Fuchsia Power

Ive been lookin for some really cute dresses to kind of get myself back into the spirit of being some what human everyday. I am not, nor have I ever ever been a pants wearer. I don't own a single pair, not in knit, denim or other wise. Thats right, no shorts or capri's either. I am a dress girl. Always have been so my momma tells me. Ohhhhh I tried even in my thin days to do the "in" thing and wear the jeans all the others were squeezing into but I never liked them.... the fit, the way they looked... the fact they could be worn equally as well by a man :/

When a person has seven kids you tend to, of course and as it should be, put their needs first. Clothing *duh me* being one of them. So since I figured, I never really go anywhere I only had 3 outfits to my name. Yes, 3 dresses hung in my closet. The rest of my stock in clothing is in the form of nighties (jammies) with matching robes. And no, I don't own any PJ pants either :)))) So now I'm on this quest to find pretty clothes. Pretty dresses to be exact for heavy women.

Part of the "new" me is finding the pieces of the old me again that I LIKED. I really liked being "girly". I really liked the feeling that being super feminine gave me. It was almost as if when I put on a beautiful dress and heels I felt like super woman. Super mom, super wife.... its like when I took off the dress and put on the jammies I some how felt less capable, or maybe I just thought less of me. Like June Cleaver without her pearls. Still just as 'June-ish' but there's something about a woman who wears pearls to make a pot roast. You just got the sense that June was in that kitchen because she wanted to be there, in some way she must have. She was obviously dressed to be anywhere else but, and yet she smiled. I know June isnt real... shes an 'ideal', at least for me.

So I'm going for the parts of me that bring out the best in my personality. Being a woman is such a gift and before any one says it, I know being a woman isnt defined by the clothes one wears or the hemline of a skirt. Yet for me I find comfort in the finished look of a made up face and I see confidence in a womans gait when she can master the 4 inch heel. My mothers generation would cringe I know.

So I ordered some beautiful dresses and I am patiently awaiting their arrival. I have been dressed in my own for the last three days.... I have to admit I do miss my jammies, they are soooo comfortable, and I feel fat when I am dressed. I feel fat all the time (duh me again :)))) I AM FAT!!!) but I guess when I am dressed I feel kinda icky. Like I notice how fat I really am when i guess the jammies help me hide that, at least to myself. Facing me, I suppose that's the point of this whole thing.

I have been doing my hair and make up as well. I really went out on a limb and painted my toes bright hot pink. Fuchsia Power. Oddly enough simple things like pretty toes does make me feel, if not more powerful, at the very least more upbeat. My 4 year old son was in shock. He had only seen his sisters with painted toes as I have not done it in so very long. He asked me why I did it. I said "Because I am a girl." What he said next shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. He looks at me with his big brown eyes and says quite seriously "Your not a girl, your a mommy!"

And there you have it. Outta the mouths of babes......

Lets begin.... Again!

There it is. The ugly numbers I run from... three lil digits that add up to one big cringe. I just started this quest yesterday on March 30, 2010. This is my year, yup.... the year of Ms. Mii.

So here I am AGAIN, trying to lose weight for like the billionth time in my adult life and I find myself feeling, well, kinda sorta lonely. Now those that know me in my real life might be thinking "How the heck can she ever feel "alone" with 7 kids and a hubby buzzing all around?" All that may be true and the house my be a whirlwind of activity with nary a second of honest privacy yet lemme tell ya; I'm the only fatty in these parts and none of them seem to really understand (I suppose they couldn't ever really) what a struggle it can truly be.

For the most part they think its not an issue. I am simply mom or I am the constant wife... but what about the woman? I am going to try to bring her to the forefront again. Going on a quest to find her. I think Ive just taken a back seat to meal time prep and hubbys dirty socks, all things that need doing for sure in a house hold of nine... but not to the exclusion of all else. I can be a better wife if I am a healthier wife.

So, I'm going on a quest of sorts. A hunt for the woman I long to be. I have let myself go in so, so many ways and I think by starting to peel off some layers.... one pound at a time. One challenge at a time, I might just reveal the girl I used to be. I remember her a lil bit, though through rose colored glasses I am sure.

When I met my husband I loved to dress in dresses or skirts everyday, and although I was a housewife it made me feel really good to feel pretty when he walked through the door. Now I live in a pony tail and pajamas. As I had more children I just seemed to gain more and more weight along with responsibility and with seven kids some things just are more important than others. Laundry to the tune of 4 regular loads a day plus one of diapers seemed to take up a good portion. Cooking like an army chef occupied my time as well. And ohhhhh the food. I love to cook it, I love to eat it, I love to delight my hubby and children with goodies and meals they love.

I have come to a point in my life, in part spurred on by my oldest son turning 18 *gasp!!!* yesterday, that I am no longer in baby making mode. Our youngest is almost 10 months, I stopped nursing her a week ago now and she is our last wee one. Is this a mothers midlife crisis? I have been preggers and or breastfeeding the majority of my adult life and have used it as a great excuse to eat ... A LOT!

Now with one "leaving the nest" and one "leaving the breast" I find my self kinda lost. Wondering where I went and how can I find me? It isn't I don't think in the reflection of my sink, and I wont find myself in the bubbles of my laundry soap. I'm gonna find myself I suppose by getting to know 'me'. I think I forgot, and I think some things have changed since I last really took a look.

So I decided to start with fitness. Well mind, body and spirit, right? I am a really big girl at this point so I have to go slower tahn I would like but I decided to use my Wii as a jumping off point. I'm going to be chronicling my adventures or miss adventures in weight loss and self discovery for "the world" to see. Being accountable hasn't really been my strong suit in the whole weight thing and support.... ohhh do I need support!

So I hope that some of you join along on my lil quest... I hope to make new friends and get to know new people. Who knows, I just might be reintroduced to Mii along the way ;)