What Is "Healthy"?

I think the hubby and I have a difference in opinion. I was in a mood yesterday, well really all week. Not a very good mood I might add. I wasn't really snapping at people, but disinterested would be more like it. I went through my motions doing my laundry and cooking, changing diapers and bathing lil bodies, helping with school work and monitoring childrens progress on their chores. But my head wasn't in it. My heart wasn't in it either.

Hubby and I had a talk last night and again this morning. Firstly let me reiterate what a supportive and loving hubby I have. I have said it a 1,000 times and Ill say it again; if I wanted the moon that man would find a way to rope it and hand it to me. But last night we had a talk about what "healthy" means. I found it means something totally different to he and I. Healthy to me means being fit, in shape, in control. Healthy to him means being happy. For him its is a state of mind issue. In his mind if one is truly happy everything else will work its self out. Truly happy is the key there. When one is truly happy they dont continually make choices that hurt themselves. Whether that be with food, sex, drugs etc... We all make occasional choices that aren't good he argued, but if your happy and genuinely enjoy who you are and where you are in your life those occasional bad decisions we make as humans dont become habits that inhibit our over all happiness. The man has a point.

He doesn't want me to do "this". He was honest about it. He thinks I am going about "this" from the wrong angle. He wants me to be healthy... translation; really be happy. Not content, which is what I am, but HAPPY. So as he left today he asked a few things of me. He asked that I go outside and simply enjoy it. Enjoy the sun without fidgeting and feeling guilty that I should be "doing" something. He told me to stop looking at what needs to get done and start enjoying what has already been accomplished.

All in all I know its true. I know humans are no different than animals and there must be some pay off, good or bad, that I'm getting out of over eating and not moving my body like I should. Some pound for pound pleasure I get out of my bad behavior. Were not stupid creatures and the whole world isn't on a diet so there's something that makes them move. Theres something that makes the rest of the world stop when they are full. I think hes right. It isnt about the foods or the work outs, its about healthy happiness. Its about making the simple right choices in small ways. A choice like having a normal portion and leaving some on the plate. A choice like walking the laundry out to the line instead of putting it in the dryer. Choices like walking to the mailbox instead of having the kids get the mail. There are a million small things that I can honestly say I put off to avoid moving. Its like when I sit on the dock instead of stand there and fish. Its like going to the park and watching while he pushes them on the swings. I think its not as complicated as we have all made it out to be; eat less, of anything, and move more, always.

In the end he will be supportive of my efforts what ever road I decide to take. He doesn't agree most days, hes proud of my resolve on others but on the whole he is supportive. Today he is picking me up Greek Yogurt cuz I asked for it. Cuz maybe Greek Yogurt is the key to my "happy" diet... :)))))

Things That Make You Go Hummmmm.....

That's the hubby and I. I often wonder what hes thinking. Really thinking. When we met I wasn't a big girl. Big girls aren't his cup of tea, not that he says it, but from his track record before me. His "type" as it were. They have been, best I can figure, small *I am 5 ft 9 in*, skinny *I am sooo not*, soft spoken *I am usually the loudest one around*, mild tempered *my kids call me 'mama bear' and not just cuz I'm as large as one* and blond *I'm dark, part Lakota Sioux* and generally they just were not anything like me.

Like any good hubby if I ask him about my weight or if he likes this or that he says nothing negative. He is the first to say great job, he is the one I can count on when I'm in need of a hug, but I wonder. I would suppose I'm not unlike many women who gain weight after saying "I do". Does he still find me attractive? Does he inwardly think I'm kinda gross, just like I outwardly think I'm kinda gross? When he makes love to me does he notice all of my rolls? When he says he has dreamed of me in the night, am I fat or thin in his dreams?

He is my inspiration, my love, my joy, my heart, oddly my biggest insecurity and the best part of me. Do I really want to know what hes really thinking? Probably not. Ignorance is bliss in my chubby world right now. I'm looking ahead to the day when I feel secure enough in my own skin to take at face value the good and loving things he says and does. Until then I'm so blessed to have a partner that never bats an eye when I tell him I'm going on yet another diet, never second guesses what I might need and doesn't voice his disappointment when I fail.

Today I am tired. The baby was up most of the night and morning came too soon. Today my back is killing me from my two days of an hour of step aerobics. Today I would gladly waste away my day knitting in my comfy chair, and he would encourage me to do so... anything to make me happy. But today I'm going to think of him. Today I am going to focus on us in the future. A wife that will play with him in the yard. A wife that will climb the fire tower with him to take pictures of fall leaves. A wife that will make love to him under the stars unashamed instead of loathing my self image, afraid he might catch a glimpse of this or that. I'm going to do those damn aerobics for the future me of tomorrow, today.

Slackerzzzzzzzzz....

For those of you out there who might not know what this image is its Mii, or more specifically its me on the Wii. I am using my Wii (and not so successfully this week I might add) to track my weight loss and exercise to help me loss weight and give me the visual feed back I seem to need. This is great because I cant really see a 2 lb weight loss on myself, Im just too huge. But I can see it with the handy lil graph and it actually makes me feel like I have accomplished something. I get VERY discouraged very quickly :(

On the Wii Fit whom ever uses it lines up (see me, I'm the really round one in the middle) and then you grab your unfit self and continue on with your specific work out. Look at those lil slackers in my family. If you don't work out regularly your Mii passes out and cant stay awake due to your presumed extreme laziness. Those are but a few of my kidlets on there. Note they are ALL skinny Miis. You have no choice in this by the way. When it measures you it even chimes out in a high pitched voice "Obese!" and then sets your character as fat as it can :(

I was thinking on this picture, why is it some people can eat the same foods as others and not be huge? What makes them stop at 2 cookies when I finish the rest of the whole pan? How can I be more like them in terms of eating when I'm hungry, not for every other reason I can think of, literally. That reminds me its Friday. I kid you not, Friday is an excuse to eat like a pig. Hubby has the day off from work and I don't like him to see me diet so hows this for perverted thinking and radical excuse making.... I eat lots of food so he doesn't know I'm trying to lose weight. DUH!!!!!!! I know, I know, so backward. Wow, am I delusional at times.

So Im gonna tell em. I'm gonna blurt it out in a not so casual way. Ohhhh Ive hinted and said things like, "Id really like you guys to help me not eat so much." or asked on of my sons to be harder on me about exercise but I have never actually let them in. I have asked a couple of friends for support and really put it out there how I just dont think I can do this alone, but to no avail. I really need to make a firm commitment to myself. Perhaps in front of my hubby. Its almost as if I think that if I ask for help or tell him how much of a problem I have that he might finally figure out that I'm fat! :)))))))))))))))))) Ok, I need a hard slap. This man is NOT blind he knows I am fat. Sometimes I wish he was harder on me. Then I suppose if he was to say anything about my weight I would secretly hate him for it.

I did ask hubby to pick up a few things. Green tea and some vitamin B complex for starters. I am going grocery shopping today with him. We always go together and I am shy about picking up "diet food" because I suppose I am afraid of failing in front of him. What I need to realize is that I am failing him by not picking up better foods. I am letting he and the kids down by not making those changes that would make me a healthier mom, a sexier wife. Instead of being the strong one, the proud one, I think I need to humble myself enough to ask for what I need. Even if that means I might fail at times.