Ive already done this weight loss thing. And I maintained it cuz I thought my 4th was my last baby. I know what you gonna say "But you gained it all back." and thats true... I did. I haven't quite figured out my food issues when I'm preggers. I eat enough for sextuplets. After a 127 lbs lost one would think you might know how to achieve that again. Not so easy. So after a reality b*@ch slap in the face this weekend I sat down and really thought about what I did before. Not food, not exercise but what my mind did before. Those are very different things. Every idiot knows you cant eat a gallon of Maple Nut ice cream every night and magically become a size 2. Eat less move more blah, blah, blah... I think were all smart enough to know that... the real question is what makes us 'dumb' enough not to.
I had a photo shoot this weekend. Family of 11 and can I say I NEVER have had to fake my way through something as much as I had this past weekend. It was at the lake, I had to bend, lay in the sand, get in the water (clinging dress *sniff, cry*) and just act in general like I had my crap together. Well people I freaking dont. Inside I was dying. I sat on the beach and the lower I had to crunch down the more my stomach and boobs threatened to smother me. I feared if I laid on my belly Green Peace would roll up in a rescue raft screaming "Heave Ho Boys, She cant breathe!!! Roll 'er back in!!!" I was uncomfortable to say the least.
I came home and after editing and getting out the photos yesterday I sat and did an inventory of what it takes to do this thing. I mean really, what did it take for me to get in, and stay in, the mindset to lose 127 lbs for petes sake??? I figured some things out. Some crucial things I had been missing, or at least had been asking for in places where I must have known they didnt exist. I have been thinking I need all of this support. Like somehow this comes from outside of myself and its not true. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE to have people in my life that are on the same journey. I adore that because theres a connection there that the "others" in my Lost world dont really get. I need the comradeship but the kind of support I was 'looking' for just doenst exist outside of myself.
How did I fix this last time? I wrote. I don't mean here, or to anybody or for anybody. I wrote out my obsession. I wrote through my hunger, my pain, my day to day struggle with myself. I wrote things in my journals I would never dare tell another soul, but I could admit to myself... then I could see it and purge it and be done with it. I filled 5 subject spiral notebooks like a mad woman. I shifted my focus from the outside stimuli to my inside feelings what ever they were and was able to push through them where no amount of help from anything external short of a shock collar would have sufficed. So I'm back to being spiral bound and it's cathartic in a way. I feel back on track but hesitate to say it. Im doing this quietly. Ill shout loudly when I need to in my own way in black and white between the sheets of an old comfortable friend.
On a "lighter" note I did enter the contest. The thought of updating that hideous video is appalling but then again when I was losing before I videoed nakey every 10 lbs for my eyes only of course. It was like some freak show of shrinkage in fast forward. The sickest part of that whole video experience? I literally couldn't tell even nakey until I had lost over 50 lbs. :))))) Onward and upward right?
Good for you. How wise of you to search for "your way" to do this and then to pursue it. Hopefully, you can still blog. But if not, that is fine. All of us who are on your team, would rather cheer your success as you quietly pursue this weight loss. So, do what you need to do and check in with us when you can.
ReplyDelete:))))) Im saving you guys from the incessant whining that is me when I am dieting :)))) Seriously though, I get my motivation to keep plugging away at it here, from reading all of you guys... You make me want to try harder to just get it right, to stop piddling around and lose the weight and start living my life.
ReplyDeleteI value my opportunity to blog here, to be able to ask questions and see where I'm going wrong. I just realized that looking back what I did last time really helped me through my dark moments...such a whiner I am.
Losing weight makes you crazy. Period.I'm really surprised that no one called me Whining Woman. I whine all the time on my blog, but I've managed to only get one rude anonymous comment.Those that are going through the same thing will understand your fears, troubles, and frustrations. You'll find what works for you, but know you have a lot of people behind you.
ReplyDeleteYou lost me after "boobs threatened to smother me."...jk
ReplyDeleteI admit it HoneyB...I like reading you posts and looking at you beautiful photos. You have a gift for expressing words and I admire that. As much as I enjoy your blog and your comments on mine...you and your family are number one and you gotta do what works.
I think blogs are supposed to be about yourself and not what the people read about you think. If whining helps..whine away. If people don't like it...then they can bugger off. You blogging duty is to be real.
Virtual Hugs for {{Honey B}}
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing is that you do what is right for yourself and your happiness.
I'll support you no matter what. Now you support yourself.
MM
you hit the nail on the head with 'the real question'. like you, i know exactly what to do, i just need to know how to commit to it.
ReplyDeletei've also lost a substantial amount of weight before (and put it back on, and then some) and often think, how come i'm finding it so much harder now? back then, i had less responsibilities and less pressure. i was able to prioritise 'me' and losing weight without argument. i don't have that now. i can't compare my circumstances. what worked for me then won't work for me now.
i think you're a fabulous writer, and i understand the tactile goodness of writing with a pen and paper. take that pen and go nuts.