Things That Make You Go Hummmmm.....

That's the hubby and I. I often wonder what hes thinking. Really thinking. When we met I wasn't a big girl. Big girls aren't his cup of tea, not that he says it, but from his track record before me. His "type" as it were. They have been, best I can figure, small *I am 5 ft 9 in*, skinny *I am sooo not*, soft spoken *I am usually the loudest one around*, mild tempered *my kids call me 'mama bear' and not just cuz I'm as large as one* and blond *I'm dark, part Lakota Sioux* and generally they just were not anything like me.

Like any good hubby if I ask him about my weight or if he likes this or that he says nothing negative. He is the first to say great job, he is the one I can count on when I'm in need of a hug, but I wonder. I would suppose I'm not unlike many women who gain weight after saying "I do". Does he still find me attractive? Does he inwardly think I'm kinda gross, just like I outwardly think I'm kinda gross? When he makes love to me does he notice all of my rolls? When he says he has dreamed of me in the night, am I fat or thin in his dreams?

He is my inspiration, my love, my joy, my heart, oddly my biggest insecurity and the best part of me. Do I really want to know what hes really thinking? Probably not. Ignorance is bliss in my chubby world right now. I'm looking ahead to the day when I feel secure enough in my own skin to take at face value the good and loving things he says and does. Until then I'm so blessed to have a partner that never bats an eye when I tell him I'm going on yet another diet, never second guesses what I might need and doesn't voice his disappointment when I fail.

Today I am tired. The baby was up most of the night and morning came too soon. Today my back is killing me from my two days of an hour of step aerobics. Today I would gladly waste away my day knitting in my comfy chair, and he would encourage me to do so... anything to make me happy. But today I'm going to think of him. Today I am going to focus on us in the future. A wife that will play with him in the yard. A wife that will climb the fire tower with him to take pictures of fall leaves. A wife that will make love to him under the stars unashamed instead of loathing my self image, afraid he might catch a glimpse of this or that. I'm going to do those damn aerobics for the future me of tomorrow, today.