do pay very close attention to portion size and what a correct portion of my healthy foods is. I know what the calories are of each food so I can have sort of a  rough guesstimate of what each meal is but I am trying to stay away from obsessing about my calories. My theory on this is that eventually I wont be on a weight loss diet. I will be just living. I want to instinctively know when and how much to eat and so far its working for me. I can feel that my stomach is now smaller (on the inside I mean in its capacity to hold a lot) and instead of pushing that to the over full uff-da feeling I stop.

Happy happy girl today :)

*side note it was so cute! So i went to take my shower after I did my workout and my Wii board was still on the floor. Lil Lilly-the 11 month old- decided to work out and when I came back down (her older brother was watching her while I cleaned up) she was on the Wii board with the controller in her hand trying to get the Wii Fit to go. She was soooooo cute! I guess what it is our lil ones see us do, really is what they are going to end up doing for the most part even in terms of fitness.*

What habits for the good have rubbed off on your friends or family since you've started your quest to become a fitter you?

Yeah, Its Not Official But.... YEAH!!!

So we all know from my last lil TMI post on weigh in day I am having some difficulties that cant be avoided this week... grrrr. Well only 2 days later I am down 1.3 lbs more! Mind you I have sat on my rather ample tush during this whole time as is Dr.'s orders for the problem previously described in said TMI post :P It raises some very interesting things in terms of weight loss and being a woman.

We all know there's bloating. We all know there are legitimate cravings and mood swings that range from slightly inconvenient to my poor hubby acting like Gandalf protecting all from the fire and shadow demon as he says "Run you fools!". We women are subject to a pretty sever hormonal slap each and every single month. Not within our control, and unavoidable. How does this play into our diet, our exercise and our over all enthusiasm about the process? I dunno, but I'm gonna try to figure it out, at least me out, so that in the months ahead I am not derailing myself by my own body's biological sabotage.

I am encouraged to see the scale move this morning with less than nada effort. This indeed says to me there is something besides what I am doing in a physical way to myself during these 10 or so days that plays a part. But to what extent? I have started having my son do some herbal research into the matter. So far he hasn't got the right stuff for my TMI problem just growing about around here (although there is several herbal concoctions for that as well!) but he has come up with something interesting for the bloat. I'm going to give it a whirl today. Dandelion leaves. Apparently a great tea used for water retention at "that time" for women.

So being aware of this thanks to charting on the Wii, gotta love graphs!, and just being more conscious of my body has made a big difference this month. Maybe not physically, but I dont feel so out of control emotionally. Seeing  how quickly things can change back to normal has been a boost. I dont feel like everything Ive done has been for nothing and I am starting all over.

I used to always feel like I was in this big circle just repeating my self each month. I know if I keep it under control at this time, than even though there are some things I cant alleviate, all my hard work isn't for naught.I do know that my better eating choices have made me feel a little physically and a lot emotionally better this time. That's a HUGE plus and I think when my body returns to normal it will show its self even more in the scales.

Off to drink my tea!

Tuesday Weigh In....

My weight went all over the place this past week... note the huge 4 lb gain right there in the middle? Was not happy about that :( Over all I did lose (not much) and I did make my first weight loss goal of 25 lbs lost so far. 25.1 to be exact :)))) So even thoough I knocked off that 4 lb spike I still only had a pathetic 0.5 lbs loss over all.

Things I think that went wrong for me this week when I look back were some issues I dont think I can help and some that I did have in my power to control. I had PMS last week which means water retension for me (not within my control) and cravings that I gave into on occasion (soooo within my control) and Im kicking myself for that now.

Another issue is exercise and will continue to be an even bigger issue this week. Last week I was on a hot streak until the weekend. I felt set back a bit by the whole shoe thing on Wednsday as we live 45 minutes from the nearest pace to get any shoes so they have to wait until our regular shopping day which is this Friday. I did do My Biggest Loser workout for the Wii in which I dont need any shoes, but then slacked on the weekend when I began to start feeling sick and icky. Mistake. Shoulda worked through it.

The bigger challenge this week is going to be any form of exercise at all :( Yes I know TMI moment here but when 'that time' comes (ladies you know what Im sayin) I cant do any physical work. I mean not even lifting a laundry basket full of wet clothes. When I had the two miscarriages before the birth of my seventh child I developed a bleeding problem and I am virtually on total rest during this week. It sucks but trust me when I say its better than hemorrhaging since the nearest ER is also 45 minutes away. So here I sit. If I just maintain during this week I will be a very, very happy girl.

All in all I think there were a lot of things I did right this week in terms of food choices and exercise, but again in retrospect I have some areas I can definitely work on.

So I Just Gotta Know... Is This a Girl Thing???

What the holy heck is all I can keep sayin.... Is this a girl thing or do guys do this too? The 'thing' I'm talkin about is this overly bitchy back stabby weird jealous thing that women get. Well a lot of women get and for the LIFE of me I cannot figure out why the biggest 'tearer' down of a woman is often OTHER WOMEN!!!!!.

I'm huge, but I'm stickin to it... I'm a whale of a woman but Ive got a lil less blubber than a month ago. I'm trying desperately to change my life, my whole being and its not easy. Its hard. It sucks and at times I want to give up. At times I don't really think I'm gonna make it. Point? When I started this journey I didnt have a blog. When I started this weight loss battle I needed the shoulders of my friends, I still do. But I got none :( So I started to write. And it made it better when I began to read all of you fellow weight loss fighters words out there in Bloggerland and beyond. I found a shoulder here in cyber space. Encouragement in all your posts about how you all were fighting this same fight. I'm so very happy for each success and my heart hurts when I read of your struggles. Ive been there, I can relate and its not a great spot to be in.

I don't understand what happens to us women. If a woman has success in her battle, especially a physical one, whether weight, money or relationship, it seems women can get very snipe-ish. I haven't pushed any of my friends in my direction. They at times have said they wanted to do it too and then treated me like the food police. People I dont care what you eat... I cant control my own mouth how am I going to control yours? Phone calls became few to none. Support, non existent. What the Heck????

Another female friend of mine had the gastric. Im so proud of her, shes lost over 60 lbs. She is battling the same thing. Female friends that don't speak to her any more. Friends not calling. Her best friend for over 20 years is avoiding her. No its not because she thinks she looks hot and is flaunting it... shes lost 60 lbs and still wont wear anything but huge mens sweatshirts because she still thinks she looks huge. Shes not flaunting it at all... shes just smaller. And so as she has changed so have they.

This is really sad. One of the worst traits about being a woman. We do it all the time. I cant tell you how many posts I read on my hubbys Face Book after the Academy Awards on how Sarah J Parker looks like crap and this one or that one looks fat. Really? really? I bet most of them were sitting in their sweat pants eating cheezy poofs while analyzing J Los ass. But Im ranting. I know it. Ill stop it... still fuming, but calmer.

Thanks for letting me blab it all out here. Thanks for being my cyber shoulder. thanks for not leaving me alone with my fears and my doubts and my huge fat arse! I just GOTTA know guys (and gals) out there.... is this just a chick thing? Do guys get all bent and jealous over dumb stupid crap too? Cuz I gotta tell ya, I did not see one post on hubbys FBook about Brad Pitts ass in his jeans coming from some guy, and I doubt I ever will.

Have any of you experienced strange friendship/relationship problems since getting healthier? How did you handle it?

My Carrot Tomorrow , Rewards Today...

 I think everyone has a carrot. That one thing they would love as their "super" reward when they reach goal. New clothes for some, vacation for others, tummy tucks for a few. Now I know, losing 100 lbs and gaining so much in terms of health and mobility is a huge reward in and of its self; but I cant be the only one here with some other incentive. I'll get to that in a wee lil minute...



When I wrote yesterdays post I began to think of the things I have missed over the last couple of years. Not just personal things that would have benefited me, but opportunities that would have helped out our family. Business opportunities. I can honestly say that on a weekly basis I have some one ask me to shoot them. No, not put them out of their misery but photograph them. Photography has been my passion for some years now.

I have shied away not because I am not confidant in my ability, but because I am just all around not confident in myself. I wonder if I would have seized these chances and just gone with it if it could have really gone somewhere. Yesterday I made a firm resolve to stop wondering.





Here's the carrot. I only have a point and shoot. This year my hubby was going to buy me my dream camera, but I stopped him. He had it ordered, and I canceled it. Not because I didn't want it, but because I knew in my heart I wouldn't really get out there. I have always said to friends and family that I turn down these requests because I don't have a nice enough camera for the shots... ohhhh but if I did, what then would be my excuse?

So there it is; the carrot. My camera. I am worth it, and I do deserve it. For every pound I lose $10.00 goes into the camera fund. For every pound I lose I'm building up a savings for my dream. When I'm done with this 100 lbs. Ill have ALL the tools I need to succeed and the confidence I am lacking to make my dreams come true. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to take risks or work on it now.

I went out yesterday, point-n-shoot in hand and shot some photos of my daughter in preparation for a friend I actually got up the nerve to say "Yes" to. Her twins are graduating, a boy and a girl, and she wants me to take their pictures. I'm scared as hell at the thought. I haven't shot for anyone else in a long time. I have a million reasons why I feel this way and all of them could justify a really weak excuse for saying "no". I am embarrassed to get up and down off my knees and I even at times am on my belly. I don't feel like I have the 'right' tools for the job, mentally or physically.

But you know what? This woman knows me. She knows the tools I have, she knows my limitations. I don't have to have an over abundance of confidence right now. I'm building it, I'm depositing this experience in my mental savings just like the money for the physical pounds I'm losing. and I will be richer for it. Someday when I really need it I can cash it in.

What are your 'carrots'?

I'm In Love... Or At The Very Least Awe

I was doing my usual early morning thing, waiting on the baby to wake and having my green tea while I check out up dates from bloggers I follow, and scoping out new ones that catch my eye when it happened. I stumbled across a blog many of you prolly already know about but I LOVE it! It has everything I could ever ask for in my quest for fitness.

Trainer Mama had me hooked from the first paragraph. I am in love with the information, how its put together, the pictures, the food, the recipes... for me it has it all. It was like discovering something I had been looking for that clicked. Earlier on this month in my new lifestyle change I was reading Susan Powters book The Politics of Stupid and although I love the information and I think Susan is dead on with what shes saying, I just *cringe* dont really like her... ummmm... delivery? Or attitude or something.

Any how, while I clicked with Susans philosophy I didn't feel like she was  a good fit for me in the way I would like. I am a person who gets slightly obsessed with something I am focusing on. Ok a lil more than slightly. I love information and tons of it. I read everything I can and enjoy seeking out whats going to best work. I am also a person who needs upbeat and inspiring people to keep my momentum up when I feel less than inspired myself. I think this is what attracts me to the "Blogger" world; the opportunity to read such meaningful articles and posts by people has on more than one occasion gotten my fat rump outta my chair to get fit.

Trainer Mama was an ah-ha! site for me. Like shes the big sister in my fitness family. The sister you always strive to be more like :) Its like the site walks with me hand in hand, showing me cool new exercise things I may not have thought about but would have a blast doing, i.e. weighted Hula Hooping! And what fun for the kids as well! I am hooked on seeing what she eats everyday. I mean every day. We get to see what it is and she provides pictures and recipes! At any rate I hope if you havent dropped by this site you might just go take a peek :) I LOVE IT!!!

Ok, enough raving I'm getting my fat booty up and going to do the Biggest Loser work out game for my Wii. Due to my ouchie foot from yesterday and the fact its raining hard out I am stuck indoors attempting to break a sweat. I haven't tried the B/L workout game yet, Ive watched it, haven't tried it and I'm thinking Jillians going to make me cry.

What are your favorite weight loss blogs/sites?

*goes out singing "Big Girls Don't Cry..."...*

Tuesday Weigh In :)

So today is weigh in day and despite my bloating and PMS problems this week I am down 2.2 lbs!!!!!! Yeah! That brings the grand total to 24.6 lbs lost :) I am 6 tenths away from my first goal of 25 lbs :) As you can see from my Wii graph, yesterday I was down .2lbs more than I am today and I was good as gold on my diet and exercise yesterday. I dunno, maybe like I said, water or something ... 

So excited.... the numbers are still huge, but they are getting smaller every day!

Supper Time ...

Relearning how to eat has really been an adventure in relearning how to cook. I am a comfort food mama. I can make the most decadent desserts, the ohhhh so heavy pastas and everything in between. This whole new cooking, well its been an adventure for sure.

Tonight my family ate pasta with homemade marinara with grilled Italian sausages and a heavy dose of Mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses for extra gooey goodness. None of them is fat. With the exception of my hubby all of them stick to one normal portion and are satisfied. Hubby loves to eat, but is in no way chunky, though after a recent job change he did for a nano second have the slightest of tummies, a few days of only eating one giant dinner instead of two and he is back to normal. Men.... grrrrr.....

I have always experienced feelings of deprivation when trying to 'diet'. Especially as I cooked. Not true now and I cant quite put my finger on it. I just know that I am not sneaking some here and there, just a taste or five for the cook doncha know :)))) I am really liking the way my food makes me feel after I eat it. Instead of feeling full, in a food coma, I feel full, but awake.... alive.

I know I should but I don't count calories as much as just take a simple inventory of my portion size. It seems to be working for me, perhaps not as quick as it would if I was adhering to a strict calorie count. At any rate I think Ill keep this way going until I need to change it.

I have found my best friend in this whole new to me cooking experience is spices and lots of them. I think I have purchased more new spices out of my spice comfort zone in the last couple of weeks than in the last year or two combined.

What kinds of meals do you make? Whats your favorite one?

Tuesday Weigh In

Well today was weigh in day and although it isnt coming off as fast as Id like, I am DOWN!!!! Yeah!!!! *dancing the chunky chicken* :)

I have been still doing my diet and exercise and I have to say even if my body image isn't what Id like it to be my mental attitude is wayyyy improving. My hubby says I seem so much different to him; happier :) I think the vitamin B12 and vitamin B Complex is a big help in that. The good ole fashioned doses of vitamin D Ive been getting from Mr. Sun has been a boost as well!

So far this brings the total weight loss to 22.4 and this weeks loss is holding at 3.4 lbs :) I'm happy with that and if I can just hold steady this next week (evil water retention time, ummmm yeah ladies you know what I mean uhhhggg) Ill be really happy.

I have been pleasantly surprised that I am not craving salty or sweet foods... I have no desire for chocolate or to consume everything in sight. I am wondering if this has to do with my new diet. I haven't been eating any sugary foods, no flour or anything like that in the past couple of weeks and so far at least *knock on wood* I haven't been haunted by the PMS demon. I become a ravenous freak consuming everything that isn't nailed down :(

So I guess this ends this weigh in week pretty good all in all ... cant wait to see what next week brings!

P.S. Thank you so much yesterday for your words of encouragement. It meant a lot to me... I was feeling grumpy and blue and it was so nice to read the thoughtful sentiments each of you left. Thanks Again :)

Grrrrr... Gosh Darn It!!!!!

I'm feelin frustrated :( I'm gettin cranky :( I'm like a five year old pouty and impatient. Why is this weight not coming off faster? Tuesdays are my weigh in day and of course I am scale obsessed and am on it every day all times of the day. Heck I even weigh myself before and after I go to the bathroom :/ Its not moving. I'm frustrated. But not put off.

I have lost a ton of weight before... before the last bajillion pregnancies :P I did it the wrong way, I did it the fast way with quick results but ohhhh so unhealthy. I am older now, wiser now and know the benefits of being persistent. Hard work pays off... Yadda, yadda, yadda!!!! *stamps foot, sticks out bottom lip in protest!*

I know its gonna take time, I know its gonna be a long haul. I didn't get this huge over night and my rational brain tells me I'm not going to escape my fat trap in the blink of an eye but gall darn it throw me a bone scale of doom! I'm not going to get compulsive today and I'm not going to throw in the towel. I just need to vent. Tomorrow is my post date for my weight, Ill wait till then to post the source of my massive frustration. Thanks guys and gals of Bloggerland for letting me have my fit.

Do you weigh every day? How do I keep my ample butt away from the lil nay sayer in my bathroom that waits mocking me with its evil red LCD display? Grrrrrrr..... gosh darn it!

P.S. On the upside, my dear 5 year old daughter was sooooo darned cute giving me a grumpy face for my photo :)))) Wow my kidlets make me smile... fat or thin any day is a better day with them in my arms :)

Uhhhggggg.... Weigh In

Well after 8 days or so of feeling sorry for myself and not really doing anything I finally got back on the horse as of last Saturday (Friday night offically but...) and I feel great! Still HATE those numbers but I feel really energized and upbeat.

The difference, as I said in my post yesterday, I believe is totally from the fact that I have completely rearranged my eating patterns and the types of foods I eat. Switching to whole or real foods has made the biggest difference in the way I feel physically and mentally and also nearly eliminated my cravings.

I got in a bit of a slump there, thinking I couldn't do this on my own. Thinking I needed friends to join me and when they committed but I wasn't hearing from them that put me in a funk... but no more. I am going to do this, I got fat by myself and I'm going to get fit the same way. I guess its time to put on my big girl panties and shut off the nightlight and just face what ever it is I need to face head on.

Yesterday I did a first; I did step aerobics for 1 full hour! I was sooooo excited! My goal is to be able to work up to step aerobics for an hour and a half and weights for a half an hour.... I don't have a set time, I just am working my way there. I know that I want my body to "move in oxygen" for at least 1 to 2 hours a day. It just feels so darn good!

Well from the time I started my Wii fitness journey I have gone from stepping only 20 minutes to 60 and I have lost 8 lbs. I was dieting before I started the Wii Fit and I was 290.5 so its really a total of 18.7 lbs!!!! A long way to go yet I know, but baby I'm on my way! Just a side note about the exercise, it felt soooo good to hear how proud my hubby was of me. He can tell a difference in my attitude and how happy I seem. I'm so blessed to have him as my partner. I'm so thankful he is mine :)

Slackerzzzzzzzzz....

For those of you out there who might not know what this image is its Mii, or more specifically its me on the Wii. I am using my Wii (and not so successfully this week I might add) to track my weight loss and exercise to help me loss weight and give me the visual feed back I seem to need. This is great because I cant really see a 2 lb weight loss on myself, Im just too huge. But I can see it with the handy lil graph and it actually makes me feel like I have accomplished something. I get VERY discouraged very quickly :(

On the Wii Fit whom ever uses it lines up (see me, I'm the really round one in the middle) and then you grab your unfit self and continue on with your specific work out. Look at those lil slackers in my family. If you don't work out regularly your Mii passes out and cant stay awake due to your presumed extreme laziness. Those are but a few of my kidlets on there. Note they are ALL skinny Miis. You have no choice in this by the way. When it measures you it even chimes out in a high pitched voice "Obese!" and then sets your character as fat as it can :(

I was thinking on this picture, why is it some people can eat the same foods as others and not be huge? What makes them stop at 2 cookies when I finish the rest of the whole pan? How can I be more like them in terms of eating when I'm hungry, not for every other reason I can think of, literally. That reminds me its Friday. I kid you not, Friday is an excuse to eat like a pig. Hubby has the day off from work and I don't like him to see me diet so hows this for perverted thinking and radical excuse making.... I eat lots of food so he doesn't know I'm trying to lose weight. DUH!!!!!!! I know, I know, so backward. Wow, am I delusional at times.

So Im gonna tell em. I'm gonna blurt it out in a not so casual way. Ohhhh Ive hinted and said things like, "Id really like you guys to help me not eat so much." or asked on of my sons to be harder on me about exercise but I have never actually let them in. I have asked a couple of friends for support and really put it out there how I just dont think I can do this alone, but to no avail. I really need to make a firm commitment to myself. Perhaps in front of my hubby. Its almost as if I think that if I ask for help or tell him how much of a problem I have that he might finally figure out that I'm fat! :)))))))))))))))))) Ok, I need a hard slap. This man is NOT blind he knows I am fat. Sometimes I wish he was harder on me. Then I suppose if he was to say anything about my weight I would secretly hate him for it.

I did ask hubby to pick up a few things. Green tea and some vitamin B complex for starters. I am going grocery shopping today with him. We always go together and I am shy about picking up "diet food" because I suppose I am afraid of failing in front of him. What I need to realize is that I am failing him by not picking up better foods. I am letting he and the kids down by not making those changes that would make me a healthier mom, a sexier wife. Instead of being the strong one, the proud one, I think I need to humble myself enough to ask for what I need. Even if that means I might fail at times.

Ooey, Gooey and Yummy... Oh My!

I have a problem. I love to cook. No, I really love to cook. LOVE TO COOK. Everything is from scratch and homemade, partly because I have seven kids and economics demands feeding the masses be done without braking the budget. I bake everyday, make huge meals everyday and that isn't really a problem except the fact I love to eat it as much as I enjoy making it.

Now I just thought you should know that I have done this whole thing before. I lost 127 lbs in seven months and all while I was starting my own baking business. It can be done, this dance with food wherein you go out and have a great time with the coconut cream, you just have to learn how to kiss it goodbye at the end of the evening instead of taking it back to your place for a one night stand. One we all know we'll regret in the morning light.

I had that type of love affair with food before and it was a successful pairing. I danced and whipped and frosted but didn't dare to taste and lick or frolic with the enemy. I just cant seem to get that same mind set. I just cant seem to find that strength. I swear some days I seem like I got this and others I am consumed with consuming.

I have been searching everywhere for answers. Is it that I'm stressed? Not really. Am I bored? Not particularly. I do know that when I dumped the extra pounds before I was soooooo focused. I lost that focus when I became pregnant with my fifth child. The pounds started to slowly creep back up. After she was born I felt a little in control but then became pregnant with my sixth child three months after my fifth was born. Then the weight really piled back on.

After he was born I became pregnant two more times and we lost those pregnancies, something so painful to both of us I don't really think either of us dealt with it well. He worked himself to death and I successfully gained back the pounds I had managed to stave off through the previous children. Then baby number seven and bed rest for 10 months :( My only saving grace during that time was I was so sick with her through out the entire pregnancy I actually lost 17 lbs.

Now here we are, done having babies for sure and my little one is 10 months old. I'm just as fat as when I gave birth to her. No more baby excuses to lean on Im searching for that strength I once had to move my mountain of fat. It really does take strength that moves mountains. Inner strength and perhaps that's what I'm lacking. Where to find it, where to find it?

My whole family is thin. They eat all that I do and not a one of them has gotten a real weight problem. Oh my hubby put on a few pounds after a job change where he isn't as physical but nothing I would even notice if I wasn't the one sleeping next to him. Other than that my circle is a thin one save for one or two friends.

Ive asked for support. Ive asked for the shoulders I think I need this time to really no real avail. Yet I know this is one of those solitary journeys. Each must find their own path and walk it. Sometimes though it would be nice just to have some one trudging along beside me. Even Dorothy had the Lion, the Tinman and the Scarecrow to skip along with on her path to Emerald City. But I wont let it get me down, I'm gonna get there. I just have to learn how to be my own best friend, or at the very least be compassionate enough with myself to hold my own hand on my path to 'Onederland'.

Fuchsia Power

Ive been lookin for some really cute dresses to kind of get myself back into the spirit of being some what human everyday. I am not, nor have I ever ever been a pants wearer. I don't own a single pair, not in knit, denim or other wise. Thats right, no shorts or capri's either. I am a dress girl. Always have been so my momma tells me. Ohhhhh I tried even in my thin days to do the "in" thing and wear the jeans all the others were squeezing into but I never liked them.... the fit, the way they looked... the fact they could be worn equally as well by a man :/

When a person has seven kids you tend to, of course and as it should be, put their needs first. Clothing *duh me* being one of them. So since I figured, I never really go anywhere I only had 3 outfits to my name. Yes, 3 dresses hung in my closet. The rest of my stock in clothing is in the form of nighties (jammies) with matching robes. And no, I don't own any PJ pants either :)))) So now I'm on this quest to find pretty clothes. Pretty dresses to be exact for heavy women.

Part of the "new" me is finding the pieces of the old me again that I LIKED. I really liked being "girly". I really liked the feeling that being super feminine gave me. It was almost as if when I put on a beautiful dress and heels I felt like super woman. Super mom, super wife.... its like when I took off the dress and put on the jammies I some how felt less capable, or maybe I just thought less of me. Like June Cleaver without her pearls. Still just as 'June-ish' but there's something about a woman who wears pearls to make a pot roast. You just got the sense that June was in that kitchen because she wanted to be there, in some way she must have. She was obviously dressed to be anywhere else but, and yet she smiled. I know June isnt real... shes an 'ideal', at least for me.

So I'm going for the parts of me that bring out the best in my personality. Being a woman is such a gift and before any one says it, I know being a woman isnt defined by the clothes one wears or the hemline of a skirt. Yet for me I find comfort in the finished look of a made up face and I see confidence in a womans gait when she can master the 4 inch heel. My mothers generation would cringe I know.

So I ordered some beautiful dresses and I am patiently awaiting their arrival. I have been dressed in my own for the last three days.... I have to admit I do miss my jammies, they are soooo comfortable, and I feel fat when I am dressed. I feel fat all the time (duh me again :)))) I AM FAT!!!) but I guess when I am dressed I feel kinda icky. Like I notice how fat I really am when i guess the jammies help me hide that, at least to myself. Facing me, I suppose that's the point of this whole thing.

I have been doing my hair and make up as well. I really went out on a limb and painted my toes bright hot pink. Fuchsia Power. Oddly enough simple things like pretty toes does make me feel, if not more powerful, at the very least more upbeat. My 4 year old son was in shock. He had only seen his sisters with painted toes as I have not done it in so very long. He asked me why I did it. I said "Because I am a girl." What he said next shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. He looks at me with his big brown eyes and says quite seriously "Your not a girl, your a mommy!"

And there you have it. Outta the mouths of babes......

Lets begin.... Again!

There it is. The ugly numbers I run from... three lil digits that add up to one big cringe. I just started this quest yesterday on March 30, 2010. This is my year, yup.... the year of Ms. Mii.

So here I am AGAIN, trying to lose weight for like the billionth time in my adult life and I find myself feeling, well, kinda sorta lonely. Now those that know me in my real life might be thinking "How the heck can she ever feel "alone" with 7 kids and a hubby buzzing all around?" All that may be true and the house my be a whirlwind of activity with nary a second of honest privacy yet lemme tell ya; I'm the only fatty in these parts and none of them seem to really understand (I suppose they couldn't ever really) what a struggle it can truly be.

For the most part they think its not an issue. I am simply mom or I am the constant wife... but what about the woman? I am going to try to bring her to the forefront again. Going on a quest to find her. I think Ive just taken a back seat to meal time prep and hubbys dirty socks, all things that need doing for sure in a house hold of nine... but not to the exclusion of all else. I can be a better wife if I am a healthier wife.

So, I'm going on a quest of sorts. A hunt for the woman I long to be. I have let myself go in so, so many ways and I think by starting to peel off some layers.... one pound at a time. One challenge at a time, I might just reveal the girl I used to be. I remember her a lil bit, though through rose colored glasses I am sure.

When I met my husband I loved to dress in dresses or skirts everyday, and although I was a housewife it made me feel really good to feel pretty when he walked through the door. Now I live in a pony tail and pajamas. As I had more children I just seemed to gain more and more weight along with responsibility and with seven kids some things just are more important than others. Laundry to the tune of 4 regular loads a day plus one of diapers seemed to take up a good portion. Cooking like an army chef occupied my time as well. And ohhhhh the food. I love to cook it, I love to eat it, I love to delight my hubby and children with goodies and meals they love.

I have come to a point in my life, in part spurred on by my oldest son turning 18 *gasp!!!* yesterday, that I am no longer in baby making mode. Our youngest is almost 10 months, I stopped nursing her a week ago now and she is our last wee one. Is this a mothers midlife crisis? I have been preggers and or breastfeeding the majority of my adult life and have used it as a great excuse to eat ... A LOT!

Now with one "leaving the nest" and one "leaving the breast" I find my self kinda lost. Wondering where I went and how can I find me? It isn't I don't think in the reflection of my sink, and I wont find myself in the bubbles of my laundry soap. I'm gonna find myself I suppose by getting to know 'me'. I think I forgot, and I think some things have changed since I last really took a look.

So I decided to start with fitness. Well mind, body and spirit, right? I am a really big girl at this point so I have to go slower tahn I would like but I decided to use my Wii as a jumping off point. I'm going to be chronicling my adventures or miss adventures in weight loss and self discovery for "the world" to see. Being accountable hasn't really been my strong suit in the whole weight thing and support.... ohhh do I need support!

So I hope that some of you join along on my lil quest... I hope to make new friends and get to know new people. Who knows, I just might be reintroduced to Mii along the way ;)