Sorry I havent been around lately, but it doesnt mean I have given up the fight. I have been feeling a wee bit under the weather, but did my "first of the month" weigh in. Here it is ;) for those of you that care to watch. I still havent figured out the greeatest "diet" but I have figured me out ... at least I think. So far since June 1st Ive lost 24 lbs and I feel ok about taht. This is my PMS week so when I get my period a ton will come off. I guess I am really tired, really sleepy and dont have much to add really. :))))))
I think I stopped writing so much simply because I dont have anything on the diet front to write about. Am I losing weight? Yup... how? Eating less of any ole thing I want, and moving more always... but nothing intentional. It doesnt make for very exciting reading, but hell, it honestly does work ...
A ton has been going on on the photography front and I have had several clients and photo shoots. Life is moving along, and Im just moving along with it.
Hope every one is well :)
Monday, August 2, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Its in there somewhere....
I have thought my weight loss was closely linked to my hormones for a while now, in fact all spring since Ive been doing this. I have charted just this last month, and I was right. I have never gained weight without being in a hormonal state... pregnant. I have seven kids and have been pregnant 9 times losing two babies. I gain huge amounts of weight when I am pregnant, lose some after birth and then stall. I never gain more I just stall. Then when my normal cycle kicks in (if I get one since I tend to get preggers back to back) the hormone cyle starts all over again. If I get preggers I gain if I do not get preggers I lose like crazy with little to no effort for the first couple of weeks and then I ovulate and about 2-4 days later all holy hell breaks loose. I usually gain all of the weight I lost back, but not more.... until this time ;)
I noticed something about my eating. Ill call my period the first day of my cycle... on the first day of my cycle my eating shifts... I am hardly hungry, dont like food and what food I do choose to eat is actually healthy, low in fat and calories. I couldnt eat a big meal to save my life and sweets are not appetizing to me. I also am hyper, have a better mood, more social and fun. Then a couple of weeks in I ovulate and about 2-4 days after ovulation I can dramatically feel my mood and body change. I am crabby, I am so very tired I want to eat everything in sight and then some, I want fatty foods and in general anything I can consume. I gain all the weight back that I lost within the two weeks it takes to be back at the beginning of my cycle where it all starts all over again. Until this month.....
So I decided to fight it this month. It was miserable but I did it. I ate what I wanted to, just less of it. I still had all the things I wanted like ice cream and pasta and Mexican but I ate far less of it and walked away. So what did this do? I was able to hold my own for those two weeks. I fluctuated with a 2-4 lb gain but I held my own and low and behold it worked! As you can see from the chart I held steady and DIDNT gain the weight back like always! I lost 14.5 lbs last month which is good if you ask me. I am doing an official weigh in tomorrow but as of today I am down 17 lbs total and still losing. I was 269 on Sun/Mon and as of this morning I was 264.
There was no "exercise" other than moving more which is part of my plan but nothing structured with the exception of two walks early last month. I have been just moving more at all I do, during the time I am feeling like it, and eating less of what ever I want during the time I dont feel like moving if that makes any sense ))))
Im stickin with it... it seems to be workin ;)
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Busy, busy and a weigh in ....
I went to the doc, they are going to do some ultra sounds if my nether regions to see whats going on female wise. My weight has been fluctuating as much as 4 lbs up and down from my last weigh in, I recorded a video here.... I am days if not sooner than that away from my period and the fact that I didnt gain all of this weight back is something short of an F'in miracle!!!!! I hit it hard again today... and by hard I dont mean any more crazy measures, I just mean eating less of what ever the heck I want and going to be moving more. Im DONE with diets and in a couple of my videos I explain why. THEY DONT WORK!!!!! ohhhhh all diets will work if you work them, Im not saying that, Im just sayin unless you learn how to eat less naturally, it can never be maintained because, no one can stay on a diet for ever.... or at least not fat ppl or they wouldnt be fat in the first place cuz they would naturally be eating less.
I feel purdy passionate about his whole thing. I do, and calorie counting and restriction in a formal sense its all crap. Its a tool Ill give you that, but if you dont figure out that sick freakin relationship with food you got going to make you fat to begin with.... your just buyin time. NORMAL ppl dont count calories, or fast, or drink shakes, or starve themselves. Normal ppl eat less and move more than us fattys its just a fact. I hope you guys watch the other videos I put up on why i think this.... I know its working for me... I lost weight and didnt gain it back over these really tough 2 weeks ... that is astounding!
Wishing all of you out there a great extended weekend ... Im gonna go, I have a TON of blog reading to catch up on :)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Frame of Mind....
I got this new book ... yeah a new diet book, no laughing :P Great read I must say. If you like the scientific explanations of things in an easy to understand type lingo this is for you. Jackie Warner This is why your fat (and how to get thin forever) is a really good book. Of course I dug the diet stuff but the stuff i found really interesting was the metaphysical stuff. Like what you think about yourself is what you become.... I honestly think its true... no laughing again here :P
Since I have reevaluated my thinking and what I did last time to achieve success I keep losing weight. I honestly havent really been dieting. But I did and continue to, write down (journaling) how I am succeeding, what my success looks like and that I am simply going to lose the weight. Its not a question.... its not a hope, its a reality. Its just simply the time. I have things to do and really have no purpose for this fat any more. Im quite simply letting go.
She talks about this a bit in her book. The principal of the basket ball player who envisions making the free throw over and over before he ever touches the ball and low and behold he is more successful than if he had simply just taken the shot. We think and there for we are.... or become. But you have to be ready. I really liked this book over all.
I tried to remember where my successes came from last time when i lost all that weight. I remember I felt like I was just simply "done". I thought i was done having kids; on that I was wrong obviously :))) But I distinctly remember the feeling of being "done" with being fat. Not a frustrated feeling. Not a desperate "I want to be thin" feeling but more of a feeling that it had served his purpose and wasnt useful to me any more therefor I needed to put it down instead carrying it forward with me. And I did. In seven months without falter I let go of 127 lbs. And then I got preggers :)))))) and picked it alllll back up again :)))))
I have that same feeling now. The lbs are dropping off, I honestly have only gone out on my walk 2 times since getting my shoes. I do move around more, part of the move more plan, but its not contrived or organized. I dont orchestrate my movements as in a "walk" or "workout". I know, I know not good and prolly inefficient but again.... its working. Ive simply been doing more actual living. I have been painting, something I have put off for a year now. I have been outside gardening or simply just outside goofin with the kidlets.
I have weigh in again on Saturday for the contest. I am not panicked which is weird. I feel like Im gonna sweep this thing simply because Im not on a diet.... now how ass backwards is that???? I am making some better food choices but still eating what I want... just less of it. I have tuned into my tummy, not the calories and when I feel the food actually touch it, which is different than feeling full, I stop. I simply stop and give what ever I am eating to the nearest person to me to finish. I have found that when the food can be actually "felt" not full (just the slightest feeling that was hard for me to grasp at first.) that if I stop when I feel the food, that i will feel satisfied some minutes later when i walk away.
Normal thin people do not eat a set counted out amount of calories. They do not weigh their food or measure it in cups.... they eat until they are satisfied. They eat when they are hungry and you know what, they stop BEFORE they are full. Full isnt satisfied. Theres a difference and I had to learn what it was.
This is just what I have observed in my small circle of normal weight people. By no means am I saying every single person is like this. I really think this weight thing is a mind trip of the most physical kind. A journey unique to the individual.
Anywhoooo....
Its dinner time in these parts and hubby is grilling rib eye.... I could have turkey but Im havin steak. Im gonna savor it, I may only get three bites before I feel it in my tummy and have to pass my plate :))))
Since I have reevaluated my thinking and what I did last time to achieve success I keep losing weight. I honestly havent really been dieting. But I did and continue to, write down (journaling) how I am succeeding, what my success looks like and that I am simply going to lose the weight. Its not a question.... its not a hope, its a reality. Its just simply the time. I have things to do and really have no purpose for this fat any more. Im quite simply letting go.
She talks about this a bit in her book. The principal of the basket ball player who envisions making the free throw over and over before he ever touches the ball and low and behold he is more successful than if he had simply just taken the shot. We think and there for we are.... or become. But you have to be ready. I really liked this book over all.
I tried to remember where my successes came from last time when i lost all that weight. I remember I felt like I was just simply "done". I thought i was done having kids; on that I was wrong obviously :))) But I distinctly remember the feeling of being "done" with being fat. Not a frustrated feeling. Not a desperate "I want to be thin" feeling but more of a feeling that it had served his purpose and wasnt useful to me any more therefor I needed to put it down instead carrying it forward with me. And I did. In seven months without falter I let go of 127 lbs. And then I got preggers :)))))) and picked it alllll back up again :)))))
I have that same feeling now. The lbs are dropping off, I honestly have only gone out on my walk 2 times since getting my shoes. I do move around more, part of the move more plan, but its not contrived or organized. I dont orchestrate my movements as in a "walk" or "workout". I know, I know not good and prolly inefficient but again.... its working. Ive simply been doing more actual living. I have been painting, something I have put off for a year now. I have been outside gardening or simply just outside goofin with the kidlets.
I have weigh in again on Saturday for the contest. I am not panicked which is weird. I feel like Im gonna sweep this thing simply because Im not on a diet.... now how ass backwards is that???? I am making some better food choices but still eating what I want... just less of it. I have tuned into my tummy, not the calories and when I feel the food actually touch it, which is different than feeling full, I stop. I simply stop and give what ever I am eating to the nearest person to me to finish. I have found that when the food can be actually "felt" not full (just the slightest feeling that was hard for me to grasp at first.) that if I stop when I feel the food, that i will feel satisfied some minutes later when i walk away.
Normal thin people do not eat a set counted out amount of calories. They do not weigh their food or measure it in cups.... they eat until they are satisfied. They eat when they are hungry and you know what, they stop BEFORE they are full. Full isnt satisfied. Theres a difference and I had to learn what it was.
This is just what I have observed in my small circle of normal weight people. By no means am I saying every single person is like this. I really think this weight thing is a mind trip of the most physical kind. A journey unique to the individual.
Anywhoooo....
Its dinner time in these parts and hubby is grilling rib eye.... I could have turkey but Im havin steak. Im gonna savor it, I may only get three bites before I feel it in my tummy and have to pass my plate :))))
Monday, June 14, 2010
The Butt Crack Of Dawn
I have literally been up since before the sun peeked over the horizon. I decided to get a jump on painting the living room before the kidlets woke up. I am on my third coat. Primer people.... dont ever try and kid yourself into thinking you dont need it, Im frustrated living proof of that. grrrrrrr.... upside? What a terrific arm work out Im getting!
So, Im thinking of going on a water fast. I dunno, clean out the ole system kinda thing. Have any of you ever tried one? For how long? Thoughts on water fasts? Maybe I have just been up too darn tootin long smelling paint fumes ....
Wishing you all a wonderful Monday :)
So, Im thinking of going on a water fast. I dunno, clean out the ole system kinda thing. Have any of you ever tried one? For how long? Thoughts on water fasts? Maybe I have just been up too darn tootin long smelling paint fumes ....
Wishing you all a wonderful Monday :)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
NSV... Back In The Bedroom
The scale has been jumpin down darn tootin fast as of late. This morning it said 262 but never count your lost pounds so Ive learned until they have hatched into a perfectly recorded weigh in day. A whole lot can happen between now and then as all who have ever dieted know all to well. I still havent really noticed all that much my own self except that I fit better in my sons smallish pimp mobile for a car. Other than that, not really feelin it. But then again, if there were a 281 pile of bear crap in my yard would I notice if in the night someone stole 19 lbs of the ugly stuff? Prolly not so Im not too butt hurt that I dont, or that no one else really, has been noticing every lil pound fall off. Until today....
So hubby is my world. Anyone who knows me knows I am to die for gaga over that man. I love the smell of him, the sight of him, the taste of him, the sound of him and the feel of him along with a couple of extra senses Im sure he excites in me. It is also very special Sunday mornings. No matter what... come hell or high water we are together. It doesnt matter whats going on, what we have planned for the rest of the day or if weve been arguing the night before; Sunday morning is the sweetest day of the week in my house. We wake up before the kids, we touch base not as a man and wife, not as a mother and a father but as just a guy and a girl. We take time to... well we just take time which isnt easy at all since we have seven kids and he has two jobs.
He noticed this morning... right there, in the middle of me being self conscious all the while hes blissfully unaware of my inner turmoil about letting him see "this or that"... he noticed. My tummy is flatter ... as simple as that. Its flatter, he is closer... he noticed! I know, I know TMI moment but this is a big deal for me. Part, a huge, huge part of the reason why I am on this journey is for just this reason and to hear feel and see that its coming to fruition is a relief. Its an excitement. Its a feather in my cap to keep me flying while I whittle my way down through the numbers.
Thats all I got... it was a small thing, left me with a huge smile :) Wishing you all a wonderful Sunday ... hope you spend it with someone that you love *hugs*
One Of Those Moments
Have you ever had one of those moments when the stars just seemed aligned and all was right with your lil world? Ive been feelin that for a wee bit now. Like, well something is just "on my side" or maybe... for once... I am on my own side. Whichever it is Ill take it.
Weight loss is clicking along, the kids... bang on... hubby, sexy as ever and I get to have em all to my wee self; what could be better? Well you all know, well maybe not but anyhow, I assume you all know that I am a wanna-be photographer. It is my passion. Its me love. I literally get high taking photos, or at the very least what I assume high feels like :)))) The other day when I was all ranting and pissy I focused my anger and mind else where because bitching just wasnt cutting the mustard. (BTW now posted on my Fbook "When I lose this weight, watch out ladies..." WTF?!?)
Anywhoooooo.... I got a few shots I loved and from that I finally came up with my name for my photography!!! I know, boring but for me this was huge... I have been noodling around with this for 3 years and nothing had hit me. With my photography I have never moved forward much more than a baby step here, a side step there until the other day. Nothing said, "You are here, and this is where youre going." so I didnt know which direction to take.
This revelation has really re focused so many things for me. The realization of my oldest leaving the nest... Lilly~Anne turning one... not having any more children, its all coming together, and not necessarily in a bad way either. This is the FIRST time in my adult life, since I was 17 years old and engaged, that I am simply me. I am not breastfeeding, or pregnant, or conceiving or worrying about becoming pregnant. I am a mother to be sure, but my body is my own. So foreign to me, you just dont know. And this new revelation brings with it new opportunities and new challenges and I am just feeling full to the brim with blessings. I am excited about where it might take me.
Without further adieu, although I am not going to use these as finals mind you... these were just quicky shots done on the fly, but they inspired my direction so greatly. I can now proudly announce:
I know my giddiness is prolly not wholly understood here, but if you have ever owned a business and struggled with image, and direction and "your place" you'll understand. It is the difference between picking a nice name for your baby, and picking the name. Honestly, the same feeling ...
So here we go. Hubby is on board and were gonna make this happen. I cannot even remotely express the excitement I feel. Just exactly how on target this is for me. I was always nervous and although I have a long way to go Im so ready for the challenge. After all the cosmos are on my side; or at the very least Im just severely blinded by the stars in my eyes :)))) At any rate Im ready... its that simple; Im ready.
Weight loss is clicking along, the kids... bang on... hubby, sexy as ever and I get to have em all to my wee self; what could be better? Well you all know, well maybe not but anyhow, I assume you all know that I am a wanna-be photographer. It is my passion. Its me love. I literally get high taking photos, or at the very least what I assume high feels like :)))) The other day when I was all ranting and pissy I focused my anger and mind else where because bitching just wasnt cutting the mustard. (BTW now posted on my Fbook "When I lose this weight, watch out ladies..." WTF?!?)
Anywhoooooo.... I got a few shots I loved and from that I finally came up with my name for my photography!!! I know, boring but for me this was huge... I have been noodling around with this for 3 years and nothing had hit me. With my photography I have never moved forward much more than a baby step here, a side step there until the other day. Nothing said, "You are here, and this is where youre going." so I didnt know which direction to take.
Mary Jane
Studios
I know my giddiness is prolly not wholly understood here, but if you have ever owned a business and struggled with image, and direction and "your place" you'll understand. It is the difference between picking a nice name for your baby, and picking the name. Honestly, the same feeling ...
So here we go. Hubby is on board and were gonna make this happen. I cannot even remotely express the excitement I feel. Just exactly how on target this is for me. I was always nervous and although I have a long way to go Im so ready for the challenge. After all the cosmos are on my side; or at the very least Im just severely blinded by the stars in my eyes :)))) At any rate Im ready... its that simple; Im ready.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Weigh In Time Again
So it was weigh in time again over at the Phatloss contest. I was sposed to weigh in today but i reached my 5% yesterday and was excited and shot the video a day ahead. I shoulda waited because today I was down another pound but I will save it for next week. My goal is to hit another 5% in 3 weigh ins. The contest is a 12 week run so thats a good ole chunk off weight if I can keep it up :)
The contest isnt how many lbs a person loses, its based on how much % you shed. I hit my 5% and as far as I know from the other entry videos I think by golly I might be winning! The prize is $500.00 which is a great incentive but more than that the people in the contest are awesome! They are all so supportive ad everyone is really trying hard to be encouraging and caring about the others who have joined the weight loss community on You Tube. It reminds me of the people I have found here in Bloggersville. I honestly dont think I would be able to fight this fight alone... not this time.
So the weigh in is here.... in case you wanted to watch. I warn you, I have not combed my hair and or put on make up. I woke up yesterday morning with tons to do and had smudged make up on from the night before :))) Also, the moment is a stolen one in the bathroom :))) The kidlets are trapped inside for the third day in a row due to rain and OMGoodness are they loud in the background :P
Wishing all of you out there a great weekend :)
P.S. Clyde and Sharon... thanks for the encouragement the other day when I was all full of piss and vinegar. *hugs*
P.S.S. Oops, I forgot to put my weight in here for people who dont watch the video :))) At weigh in yesterday it was 266.5 today it was 265 even but I wasnt holding the camera and I didnt have shoes on... all in all thats 14.5 lbs for the contest and 5.5 lbs this week :)
The contest isnt how many lbs a person loses, its based on how much % you shed. I hit my 5% and as far as I know from the other entry videos I think by golly I might be winning! The prize is $500.00 which is a great incentive but more than that the people in the contest are awesome! They are all so supportive ad everyone is really trying hard to be encouraging and caring about the others who have joined the weight loss community on You Tube. It reminds me of the people I have found here in Bloggersville. I honestly dont think I would be able to fight this fight alone... not this time.
So the weigh in is here.... in case you wanted to watch. I warn you, I have not combed my hair and or put on make up. I woke up yesterday morning with tons to do and had smudged make up on from the night before :))) Also, the moment is a stolen one in the bathroom :))) The kidlets are trapped inside for the third day in a row due to rain and OMGoodness are they loud in the background :P
Wishing all of you out there a great weekend :)
P.S. Clyde and Sharon... thanks for the encouragement the other day when I was all full of piss and vinegar. *hugs*
P.S.S. Oops, I forgot to put my weight in here for people who dont watch the video :))) At weigh in yesterday it was 266.5 today it was 265 even but I wasnt holding the camera and I didnt have shoes on... all in all thats 14.5 lbs for the contest and 5.5 lbs this week :)
Friday, June 11, 2010
The Calm After The Sh#t Storm
Feeling much better today. I had a really pissy and fired up day yesterday as some of you may have read... dont say I didnt warn ya :))) Im happy I got it out of my system at least... lets move on ward and up ward as they say.
I have weigh in tomorrow for the contest and I might jinx it by saying this but I reached my first 5% yesterday morning and it was still holding true as of an hour ago so lets hope I dont bloat like a whale over the next 24 hours before the camera comes on! I spent yesterday taking a few photographs for my new intro for my videos and it kept my head in a good place while I was having my tantrum. I see other peoples videos have lil intros and I thought it might be fun. Plus Im thinking this will be kind of a fun record when Im done with losing the weight of where I started from and how I did through the process.
Heres a pic I took yesterday of my 5 year old girl. My name in the contest is phatlilmaryjane cuz well I love high heels and Mary Janes are my favorite :P Here she is in one of my favorite pairs the lil cutie :)
I guess I did learn something valuable yesterday during all of that. I really wanted to eat. I mean I was hot, and angry and pissy and I wanted to eat everything because thats how I stuff down my feelings most times. But I let it out yesterday. I wrote about it here, and I wrote about it in my journal. I was still focusing on it too much and instead of making food my focus I shifted to my creative side; enter photography. I literally can spend hours taking pictures. I can sit day dreaming of shots Id like to see, and making the shot happen can take a day or more. Then comes the editing process... i love it all, such a passion for me. Heres the thing... the whole while I was shooting and putting together my stuff, I wasnt obsessing about food. I wasnt focused on anything but the beauty in the pictures. I guess I am slowly learning how to control the gluttonous monster within.
I have a couple of photo shoots coming up and I think Ill accept more even though I dont feel all that ready. I have a feeling this could be another tool in my efforts to struggle with my temptation to over eat. My morbid obsession with hurting myself with food. Im just gonna start filling my plate with beauty, one shot at a time.
I have weigh in tomorrow for the contest and I might jinx it by saying this but I reached my first 5% yesterday morning and it was still holding true as of an hour ago so lets hope I dont bloat like a whale over the next 24 hours before the camera comes on! I spent yesterday taking a few photographs for my new intro for my videos and it kept my head in a good place while I was having my tantrum. I see other peoples videos have lil intros and I thought it might be fun. Plus Im thinking this will be kind of a fun record when Im done with losing the weight of where I started from and how I did through the process.
I guess I did learn something valuable yesterday during all of that. I really wanted to eat. I mean I was hot, and angry and pissy and I wanted to eat everything because thats how I stuff down my feelings most times. But I let it out yesterday. I wrote about it here, and I wrote about it in my journal. I was still focusing on it too much and instead of making food my focus I shifted to my creative side; enter photography. I literally can spend hours taking pictures. I can sit day dreaming of shots Id like to see, and making the shot happen can take a day or more. Then comes the editing process... i love it all, such a passion for me. Heres the thing... the whole while I was shooting and putting together my stuff, I wasnt obsessing about food. I wasnt focused on anything but the beauty in the pictures. I guess I am slowly learning how to control the gluttonous monster within.
I have a couple of photo shoots coming up and I think Ill accept more even though I dont feel all that ready. I have a feeling this could be another tool in my efforts to struggle with my temptation to over eat. My morbid obsession with hurting myself with food. Im just gonna start filling my plate with beauty, one shot at a time.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Having A Grrr Moment....
With that said, the item to your left was on a post on my FaceBook page. I wrote it out and hung it on my fridge. Could be quite motivating... but NOT for the reason you might be thinking. Remember back about two weeks ago when I posted about my hubbys friend Nick and his wife Jen getting the gastric bypass? The feelings I related that day were, and still are genuine. The item on my fridge is something she posted to FBook today infact. The friggin bitchy f'in pissy part? Well here ya go....
When she had the surgery she posted how wonderful her hubby was for taking care of her after surgery. Nothing abnormal there, actually it was kind of sweet. Then all her friends comments came. "OMG Jen what did you have surgery for?" and things like "What happened, are you ok?" And this from friends and family mind you. She doesnt say anything to this for a couple of days and so it goes on. Now Sean (my hubby) is telling me that she has decided to keep it hush, hush which to that I think, whatever. Its her body right? But why post on FBook? If your not seeking the attention that is.
So anyhow she couldnt leave the "What happened?" questions unanswered right? She posts "I was having some stomach issues." Are you f@cking serious! Like what? I-ate-too-many-dind-dong-a-litis issues? You mean I-cant-keep-away-from-the-fridge-erousis issues? Cuz I suffer from those too and didnt know I could just call my lazy, fat, selfishly obese ways a "stomach issue"... more like I have a character flaw if you ask me. I was even fine with that until today.
So I wake up and she posts this lil charm. To me it sounds like, if I didnt know any better, shes suffering like the lot of us who DO in fact sit back and watch our families eat things like farkin' creamy alferdo bow tie pasta while we have a roasted bell pepper and a turkey GDamn link!!!!! If I didnt know any better Id think she really earned those f'in 22 lbs through sweat like MM and Al and Clyde! If I didnt know the f@ckin truth I might be proud of her the way I am when Sharon struggles for each and every scale victory!!!!! IF I DIDNT KNOW!!!!! But I do... and the rest of FBook doesnt. She gets to sit back and lap up the compliments about being on a healthy DIET!!!!!!! while reaping the rewards of having no f'in choice in doing so!
Before anyone touts the GDamn fact that surgery isnt the "easy" way out f the hell off... Firstly, the vast majority of people I know getting it, with the exception of one person, have no real critical health issues why they cant diet another way. Its not harder, or people wouldnt opt to get an ELECTIVE surgery like that done over the "much easier" method of diet and sweat. If I could go to sleep, suffer a few weeks of pain but be FORCED not to eat wow would that relieve my sick f@ckin' brain from the struggle I am constantly in. Another thing. They have to lose weight BEFORE the surgery. If you can lose weight to have it then pray tell.... why are you considered unsuccessful at dieting? WTF people? Lets call a spade a spade here.
She had it great. If thats the way she needed to do it fine. I say how ever the heck we can battle this thing than by all means get it the frig done but good god do not pretend its something other than what it is. All for what? So you can have some sort of Star Jones moment? Do not take away from people who struggle each and every day to fight that good fight when youve had some one fight it for ya. Be honest, or dont f'in mention it all.
Clyde, you told me to use it. To keep it as a fire to chase her and GDamn it Clyde I am .... I lost this weight before... 127 lbs in 7 months fast enough to rival any surgeons skill and I did it by my own hand. I will earn every freakin inch lost. I will DESERVE every ounce of satisfaction in my OWN accomplishment. I want to say, to all of you who have lost weight and to those who are still battling. I am soooooo proud of your honesty. I am sooooooo routing for you in every way. This goes for those I know who are fighting it the natural way and to some I know who I have followed their journey through weight loss surgery. Its not the surgery that has got my dander up, its the lie that went with it. Thanks to all for being who you truly are... admitting your strengths and your weaknesses.
Sorry bout my bitch fest, but its really how I feel. Cant say I didnt warn ya.... its just one of them days.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Do Something...
So for this week in the weight loss competition the theme was "Do Something" physical. I couldnt until today and even then I really shouldnt have but I just couldnt let the whole darn week go by without being part of the challenge... especially when it was the first one of the weight loss competition! With my 13 year old son in tow this time we decided to head out and take a walk on this fine sunny day :)
We chronicled this lil adventure as per the whole Phatloss Weightloss contest thingy here... It was super weird cuz as I have said before there is more photographic evidence of Big Foot in these parts than there is of my fat butt. I think though that when I am finally 'normal' again it will be fun to be able to look back and see where I started from. Also, it will be a solid record for me on whats workin' and whats not. So far things are going along swimmingly, but we who fight this battle of the bulge know all too well how quickly all of that can change.
I splurged today. Since my whole journaling thing is really going well for me in terms of helping me keep stuff in check, I bought a couple of fountain pens. I am going to try and get slowly back into doing some(thing) calligraphy over time. Doing something for the soul is part of this for me as well. I used to love it with a passion and received instruction for a few years when I was in private school. But being grown up, and no real money or time of my own after kids, I had just let it fall by the way side... like so many other things I valued about myself, it took a back seat and was eventually forgotten.
Im gonna find so many of the things I shoved aside for what ever reason. Im searching out what makes me ... me I guess and its kinda hard since the only parts of me that are around any more all belong to others. I dont mind, I love my wee ones and signed on for it full force and they are my biggest blessing. I couldnt be any prouder than to have the title house wife. I have more to me though and right now its all buried. I cant wait to rediscover all of those bits I have lost, if nothing else Id love to share them with my kids. I have already moved calligraphy to the home school agenda for this next year. should be fun teaching them something perhaps less practical, but so beautiful.
Well Im off to go do my chores. Ive spent too much time on the computer today and not enough time in my kitchen... looks like a mini war zone and the hubby will be home in a couple of hours! Wishing you and yours a wonderful evening :)
We chronicled this lil adventure as per the whole Phatloss Weightloss contest thingy here... It was super weird cuz as I have said before there is more photographic evidence of Big Foot in these parts than there is of my fat butt. I think though that when I am finally 'normal' again it will be fun to be able to look back and see where I started from. Also, it will be a solid record for me on whats workin' and whats not. So far things are going along swimmingly, but we who fight this battle of the bulge know all too well how quickly all of that can change.
I splurged today. Since my whole journaling thing is really going well for me in terms of helping me keep stuff in check, I bought a couple of fountain pens. I am going to try and get slowly back into doing some(thing) calligraphy over time. Doing something for the soul is part of this for me as well. I used to love it with a passion and received instruction for a few years when I was in private school. But being grown up, and no real money or time of my own after kids, I had just let it fall by the way side... like so many other things I valued about myself, it took a back seat and was eventually forgotten.
Im gonna find so many of the things I shoved aside for what ever reason. Im searching out what makes me ... me I guess and its kinda hard since the only parts of me that are around any more all belong to others. I dont mind, I love my wee ones and signed on for it full force and they are my biggest blessing. I couldnt be any prouder than to have the title house wife. I have more to me though and right now its all buried. I cant wait to rediscover all of those bits I have lost, if nothing else Id love to share them with my kids. I have already moved calligraphy to the home school agenda for this next year. should be fun teaching them something perhaps less practical, but so beautiful.
Well Im off to go do my chores. Ive spent too much time on the computer today and not enough time in my kitchen... looks like a mini war zone and the hubby will be home in a couple of hours! Wishing you and yours a wonderful evening :)
Sunday, June 6, 2010
New Weigh In At The Contest
I ended up doing a weigh in yesterday for the contest after all. I am going to stick with my Saturday weigh ins because that marks the 'weeks' since my entry video, with this being week number 2. See results here :) (please excuse how exhausted I was, the baby was up all night teething again so I'm totally not with it.) I felt I did ok, only another 1.5 down since Tuesday. That brings my two week total since my entry video to 9 lbs. I'm confident next saturday will be good as I will be able to actually move later this week. I have been literally on my fat arse since my walk on Tuesday with the girls not because the walked kicked my booty believe me I was ready to go on Wednesday.
This next week should be fun in terms of the move more always part of my plan. I have some fun things planned for the kidlets and I and my new video camera (not the best quality Im afraid but it'll do) came so I can actually do some lil clips of us which will be kinda cool. I have planned to next week walk over to a friends house who lives 3 miles one way so thats a great goal. Ill have hubby bring the wee ones in the car and then the kids can go for a swim at their house. Their beach is sooo much nicer than ours the kids prefer to swim there.
I have been eating what I want, I know, I know prolly not the worlds best diet plan but hey, its still working :)))... Ive just been eating less of what I make and in some instances substitutions. Like when I made burgers mine was turkey theirs beef. But I still had cole slaw, etc... just not enough to feed three men. This morning (in the oven as I type) I have made my caramel sticky bunz, and I intend to have one. Heres my thought behind this... its not only that I am trying to learn how to just eat like a normal person, its that I am a brat and when I deny myself I can only seem to do it for so long before I collapse and go off plan. When that happens I feel like crap about myself, my resolve and my ability and it takes me longer to recover from it. I have found by eating what I want... in "normal" portions, I dont feel the panic. I dont fail myself.
Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend thus far :) *hugs* to all...
~HoneyB~
This next week should be fun in terms of the move more always part of my plan. I have some fun things planned for the kidlets and I and my new video camera (not the best quality Im afraid but it'll do) came so I can actually do some lil clips of us which will be kinda cool. I have planned to next week walk over to a friends house who lives 3 miles one way so thats a great goal. Ill have hubby bring the wee ones in the car and then the kids can go for a swim at their house. Their beach is sooo much nicer than ours the kids prefer to swim there.
I have been eating what I want, I know, I know prolly not the worlds best diet plan but hey, its still working :)))... Ive just been eating less of what I make and in some instances substitutions. Like when I made burgers mine was turkey theirs beef. But I still had cole slaw, etc... just not enough to feed three men. This morning (in the oven as I type) I have made my caramel sticky bunz, and I intend to have one. Heres my thought behind this... its not only that I am trying to learn how to just eat like a normal person, its that I am a brat and when I deny myself I can only seem to do it for so long before I collapse and go off plan. When that happens I feel like crap about myself, my resolve and my ability and it takes me longer to recover from it. I have found by eating what I want... in "normal" portions, I dont feel the panic. I dont fail myself.
Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend thus far :) *hugs* to all...
~HoneyB~
Saturday, June 5, 2010
To Weigh, Or Not To Weigh....
Well in the contest I'm doing its been two weeks since my entry as of today. We get to use our weight at our entry video but the official start of the contest was June 1st this last Tuesday. I did a weigh in video on Tuesday because I didn't know if I needed to or what since I had entered earlier than some. Now only a few days later my two week weigh in is due, or should I wait and just do my weigh ins every Tuesday? I dunno :(
The down side... grrrrrr. Well my weight has been putsy now that I cant move around. You have no earthly idea how bad this sucks... I feel trapped each month. I HATE it :( The challenge this week was to get up and do something just like the whole move more concept I have been doing and I am sitting *sigh*. I have been thinking that next month since I have to sit like a sloth and I typically knit to pass the time I am going to race and see how many infant caps I can make to donate to our local hospital. You know the lil skull beanies they put on newborns after they are born to keep their wee lil heads warm. At least I would feel like I was sitting for a purpose instead of just passing time. I am halfway done with a new lil cardigan sweater for my lil Lilly (12 mo) that will go with a dress I'm sewing for Sunday service. I do at least try to be somewhat productive in my big comfy chair :))))
The upside??? All this sitting makes me slow down. The kids in an odd way love it because I am a captive audience. They take the opportunity to do things like put on plays for me, we color together and read a lot more etc and Eizabella (10 yr old) has taken up crocheting by my side this month. When I am well and on my feet I often say things like "I will in a minute just let me finish..." or "Not now I have to..." fill in any number of housewife duties in there youd like. 4 plus loads of laundry a day, 3 plus loads of dishes, several hours in the kitchen logged each day, not to mention the regular old house chores... so in a way this time that I am forced to let the house go and sit is a great opportunity for them to get mom time. I can see I have to work harder at making more time the whole rest of the month. I wont lie, seven kidlets is a lot and just getting through the daily chores of making sure everyone is clean and fed can at times be an overwhelming thing although I wouldn't trade it for the world... I love these wee ones; dirty dishes, nasty cloth diapers and all.
The down side... grrrrrr. Well my weight has been putsy now that I cant move around. You have no earthly idea how bad this sucks... I feel trapped each month. I HATE it :( The challenge this week was to get up and do something just like the whole move more concept I have been doing and I am sitting *sigh*. I have been thinking that next month since I have to sit like a sloth and I typically knit to pass the time I am going to race and see how many infant caps I can make to donate to our local hospital. You know the lil skull beanies they put on newborns after they are born to keep their wee lil heads warm. At least I would feel like I was sitting for a purpose instead of just passing time. I am halfway done with a new lil cardigan sweater for my lil Lilly (12 mo) that will go with a dress I'm sewing for Sunday service. I do at least try to be somewhat productive in my big comfy chair :))))
The upside??? All this sitting makes me slow down. The kids in an odd way love it because I am a captive audience. They take the opportunity to do things like put on plays for me, we color together and read a lot more etc and Eizabella (10 yr old) has taken up crocheting by my side this month. When I am well and on my feet I often say things like "I will in a minute just let me finish..." or "Not now I have to..." fill in any number of housewife duties in there youd like. 4 plus loads of laundry a day, 3 plus loads of dishes, several hours in the kitchen logged each day, not to mention the regular old house chores... so in a way this time that I am forced to let the house go and sit is a great opportunity for them to get mom time. I can see I have to work harder at making more time the whole rest of the month. I wont lie, seven kidlets is a lot and just getting through the daily chores of making sure everyone is clean and fed can at times be an overwhelming thing although I wouldn't trade it for the world... I love these wee ones; dirty dishes, nasty cloth diapers and all.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Watch me wiggle, see them Jiggle....
Ok, ladies help a girl out here. I am a dress up girl which I think has to some degree led me to a lil less mobile life style which in term feeds the fat machine. I have decided on this new move more life thing and Im running into a problem of sorts ... I have been searching for an undergarment that will make the more mobile me a less bouncy me and its no easy task. There are a few hurdles in my quest.
The girls need some managing. Mostly around the house I go for comfort, but comfort isnt giving me any support. I am in love with my nursing bras Ill just say that out loud now. No not because they are so stylishly grandma like but OMG are they comfy, as they should be after all when your breast feeding who wants itchy lace and under wires? But alas shes off the breast and I need to retire them :( I cannot find anything "jump" worthy for my size. Size, yes, thats another hurdle. I have never been a small chested girl and when Im heavy thats the first place I store my weight. At this stage in the game Im hovering in at a 40 J. There arent at least I havent found too many bras to help me out.
Are there any sites/stores with good/attractive sports bras out there for bigger women? There are tons of beautiful (translation visual support not physical support) bras for my size at your basic fat lady stores like Roamans, etc... Id really like to be able to keep my bounce in check this summer so I can comfortably move more and jiggle less :))))
The girls need some managing. Mostly around the house I go for comfort, but comfort isnt giving me any support. I am in love with my nursing bras Ill just say that out loud now. No not because they are so stylishly grandma like but OMG are they comfy, as they should be after all when your breast feeding who wants itchy lace and under wires? But alas shes off the breast and I need to retire them :( I cannot find anything "jump" worthy for my size. Size, yes, thats another hurdle. I have never been a small chested girl and when Im heavy thats the first place I store my weight. At this stage in the game Im hovering in at a 40 J. There arent at least I havent found too many bras to help me out.
Are there any sites/stores with good/attractive sports bras out there for bigger women? There are tons of beautiful (translation visual support not physical support) bras for my size at your basic fat lady stores like Roamans, etc... Id really like to be able to keep my bounce in check this summer so I can comfortably move more and jiggle less :))))
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Befuddled....
Ok so cover your eyes boys, its that time again. Yup just as I had suspected this week would be my down week. I am a little confused this time around. I haven't gained. I have eaten what I want, just in smaller quantities and the only semi structured sorta "exercise" I have done is a 2.5 mile walk with the girls. I haven't even just maintained which is all I ever hope to do during PMS and period time. I have lost, and not just a wee bit but quite a bit. 8lbs as of this morning. What the heck gives?
I have started my new thinking (please go check out Dawne here) Susan Powter had said something similar also... the whole eat less of anything, move more always thing and its just coming off. But, it cant be that easy. It just cannot be. I do keep my pedometer on all the time and just the lil things I do like going upstairs to go potty instead of using the main floor bath adds up in my daily steps. ALOT surprisingly. I did a few days to see where my actual step level was and I noted it was really pathetic. I strapped it on the hubby for a few days and low and behold he steps like a crazy man... or a normal thin man which ever way you wanna look at it. Im tempted to recalibrate it and strap it to one of my youngsters for a few days to further test the theory. But I cant think of what else might be giving me these results.
My oldest son is 6 ft 3 inches tall. He used to lift weights day in and day out and eat like a bear. I mean he ate and ate, never getting fat and I would assume this was because of his weight lifting. He has had to stop as he no longer has access to the weights. Hes not at all fat. Hasnt gained a thing. I get mad at him because now he only eats one time a day with some occasional snacking. Not because hes starving himself to death but he simply said "I dont work out like I used to so I cant eat like I used to. If I ate like that now Id be huge." It made me think. Hes 18 years old and knows that weight lifting requires larger amounts of food than his new sedentary life style. He doesnt eat when hes bored nor when hes watching a movie. He doesnt eat to celebrate but he doesnt deny himself either when I am baking. He just has 1 or 2 cookies instead of the over a dozen he would eat when he was lifting weights.
Hubby does the same so maybe it is true? Maybe the whole key isnt a focused obsessed diet after all? Im guessing its more about focusing on behaving like a normal thin person. Maybe its me really for once paying attention to me. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... its bound to be a duck! Its all a bit confusing since I have always thought that in order to lose weight you had to rock your whole world and be focused on diet and exercise. I know it isnt what I should say out loud, and people will undoubtedly whole heatedly disagree with me but its workin'. By golly, its workin'...
I have started my new thinking (please go check out Dawne here) Susan Powter had said something similar also... the whole eat less of anything, move more always thing and its just coming off. But, it cant be that easy. It just cannot be. I do keep my pedometer on all the time and just the lil things I do like going upstairs to go potty instead of using the main floor bath adds up in my daily steps. ALOT surprisingly. I did a few days to see where my actual step level was and I noted it was really pathetic. I strapped it on the hubby for a few days and low and behold he steps like a crazy man... or a normal thin man which ever way you wanna look at it. Im tempted to recalibrate it and strap it to one of my youngsters for a few days to further test the theory. But I cant think of what else might be giving me these results.
My oldest son is 6 ft 3 inches tall. He used to lift weights day in and day out and eat like a bear. I mean he ate and ate, never getting fat and I would assume this was because of his weight lifting. He has had to stop as he no longer has access to the weights. Hes not at all fat. Hasnt gained a thing. I get mad at him because now he only eats one time a day with some occasional snacking. Not because hes starving himself to death but he simply said "I dont work out like I used to so I cant eat like I used to. If I ate like that now Id be huge." It made me think. Hes 18 years old and knows that weight lifting requires larger amounts of food than his new sedentary life style. He doesnt eat when hes bored nor when hes watching a movie. He doesnt eat to celebrate but he doesnt deny himself either when I am baking. He just has 1 or 2 cookies instead of the over a dozen he would eat when he was lifting weights.
Hubby does the same so maybe it is true? Maybe the whole key isnt a focused obsessed diet after all? Im guessing its more about focusing on behaving like a normal thin person. Maybe its me really for once paying attention to me. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... its bound to be a duck! Its all a bit confusing since I have always thought that in order to lose weight you had to rock your whole world and be focused on diet and exercise. I know it isnt what I should say out loud, and people will undoubtedly whole heatedly disagree with me but its workin'. By golly, its workin'...
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Giggles, Sweaty Bunz and Virgin Shoes
So my tennis shoes came. OMG ugly but you guys already knew I was going to say that :))) I tried them on and kept them on for about a half hour in the house wondering what had possessed me before I gathered up my two oldest girls and headed out the door. As we turned out of our driveway I had a different feeling. It wasn't just the wonder of softness that is so foreign to me under my feet, it was the fact that I had changed my attitude about why I was out there in these gawd awful clunkers to begin with.
I have made a decision. A resolve. A promise to myself that goes loosely, but something like this; I will never set myself up in a win/lose weight loss situation again. I will never diet again. I will not inadvertently set myself up to fail. Simply my new life plan? Eat less of anything, move more always. Thats it. No more, no less. How has it served me? I am down another half pound today. That is 8lbs total with no effort at the WORST time of the month... PMS time no less and next week will be the whole no movement ordeal *uuuuhhhhgggggg*. Again I know it must sound strange, and not very centered for a diet/fitness blog but its working... so Im stickin' with it :)
The shoes were fabulous despite their hideous exterior. I felt as if I could walk forever... almost :P The girls and I went for 2.5 miles in 46 minutes. We werent breaking any land speeds I know but OMGoodness did we giggle and have fun. The girls teased me about my too white shoes and when I told my daughter I was going to magic eraser them after our walk she looked at me with all seriousness and said the only people who can get away with blinding white shoes are rappers to which I was informed I am no rapper.
It was late in the afternoon and ewwww did I sweat on the way back. I complained of sweaty bunz and the girls sounded off with a blast of giggles. The time passed so quickly listening to all of their chatter. I learned somethings about games in the woods they played together in places I didn't even know they ventured. I listened as they lamented how sad it is that their big brother is getting older, hes just not as fun anymore and doesn't want to play like he used to. I heard stories of hockey played on the bog with sticks and of a game they call 'The Bear' as they explained in great detail how a crazy bear comes and attacks their camp and they have to defend it. The older brother used to play the part of the bear they told me, before he thought he was too cool.
I wear my pedometer every minute of every day now. I am doing this as part of my move more always plan. I wrote about skinny people/fat people movement in an earlier post and how much more thin people really do move around. I'm trying to retrain myself to do that which comes naturally to some. My goal is to naturally move 10,000 steps a day. I'm a housewife and sitting around while the laundry washes its self in the machine doesn't notch up numbers on the whole move more scale :))) Things like walking with my girls helps a lot, but the more important things are the ones like; getting the mail myself instead of having the kids do it, going upstairs to use the bathroom instead of using the main floor privy... etc. Those small every day steps are what is making the difference.
So I told my girls we were going to go again today... ugly shoes and sweaty bunz seems such a small price to pay when I get to hear such fabulous stories and a hailstorm of giggles ;)
I have made a decision. A resolve. A promise to myself that goes loosely, but something like this; I will never set myself up in a win/lose weight loss situation again. I will never diet again. I will not inadvertently set myself up to fail. Simply my new life plan? Eat less of anything, move more always. Thats it. No more, no less. How has it served me? I am down another half pound today. That is 8lbs total with no effort at the WORST time of the month... PMS time no less and next week will be the whole no movement ordeal *uuuuhhhhgggggg*. Again I know it must sound strange, and not very centered for a diet/fitness blog but its working... so Im stickin' with it :)
The shoes were fabulous despite their hideous exterior. I felt as if I could walk forever... almost :P The girls and I went for 2.5 miles in 46 minutes. We werent breaking any land speeds I know but OMGoodness did we giggle and have fun. The girls teased me about my too white shoes and when I told my daughter I was going to magic eraser them after our walk she looked at me with all seriousness and said the only people who can get away with blinding white shoes are rappers to which I was informed I am no rapper.
It was late in the afternoon and ewwww did I sweat on the way back. I complained of sweaty bunz and the girls sounded off with a blast of giggles. The time passed so quickly listening to all of their chatter. I learned somethings about games in the woods they played together in places I didn't even know they ventured. I listened as they lamented how sad it is that their big brother is getting older, hes just not as fun anymore and doesn't want to play like he used to. I heard stories of hockey played on the bog with sticks and of a game they call 'The Bear' as they explained in great detail how a crazy bear comes and attacks their camp and they have to defend it. The older brother used to play the part of the bear they told me, before he thought he was too cool.
I wear my pedometer every minute of every day now. I am doing this as part of my move more always plan. I wrote about skinny people/fat people movement in an earlier post and how much more thin people really do move around. I'm trying to retrain myself to do that which comes naturally to some. My goal is to naturally move 10,000 steps a day. I'm a housewife and sitting around while the laundry washes its self in the machine doesn't notch up numbers on the whole move more scale :))) Things like walking with my girls helps a lot, but the more important things are the ones like; getting the mail myself instead of having the kids do it, going upstairs to use the bathroom instead of using the main floor privy... etc. Those small every day steps are what is making the difference.
So I told my girls we were going to go again today... ugly shoes and sweaty bunz seems such a small price to pay when I get to hear such fabulous stories and a hailstorm of giggles ;)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
New Shoes, New Attitude, Weigh In
So I got my new shoes today and well Ill be honest, I am sooooo not a tennis shoe girl. Wow do they make your feet look huge and clunky as if the rest of me isnt? And lets face it, if a guy can wear it I just simply dont want to :)))) Yeah yeah I know men can wear dresses and dont remind me that a whole lot of em look a whole lot better in em than I do :)))
I'm going on my first walk with my shoes after dinner. Its hot out right now and quite frankly I sweat enough hoofing it along my hilly dirt road with out the sweltering summer sun beating down on me at high noon. I'm excited though. My oldest daughter is going to go with me so it should be fun and after all that's really what I'm aiming for here. I will not push myself into another win/lose thing again in regardless to my weight loss. I think that's the biggest yo-yo of the whole diet thing. The love/hate you feel for yourself when you, or life, isn't perfect. I'm getting off that see-saw for good.
Ive learned some valuable things in the "conversations" with myself in my personal journal. This journey isn't about me losing this weight. It isn't about me getting to any goals I can measure outright. Its about over coming those feelings that cause me to hurt myself. Its about putting into balance food and movement. Its about learning new attitudes about a whole lotta things.
I did another weigh in for the contest this morning. I'm less scared now to go on camera, I'm not phased by the numbers good or bad for the most part which is a strange thing. I lost another pound. I'm down 7.5 since my entry video. I dont know how I feel about that since I had fallen into a vicious eating cycle for 2 1/2 to 3 weeks and ate back a lot of weight and then with the 6 or seven lbs the Wii was weighing me wrong I seem almost where I started :))) I did start trying at a 290.5 so I guess Im down a total of 17lbs after all.
I dont even know what to say as far as what Im going to be doing for a "diet" any more because I just simply refuse to be on one. Im eating what I want, just less of it, and moving more always. I guess thats it, thats all I got. But it seems to be workin' :)
I'm going on my first walk with my shoes after dinner. Its hot out right now and quite frankly I sweat enough hoofing it along my hilly dirt road with out the sweltering summer sun beating down on me at high noon. I'm excited though. My oldest daughter is going to go with me so it should be fun and after all that's really what I'm aiming for here. I will not push myself into another win/lose thing again in regardless to my weight loss. I think that's the biggest yo-yo of the whole diet thing. The love/hate you feel for yourself when you, or life, isn't perfect. I'm getting off that see-saw for good.
Ive learned some valuable things in the "conversations" with myself in my personal journal. This journey isn't about me losing this weight. It isn't about me getting to any goals I can measure outright. Its about over coming those feelings that cause me to hurt myself. Its about putting into balance food and movement. Its about learning new attitudes about a whole lotta things.
I did another weigh in for the contest this morning. I'm less scared now to go on camera, I'm not phased by the numbers good or bad for the most part which is a strange thing. I lost another pound. I'm down 7.5 since my entry video. I dont know how I feel about that since I had fallen into a vicious eating cycle for 2 1/2 to 3 weeks and ate back a lot of weight and then with the 6 or seven lbs the Wii was weighing me wrong I seem almost where I started :))) I did start trying at a 290.5 so I guess Im down a total of 17lbs after all.
I dont even know what to say as far as what Im going to be doing for a "diet" any more because I just simply refuse to be on one. Im eating what I want, just less of it, and moving more always. I guess thats it, thats all I got. But it seems to be workin' :)
Monday, May 31, 2010
The End Result
So .... I have been writing every time I'm feeling a bit weird food wise instead of just eating. Remember a lil bit back I said I needed to write it out? Write those feelings out and such? Well it must be working because it hasn't been that bloody long, I have not been exercising like I should (shoes will be here tomorrow!) and I haven't been eating just healthy foods. Whats different then? I haven't been eating when I'm angry, or stressed, or gosh forbid bored. I have been writing those feelings out and some how by writing it it makes it more real to me, it becomes purged in a strange sort of way as a tangible thing that's out of me instead of a feeling that I want to stuff down; with a pound of pasta.
So to what end? Well since the day I started my writing thing ... the 23th of May; I have dropped 6.5 effortless pounds. I have eaten grilled burgers. I have eaten rhubarb crisp with ice cream. I even indulged in Doritos which is a rare thing in this house. But I haven't denied myself. Nor have I over indulged. This week I will start my walking again because I love it and my shoes are finally coming. But Ill be honest, I'm not going to walk as a regimented form of exercise. I'm going to walk only because it feels good to do so. I'm going to strap my tennis shoes on because I want to... not have to.
I have found something interesting out about myself during this rather short experiment. If I set myself up in a situation where it is only win or lose, I inadvertently set myself up to fail. I seem to go all or nothing and that's not good with anything. Even too much of a good thing is bad for ya. Eat less, move more. That's the bottom line for me.
I'm learning to really listen to myself, to hear what it is Im really saying inside this brain of mine. I am not on auto pilot.... I'm flying this B52 solo and I plan to make it all the way around this time. No diet, no plan almost sound like flying by the seat of my pants but its not. Im listening to all the dials... paying attention to my readings. After all this is a lifetime flight, you only get one chance to go round this big ole world.
Hope yall are havin one heck of a great weekend :)
So to what end? Well since the day I started my writing thing ... the 23th of May; I have dropped 6.5 effortless pounds. I have eaten grilled burgers. I have eaten rhubarb crisp with ice cream. I even indulged in Doritos which is a rare thing in this house. But I haven't denied myself. Nor have I over indulged. This week I will start my walking again because I love it and my shoes are finally coming. But Ill be honest, I'm not going to walk as a regimented form of exercise. I'm going to walk only because it feels good to do so. I'm going to strap my tennis shoes on because I want to... not have to.
I have found something interesting out about myself during this rather short experiment. If I set myself up in a situation where it is only win or lose, I inadvertently set myself up to fail. I seem to go all or nothing and that's not good with anything. Even too much of a good thing is bad for ya. Eat less, move more. That's the bottom line for me.
I'm learning to really listen to myself, to hear what it is Im really saying inside this brain of mine. I am not on auto pilot.... I'm flying this B52 solo and I plan to make it all the way around this time. No diet, no plan almost sound like flying by the seat of my pants but its not. Im listening to all the dials... paying attention to my readings. After all this is a lifetime flight, you only get one chance to go round this big ole world.
Hope yall are havin one heck of a great weekend :)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Those Lil Devils
I have seen Rocky down them raw on the silver screen; I'm certainly not goin' there. Ive seen Adam on Man vs. Food attempt to eat an omelet the size of a literal serving platter; I'm not down with downing a dozen eggs. But ohhhh I love me a deviled egg and that's what I had for lunch.
Sounds naughty with the mayo and all but I measured it out to one perfect tablespoon and threw out a yolk to even the playing field. A smoothie to top it off and I didn't do too bad calories wise at under 350 for the whole shebang. I hear tell that protein is sposed to stave off hunger. That's what I'm goin' for... staving off that which drives me...CraZy
~HoneyB~
The Panic...
has set in today :( Ok now what i am about to write down here I will prolly regret instantaneously but what the heck, its about the journey and about figuring this thing out and being honest with myself and sometimes that doesnt fit into cute lil packages. Some times Im just not nice and today is one of those days.
Here goes. My hubby has a best friend he works with, Nick is a terrific guy. Great family, nice wife, they have 4 kids and so on. Well, here comes the pouty me part. His wife is a big girl and she gets to have the surgery! TODAY! Today ppl.... that means my hubby will be the only guy left at work with a fat wife. I know this sounds stupid, sounds childish I know, I know but still I feel it. I cant lie, I feel the pressure.
I just want to state right off the bat that Nick is dead set against the surgery. He and Jen have been in some serious arguments over this thing and he has really had some major concerns hes been expressing to my hubby. Hes a loving guy though and he has said he will be supportive of her no matter what she decides. He says the same as my hubby; he says he wishes she wouldnt do it, he doesnt want her to "change". Sounds sweet doesnt it? I wonder.
I think Nick and my hubby are in the same boat some what. Both against anything like surgery, both have never had weight issues, both say the same things to Jen and I.... but when Jen does this thing and the fear of her getting hurt from the surgery is passed you cant tell me Nick isn't going to be all over happy about her getting thinner. Hes gonna be loving that from a physical stand point. So as happy as they are with us now, and I believe they are, I know they both miss the girls they married. Nicks about to get his back.
I dont know if its true for men but weight colors everything for us women. It isnt just about clothes fitting right it follows us into the bedroom as well. There are certain things I will do with hubby that I have to tell ya, I would enjoy if I wasnt looking like a shar pei puppy with rolls up and down when he sees me from the back ... Im just sayin' people... it crowds out or rather into a lot of places, and intimate ones as well or more than any other area. Nicks going to have his bedroom back. And every guy is a happier guy about that.
So whats all this panic doing to me? Well I dont have the compulsion to over eat, thats for sure. I do have the urge to call my doc and schedule an appointment. Which I wont, but I really, really wanna I wont lie. Wonder if I should call the dentist and get my mouth wired shut instead :)))
So there it is. My ugly lil fit today. Its funny because I honestly dont feel jealous of Jen, Im happy for her she gets to be released after today from fat hell. I feel envious of Nick. I feel sorry for my own hubby. this whole thing feels like some one fired the gun at one of my swim meets when I was a kid. I literally feel frozen on the block though. Instead of the sound of the shot scaring me into immobility I have to think of it as a good ole slap on the arse to dive in and get movin'.
Here goes. My hubby has a best friend he works with, Nick is a terrific guy. Great family, nice wife, they have 4 kids and so on. Well, here comes the pouty me part. His wife is a big girl and she gets to have the surgery! TODAY! Today ppl.... that means my hubby will be the only guy left at work with a fat wife. I know this sounds stupid, sounds childish I know, I know but still I feel it. I cant lie, I feel the pressure.
I just want to state right off the bat that Nick is dead set against the surgery. He and Jen have been in some serious arguments over this thing and he has really had some major concerns hes been expressing to my hubby. Hes a loving guy though and he has said he will be supportive of her no matter what she decides. He says the same as my hubby; he says he wishes she wouldnt do it, he doesnt want her to "change". Sounds sweet doesnt it? I wonder.
I think Nick and my hubby are in the same boat some what. Both against anything like surgery, both have never had weight issues, both say the same things to Jen and I.... but when Jen does this thing and the fear of her getting hurt from the surgery is passed you cant tell me Nick isn't going to be all over happy about her getting thinner. Hes gonna be loving that from a physical stand point. So as happy as they are with us now, and I believe they are, I know they both miss the girls they married. Nicks about to get his back.
So whats all this panic doing to me? Well I dont have the compulsion to over eat, thats for sure. I do have the urge to call my doc and schedule an appointment. Which I wont, but I really, really wanna I wont lie. Wonder if I should call the dentist and get my mouth wired shut instead :)))
So there it is. My ugly lil fit today. Its funny because I honestly dont feel jealous of Jen, Im happy for her she gets to be released after today from fat hell. I feel envious of Nick. I feel sorry for my own hubby. this whole thing feels like some one fired the gun at one of my swim meets when I was a kid. I literally feel frozen on the block though. Instead of the sound of the shot scaring me into immobility I have to think of it as a good ole slap on the arse to dive in and get movin'.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Just Thought Id Share....
"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."
~Saint Francis De Sales~
Rearranging...
Just a couple of mad ramblings today is all I got :)))
Well I started rearranging my home. All 2,650 square feet of it and then I'm going to start on the building I call my studio (600 sq ft) but is going to be my future one room school house for the wee ones as today is their last day of public school. YEAH!!!!I have decided the baby is going to be one on June 1 so I am commandeering her nursery for my "project" room. I need my own space and since the lil ones are taking over my studio this appears to be the only place I have left to even consider.
This is a huge project. HUGE. There are 9 people living in our home. 9 people have a lot of stuff. I have set out to go item by item and assess its usefulness and purge at will. No clutter. No frills. No gratuitous "fluff". This has proven to be a therapeutic thing along the way. I have redone one bathroom complete with painting and my own art work (I did shots of all of the girls feet :)
These are my oldest daughters dirty colorful toes.
My mind is a jumble of things, rearranging my physical world always helps my mental state. Plus it goes with my whole "move more eat less" thing I got going. I know house work doesnt sound all that taxing but lemme tell ya, if you spend 6 hours in a day painting with a roller... its works those arms and the legs and butt with all the squatting and crouching and all.
I have been trying to really look at the "normal" weight people in my life and see what common traits they share. One of them is they seem to always be moving. They seems to have less of a tendency than I too put things off until later. They do things even when they don't feel like it just because it needs to be done. They rarely skate by on the bare minimum in terms of activity. I'm beginning to conclude that my obesity is as a huge out word manifestation of my chronic procrastination habits.
If I were honest and not politically correct I would dare say it would stand to reason, the fatter one is, the lazier one is. Ouch, did I say that out loud? It isn't a four letter word its just an adjective and yet it carries so many connotations, so much levity. Lets look at the facts though before we get all offended. Huge people do less because its harder to do those things that thin people have no trouble doing. Its like a vicious circle. We move less because we weigh more and we weigh more because we move less; but I wonder, if I just did all my days like I faked it this weekend and ate normal instead of like the super sized me, how would I change?(BTW I was dying earlier this week from all of the crouching down and squats I did while on that nearly 2 hour shoot. The muscles in the backs of my legs were killing me and I dare say the thin ladies I was photographing didn't wake up Monday morning with leg cramps from squatting their asses in the sand).
I had my normal sized hubby wear my pedometer for a bit. He walked on average 15,000 steps!!! You know what I average with out walking for exercise? Around 4,500 steps. Seriously!!!!! I am baking, cooking, cleaning, watching kids, doing laundry and puttering round the house. I am wayyyyy under the 10,000 steps they say a healthy human should travel during a day. Again; move more eat less. I gotta kick the lazy out of my buns. Even a house wife has 10,000 steps in her BEFORE exercise. If I want to affect the core of me, change what got me here in the first place I have to alter this lazy tendency.
The journey begins with a single rearranged and prearranged step...
Well I started rearranging my home. All 2,650 square feet of it and then I'm going to start on the building I call my studio (600 sq ft) but is going to be my future one room school house for the wee ones as today is their last day of public school. YEAH!!!!I have decided the baby is going to be one on June 1 so I am commandeering her nursery for my "project" room. I need my own space and since the lil ones are taking over my studio this appears to be the only place I have left to even consider.
This is a huge project. HUGE. There are 9 people living in our home. 9 people have a lot of stuff. I have set out to go item by item and assess its usefulness and purge at will. No clutter. No frills. No gratuitous "fluff". This has proven to be a therapeutic thing along the way. I have redone one bathroom complete with painting and my own art work (I did shots of all of the girls feet :)
These are my oldest daughters dirty colorful toes.
My mind is a jumble of things, rearranging my physical world always helps my mental state. Plus it goes with my whole "move more eat less" thing I got going. I know house work doesnt sound all that taxing but lemme tell ya, if you spend 6 hours in a day painting with a roller... its works those arms and the legs and butt with all the squatting and crouching and all.
I have been trying to really look at the "normal" weight people in my life and see what common traits they share. One of them is they seem to always be moving. They seems to have less of a tendency than I too put things off until later. They do things even when they don't feel like it just because it needs to be done. They rarely skate by on the bare minimum in terms of activity. I'm beginning to conclude that my obesity is as a huge out word manifestation of my chronic procrastination habits.
If I were honest and not politically correct I would dare say it would stand to reason, the fatter one is, the lazier one is. Ouch, did I say that out loud? It isn't a four letter word its just an adjective and yet it carries so many connotations, so much levity. Lets look at the facts though before we get all offended. Huge people do less because its harder to do those things that thin people have no trouble doing. Its like a vicious circle. We move less because we weigh more and we weigh more because we move less; but I wonder, if I just did all my days like I faked it this weekend and ate normal instead of like the super sized me, how would I change?(BTW I was dying earlier this week from all of the crouching down and squats I did while on that nearly 2 hour shoot. The muscles in the backs of my legs were killing me and I dare say the thin ladies I was photographing didn't wake up Monday morning with leg cramps from squatting their asses in the sand).
I had my normal sized hubby wear my pedometer for a bit. He walked on average 15,000 steps!!! You know what I average with out walking for exercise? Around 4,500 steps. Seriously!!!!! I am baking, cooking, cleaning, watching kids, doing laundry and puttering round the house. I am wayyyyy under the 10,000 steps they say a healthy human should travel during a day. Again; move more eat less. I gotta kick the lazy out of my buns. Even a house wife has 10,000 steps in her BEFORE exercise. If I want to affect the core of me, change what got me here in the first place I have to alter this lazy tendency.
The journey begins with a single rearranged and prearranged step...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sometimes I Feel...
...as if I were trapped in a world of prefab everything. Were told how to look, how to act, how to be and how really NOT to be. What it all says to me is "You are never good enough... you will always be flawed."
Ever since I was a small girl I was told how "pretty" I was and I wondered even then what that meant. I knew at times it meant I could bat my lashes and get away with things my brothers couldnt. I became a young lady and developed fast. I learned that a tiny waist and huge breasts can carry a girl purdy darned far if she didnt really care where it was she was going or how she got there. When I was a young woman of 18 I was married. I learned bargains could be made between a hubby and a wife for alllll kinds of things *wink* and that theres just simply a power in being a woman; sometimes.
We don't have much media in our home. We try not to buy into commercialism too much but then ... well what can I say I think as a woman there's a pressure. I don't know if there is for a man. I never have heard one ask if his ass looked fat in his jeans, but I myself have been reduced to tears by my less perky chest line. Who am I crying for? Me? Or am I upset I cant live up to what I think I am supposed to be? Am I afraid my hubby will be less than thrilled at the thought of touching my too squishy thighs and derriere? Would I even notice it if I weren't told that it SHOULD be different? Or would I think my breasts were fine for all of the children they have nursed and would I celebrate my stretch marked tummy for all the life it has created? What would I think if no one told me HOW to think? What would my hubby think if society didn't dictate a Barbie wife in every home? Question after question... never to be answered.
I wrote this poem a while back, it seems to suit my mood as of late as if its my mantra I would love to scream to the world.
BLOOMING WOMAN
If I were a flower would you let me truly open?
Would you drink in the scent of my petals full?
Would you bask in the beauty that is woman
wholly without reservation,
without judgment,
without condemning it
to preset functions and precut form.
Would you appreciate the colors of my being
without having me to capture,
just content to live within its rapture.
Could you let me grow by rivers bank wild
or would you dare to pick my spirit clean
and set me amongst the windows of your caged ego
left to be an accent to you, in your need for ornamentation.
Can you leave behind your want and ever present desire
to acquire that which you truly cannot have?
You are man; a rock strong and true and yet
how much stronger am I, the flower, than you?
For I am woman, the sacred vessel
in whom all life grows.
I alone hold life’s best kept secrets
The ones that only Mother Earth knows.
~HoneyB~
Ever since I was a small girl I was told how "pretty" I was and I wondered even then what that meant. I knew at times it meant I could bat my lashes and get away with things my brothers couldnt. I became a young lady and developed fast. I learned that a tiny waist and huge breasts can carry a girl purdy darned far if she didnt really care where it was she was going or how she got there. When I was a young woman of 18 I was married. I learned bargains could be made between a hubby and a wife for alllll kinds of things *wink* and that theres just simply a power in being a woman; sometimes.
We don't have much media in our home. We try not to buy into commercialism too much but then ... well what can I say I think as a woman there's a pressure. I don't know if there is for a man. I never have heard one ask if his ass looked fat in his jeans, but I myself have been reduced to tears by my less perky chest line. Who am I crying for? Me? Or am I upset I cant live up to what I think I am supposed to be? Am I afraid my hubby will be less than thrilled at the thought of touching my too squishy thighs and derriere? Would I even notice it if I weren't told that it SHOULD be different? Or would I think my breasts were fine for all of the children they have nursed and would I celebrate my stretch marked tummy for all the life it has created? What would I think if no one told me HOW to think? What would my hubby think if society didn't dictate a Barbie wife in every home? Question after question... never to be answered.
I wrote this poem a while back, it seems to suit my mood as of late as if its my mantra I would love to scream to the world.
BLOOMING WOMANIf I were a flower would you let me truly open?
Would you drink in the scent of my petals full?
Would you bask in the beauty that is woman
wholly without reservation,
without judgment,
without condemning it
to preset functions and precut form.
Would you appreciate the colors of my being
without having me to capture,
just content to live within its rapture.
Could you let me grow by rivers bank wild
or would you dare to pick my spirit clean
and set me amongst the windows of your caged ego
left to be an accent to you, in your need for ornamentation.
Can you leave behind your want and ever present desire
to acquire that which you truly cannot have?
You are man; a rock strong and true and yet
how much stronger am I, the flower, than you?
For I am woman, the sacred vessel
in whom all life grows.
I alone hold life’s best kept secrets
The ones that only Mother Earth knows.
~HoneyB~
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
"Education Is The Progressive Realization Of...
Our Own Ignorance." Yes, I am quoting Bubbles from the Power Puff Girls. Who the heck knows who she was quoting :))))) Still, its relevant to me this week . I always think I got this, I think I know something and then I find I really don't know anything at all.
Ive already done this weight loss thing. And I maintained it cuz I thought my 4th was my last baby. I know what you gonna say "But you gained it all back." and thats true... I did. I haven't quite figured out my food issues when I'm preggers. I eat enough for sextuplets. After a 127 lbs lost one would think you might know how to achieve that again. Not so easy. So after a reality b*@ch slap in the face this weekend I sat down and really thought about what I did before. Not food, not exercise but what my mind did before. Those are very different things. Every idiot knows you cant eat a gallon of Maple Nut ice cream every night and magically become a size 2. Eat less move more blah, blah, blah... I think were all smart enough to know that... the real question is what makes us 'dumb' enough not to.
I had a photo shoot this weekend. Family of 11 and can I say I NEVER have had to fake my way through something as much as I had this past weekend. It was at the lake, I had to bend, lay in the sand, get in the water (clinging dress *sniff, cry*) and just act in general like I had my crap together. Well people I freaking dont. Inside I was dying. I sat on the beach and the lower I had to crunch down the more my stomach and boobs threatened to smother me. I feared if I laid on my belly Green Peace would roll up in a rescue raft screaming "Heave Ho Boys, She cant breathe!!! Roll 'er back in!!!" I was uncomfortable to say the least.
I came home and after editing and getting out the photos yesterday I sat and did an inventory of what it takes to do this thing. I mean really, what did it take for me to get in, and stay in, the mindset to lose 127 lbs for petes sake??? I figured some things out. Some crucial things I had been missing, or at least had been asking for in places where I must have known they didnt exist. I have been thinking I need all of this support. Like somehow this comes from outside of myself and its not true. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE to have people in my life that are on the same journey. I adore that because theres a connection there that the "others" in my Lost world dont really get. I need the comradeship but the kind of support I was 'looking' for just doenst exist outside of myself.
How did I fix this last time? I wrote. I don't mean here, or to anybody or for anybody. I wrote out my obsession. I wrote through my hunger, my pain, my day to day struggle with myself. I wrote things in my journals I would never dare tell another soul, but I could admit to myself... then I could see it and purge it and be done with it. I filled 5 subject spiral notebooks like a mad woman. I shifted my focus from the outside stimuli to my inside feelings what ever they were and was able to push through them where no amount of help from anything external short of a shock collar would have sufficed. So I'm back to being spiral bound and it's cathartic in a way. I feel back on track but hesitate to say it. Im doing this quietly. Ill shout loudly when I need to in my own way in black and white between the sheets of an old comfortable friend.
On a "lighter" note I did enter the contest. The thought of updating that hideous video is appalling but then again when I was losing before I videoed nakey every 10 lbs for my eyes only of course. It was like some freak show of shrinkage in fast forward. The sickest part of that whole video experience? I literally couldn't tell even nakey until I had lost over 50 lbs. :))))) Onward and upward right?
Ive already done this weight loss thing. And I maintained it cuz I thought my 4th was my last baby. I know what you gonna say "But you gained it all back." and thats true... I did. I haven't quite figured out my food issues when I'm preggers. I eat enough for sextuplets. After a 127 lbs lost one would think you might know how to achieve that again. Not so easy. So after a reality b*@ch slap in the face this weekend I sat down and really thought about what I did before. Not food, not exercise but what my mind did before. Those are very different things. Every idiot knows you cant eat a gallon of Maple Nut ice cream every night and magically become a size 2. Eat less move more blah, blah, blah... I think were all smart enough to know that... the real question is what makes us 'dumb' enough not to.
I had a photo shoot this weekend. Family of 11 and can I say I NEVER have had to fake my way through something as much as I had this past weekend. It was at the lake, I had to bend, lay in the sand, get in the water (clinging dress *sniff, cry*) and just act in general like I had my crap together. Well people I freaking dont. Inside I was dying. I sat on the beach and the lower I had to crunch down the more my stomach and boobs threatened to smother me. I feared if I laid on my belly Green Peace would roll up in a rescue raft screaming "Heave Ho Boys, She cant breathe!!! Roll 'er back in!!!" I was uncomfortable to say the least.
I came home and after editing and getting out the photos yesterday I sat and did an inventory of what it takes to do this thing. I mean really, what did it take for me to get in, and stay in, the mindset to lose 127 lbs for petes sake??? I figured some things out. Some crucial things I had been missing, or at least had been asking for in places where I must have known they didnt exist. I have been thinking I need all of this support. Like somehow this comes from outside of myself and its not true. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE to have people in my life that are on the same journey. I adore that because theres a connection there that the "others" in my Lost world dont really get. I need the comradeship but the kind of support I was 'looking' for just doenst exist outside of myself.
How did I fix this last time? I wrote. I don't mean here, or to anybody or for anybody. I wrote out my obsession. I wrote through my hunger, my pain, my day to day struggle with myself. I wrote things in my journals I would never dare tell another soul, but I could admit to myself... then I could see it and purge it and be done with it. I filled 5 subject spiral notebooks like a mad woman. I shifted my focus from the outside stimuli to my inside feelings what ever they were and was able to push through them where no amount of help from anything external short of a shock collar would have sufficed. So I'm back to being spiral bound and it's cathartic in a way. I feel back on track but hesitate to say it. Im doing this quietly. Ill shout loudly when I need to in my own way in black and white between the sheets of an old comfortable friend.
On a "lighter" note I did enter the contest. The thought of updating that hideous video is appalling but then again when I was losing before I videoed nakey every 10 lbs for my eyes only of course. It was like some freak show of shrinkage in fast forward. The sickest part of that whole video experience? I literally couldn't tell even nakey until I had lost over 50 lbs. :))))) Onward and upward right?
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Holy Heifer Batman!
So I have literally lost my mind in the last week and a half/two weeks. Seriously. I can be good for like a total of 4 hours, what am I a toddler?!? I have gained back a TON! of weight, I mean a ton!!!! Like half of what took me forever to lose. How can that happen? Id like to blame water... I'm sure that's part of it, Ive been bad with the yucky stuff and I feel like a bloated carp, but I know that's not it.
Im on track today... for the moment. I guess when it comes to this I just need to "live in the moment" no past no future just the ever present, present.
As an additional kick on my overly round arse I have come to the very concrete conclusion that my Wii, even with its Wii carpet feet on, is about 6 or 7 lbs off!!!!!! Not in a good way either... like in a bad way, like I'm 6 or 7 lbs HEAVIER than I thought :(((((( Can I just crawl back into bed?
I did this before, I kicked this outta the park why cant I this time? I am trying to think back on that time in my life, what were my driving factors blah, blah... I was alone then. No internet to search for inspiration. No heavy people near me. I did it alone and yet with all of the support I have now I cant seem to get my rear in gear!!!
I just gotta keep at it... anything worth doing takes time.
*As a side note, I'm thinking of joining a weight loss contest as motivation. The prize is $500.00 and that would sure be nice. What do you guys think about keeping motivated through contests?
Im on track today... for the moment. I guess when it comes to this I just need to "live in the moment" no past no future just the ever present, present.
As an additional kick on my overly round arse I have come to the very concrete conclusion that my Wii, even with its Wii carpet feet on, is about 6 or 7 lbs off!!!!!! Not in a good way either... like in a bad way, like I'm 6 or 7 lbs HEAVIER than I thought :(((((( Can I just crawl back into bed?
I did this before, I kicked this outta the park why cant I this time? I am trying to think back on that time in my life, what were my driving factors blah, blah... I was alone then. No internet to search for inspiration. No heavy people near me. I did it alone and yet with all of the support I have now I cant seem to get my rear in gear!!!
I just gotta keep at it... anything worth doing takes time.
*As a side note, I'm thinking of joining a weight loss contest as motivation. The prize is $500.00 and that would sure be nice. What do you guys think about keeping motivated through contests?
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
In Need Of Mr. Bubble A.S.A.P
This is our first spring here at the new homestead and OMGoodness is there a ton to do! We use only "green" methods of breaking sod, our bodies are our machines and our enthusiasm the fuel :)
We have 1,200 lbs of tomatoes being planted this spring... if they have a normal rate of production. Thats a whole lotta harvesting and canning not to mention the other fruits of our labors... Kinda makes me sleep better at night, like I have accomplished something real, something solid. Sustainable living has been our goal for some time now and I finally feel were getting there.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
It's In The Bowl
So my mom makes these beautiful bowls. Plates and other things too but I adore her bowls. She handcrafts them, glazes them, fires them and gives them to those she loves. I have never used mine, afraid they might break. She wants me to use them and they are dishwasher safe she assures but again I hesitate... I would feel awful if they were broken. Until today that is.
Ive been in a funk, this is no secret. I have decided to not let this detour me. Happiness lecture from hubby or not, I need to lose this weight. I need it gone now. Heres where my bowls come in. She has made me small ones and really large soup ones and between ones. Portion hasnt been my strong point thus far, and bowls are cupped like hands, like measuring cups ready to met out only a certain amount. This ties into my next discovery.
Poor people eat soup. I know, I have a huge family and it feeds a ton of people and fills you up and stretches your dime purdy darn far. And its nutritious, has variety in color, taste, texture, smell... its a wonderful versatile item. It can be eaten warm or cold., it can be rich or thin, bold or subtle. People in countries where obesity isn't an issue eat soup. A LOT of soup. People who have weight loss surgeries eat soup for weeks on end. Those weeks in which they lose the most I might add. *I know this isn't an absolute for everyone you get what I'm sayin' though*
I went to recipezaar.com and typed in "soup" and there are 16,456 recipes for soup! Imagine the culinary possibilities! Imagine the menu! You would have to eat 45 different soups 365 days a year in order to get through to the same one again! The beauty is that although there are few that are so decadent and high in calories that you might not want to eat a ton, the reality is that even if you gorged yourself on a huge quantity of soup you in most cases could never eat enough soup at any one given meal to make you truly fat. This got me thinkin'... Im starting over. Im eating what ever I want, clarify that, what ever soup I want and there are a butt load of em. Im using my mothers bowls, cuz I love em, cuz she loves me and in the end it makes both of us happy :)
Starting tomorrow I'm starting my 'soup-a-thon' and I'm gonna see in 14 days what those results are. How will I compare to those who are surgically forced to eat soup? How will I fare mentally? Will I want to chew my hubbys arm off just to get something more solid? I dunno, but Im gonna find out ;)
Finally excited again :)
Ive been in a funk, this is no secret. I have decided to not let this detour me. Happiness lecture from hubby or not, I need to lose this weight. I need it gone now. Heres where my bowls come in. She has made me small ones and really large soup ones and between ones. Portion hasnt been my strong point thus far, and bowls are cupped like hands, like measuring cups ready to met out only a certain amount. This ties into my next discovery.
Poor people eat soup. I know, I have a huge family and it feeds a ton of people and fills you up and stretches your dime purdy darn far. And its nutritious, has variety in color, taste, texture, smell... its a wonderful versatile item. It can be eaten warm or cold., it can be rich or thin, bold or subtle. People in countries where obesity isn't an issue eat soup. A LOT of soup. People who have weight loss surgeries eat soup for weeks on end. Those weeks in which they lose the most I might add. *I know this isn't an absolute for everyone you get what I'm sayin' though*
I went to recipezaar.com and typed in "soup" and there are 16,456 recipes for soup! Imagine the culinary possibilities! Imagine the menu! You would have to eat 45 different soups 365 days a year in order to get through to the same one again! The beauty is that although there are few that are so decadent and high in calories that you might not want to eat a ton, the reality is that even if you gorged yourself on a huge quantity of soup you in most cases could never eat enough soup at any one given meal to make you truly fat. This got me thinkin'... Im starting over. Im eating what ever I want, clarify that, what ever soup I want and there are a butt load of em. Im using my mothers bowls, cuz I love em, cuz she loves me and in the end it makes both of us happy :)
Starting tomorrow I'm starting my 'soup-a-thon' and I'm gonna see in 14 days what those results are. How will I compare to those who are surgically forced to eat soup? How will I fare mentally? Will I want to chew my hubbys arm off just to get something more solid? I dunno, but Im gonna find out ;)
Finally excited again :)
SWAGGER WAGON
Can I just say SOOOOOO funny for people who are forced to drive a mini van like me :)))))))))))))))) With seven kids there just arent a whole lots choices... this video was sooooo funny!
What Is "Healthy"?
Hubby and I had a talk last night and again this morning. Firstly let me reiterate what a supportive and loving hubby I have. I have said it a 1,000 times and Ill say it again; if I wanted the moon that man would find a way to rope it and hand it to me. But last night we had a talk about what "healthy" means. I found it means something totally different to he and I. Healthy to me means being fit, in shape, in control. Healthy to him means being happy. For him its is a state of mind issue. In his mind if one is truly happy everything else will work its self out. Truly happy is the key there. When one is truly happy they dont continually make choices that hurt themselves. Whether that be with food, sex, drugs etc... We all make occasional choices that aren't good he argued, but if your happy and genuinely enjoy who you are and where you are in your life those occasional bad decisions we make as humans dont become habits that inhibit our over all happiness. The man has a point.
He doesn't want me to do "this". He was honest about it. He thinks I am going about "this" from the wrong angle. He wants me to be healthy... translation; really be happy. Not content, which is what I am, but HAPPY. So as he left today he asked a few things of me. He asked that I go outside and simply enjoy it. Enjoy the sun without fidgeting and feeling guilty that I should be "doing" something. He told me to stop looking at what needs to get done and start enjoying what has already been accomplished.
All in all I know its true. I know humans are no different than animals and there must be some pay off, good or bad, that I'm getting out of over eating and not moving my body like I should. Some pound for pound pleasure I get out of my bad behavior. Were not stupid creatures and the whole world isn't on a diet so there's something that makes them move. Theres something that makes the rest of the world stop when they are full. I think hes right. It isnt about the foods or the work outs, its about healthy happiness. Its about making the simple right choices in small ways. A choice like having a normal portion and leaving some on the plate. A choice like walking the laundry out to the line instead of putting it in the dryer. Choices like walking to the mailbox instead of having the kids get the mail. There are a million small things that I can honestly say I put off to avoid moving. Its like when I sit on the dock instead of stand there and fish. Its like going to the park and watching while he pushes them on the swings. I think its not as complicated as we have all made it out to be; eat less, of anything, and move more, always.
In the end he will be supportive of my efforts what ever road I decide to take. He doesn't agree most days, hes proud of my resolve on others but on the whole he is supportive. Today he is picking me up Greek Yogurt cuz I asked for it. Cuz maybe Greek Yogurt is the key to my "happy" diet... :)))))
Monday, May 17, 2010
Blahhhhhhhh....
I cant seem to think. I made good food choices today, or rather almost no food choices today. I finally ate some tillapia (sp *fish) and cup of diced tomatoes around 4:30pm. I did 30 minutes of step aerobics... its all I was in the mood for.
I did something out of character for me today though. Stepped out of my comfort zone so to speak. I let my son record me in a dress that I bought on purpose too small for when I lose weight. Its tight on me now. OMGaaaawwwddddd did I look like a horrific cow. I dont know if watching that was a good thing or a bad thing. No, I'm not subjecting any other viewers to it :)))) It makes me feel drastic. It makes me feel disgusted. It makes me feel a lil panicked. I didnt eat all day today until this afternoon and I only did that cuz I thought I had to. I honestly dont want to ever have to eat again.
I dont know what this mood is all about. Maybe its my baby turning 1 in the next week and a half and the realization that I am not having any more children is really sinking in. I need a change. I need me to change.
I did something out of character for me today though. Stepped out of my comfort zone so to speak. I let my son record me in a dress that I bought on purpose too small for when I lose weight. Its tight on me now. OMGaaaawwwddddd did I look like a horrific cow. I dont know if watching that was a good thing or a bad thing. No, I'm not subjecting any other viewers to it :)))) It makes me feel drastic. It makes me feel disgusted. It makes me feel a lil panicked. I didnt eat all day today until this afternoon and I only did that cuz I thought I had to. I honestly dont want to ever have to eat again.
I dont know what this mood is all about. Maybe its my baby turning 1 in the next week and a half and the realization that I am not having any more children is really sinking in. I need a change. I need me to change.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Just Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay...
I have noticed this reoccurring theme. Every time I do something that I feel is for me I just freeze. I choke. I sit.... I cant explain it. Is it a fear of failure? I dont think so? Is it a fear of success? I just dont know! This isn't just with weight either, although I am noticing that most right now. Every pound I lose seems somehow to make me a nervous wreck... like Ill actually become human or something and ohhhh I dont know be expected to participate? Live? Be present in my life and wholly present in the lives of those around me. So I retreat, and my weight regains. I sit my fat arse right on the dock.
Uhhhhgggggg.... I have to snap back, I have to just do this thing! I can be whom ever I choose to be, so why do I choose to be the least of my possibilities? I did this before. I lost 127 lbs in 7 months for petes sake I can do this, I know it can be done because Ive done it; and yet.... here I sit. On the sidelines. On the couch. On the dock.
How can I get more accountable? How can I be more motivated? How can I put me on project status? I have a really close friend who is my mentor in life. She doesn't have a weight problem but her hubby and she are my best friends (my hubbys best friends too) our mentors, our spiritual teachers, our go to folk on everything I swear. Any how I was over at her place yesterday and we were in her gardens, she has fabulous gardens, and I was getting some of her plants to plant at my house. I have a brown thumb. I told her I was nervous but i had been "reading up" on it. She said "Put down the books. You can read about things all day long, your not really going to learn about anything unless you just do it."
'Bout sums it up... I spose life really is just one big Nike commercial... if I wanna get my fat butt of the dock I gotta just do it.
Friday, May 14, 2010
My Sticky Sweet Hubby and His sticky Caramel Buns... oops I Mean Rolls
I am not going to stop being me... baking, sewing, cooking, creating, crafting, mothering... feeding my troops just because I have an eating problem. I am going to have to figure out how to live side by side with it. I dont have to eat it all just because its there. This one was my sticky caramel cinnomon roll.
Here is my hubby... not an ounce on him ... grrrrrrrrrr.... So today's challenge for me didn't end up being exercise or weight issues at all. The challenge was in finding the balance with who I really am, and who I envision myself to be. The two aren't exclusive. I literally hooked this guy on our first date by baking two pies (one for after dinner as dessert and one to take home so my name would quite literally be on the tip of his tongue ;) and making him a home cooked meal instead as tradition would dictate he taking me out to eat. Restaurants are over rated. He purposed in less than a month, Ive been cooking for him ever since... the rest is history.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Conflicted To Contented Homemaker
Its no secret that although I am smack dab here in the 2000's I really have the heart of a generation past. A time when roles were more clearly defined and simplicity was the rule. I know, I know it just isn't politically correct for me to say it out loud that Id rather be in the kitchen, cuz I really honestly do think its my place. *can almost feel my white collar liberal mother cringe as I type, I love you mommy :)*
What does this have to do with diet and fitness you might ask? Well, as stated in the first chapter, a whole lot! ..."An ideal homemaker is lovely to look at and lovely to be around-she has a wholesome attitude and a pleasing appearance. She has the courage to be happy and strives to live above the grievous faults of moodiness, sulkiness, and complaining. She is gracious and thoughtful..."
Doyle also goes on to say that attitude is a major player in how we view our jobs as housewives, and I would assume those jobs outside of the home as well. She said this, "Attitude begins with Gratitude." Look for what you are thankful for and your attitude about things will begin to change. Example? Pile of dirty dishes.... one thought is "Ohhh man not again! Why do I always have to do the dishes?" or Gratitude? "We are blessed to have enough food to have a meal, when we know it to be true so many others have none."
Keeping myself "up" physically and emotionally as my mates spouse should be a priority to me. My hubby works so very hard, 2 jobs in fact, to make sure I have enough dishes, enough food, even just a house to clean at all. An attitude of gratitude about my workouts might just change the way I veiw them. I am healthy enough at all to use my body is one thing I am thankful for. One thing I shouldnt take for granted. When Im pouting over some lil food craving I can be more thankful that I have been given the healthy choices I have as I know so many people in our country cannot afford fresh fruits and vegetables.
I have been following this blog of another homemaker, Dirty Little Secrets, and watching her transform her house into a home. She uses this book as her jumping off point and daily reference guide. Like me she has a large number of people who depend on her and a hubby as a helpmate. To a lot of people I would suppose it seems silly or out dated. I was raised being told I should "want more" and "you can be anything" although Ill be honest I never really understood what that meant. How could there be anything more than wonderful than caring for those whom you love?
I think its time for me to stop going through the motions in life. This really means making the move from housekeeper to homemaker, and there is a huge difference between the two believe me. It also means moving from just being in my body to really living within my self. It means changing my attitude and it means finding more gratitude so that I can truly honor who it is I was really meant to be. Fitness isn't just physical, its the endurance also to take on life in all its varied aspects after all its the most important marathon we'll ever run.
The Calm After The Storm
I dont know what the heck happened to me yesterday but today all is well on the upper Midwestern front. I feel soooo bad I didn't get my exercise in yesterday for the Twon Challenge :( I was going to do it last night after the baby laid down but she pulled another crabby almost all niter. So much so I came down to the living room with her just so poor hubby could get a few hours sleep before work today. I dont know who these teeth are hurting more :P
At any rate I got up this morning an saw hubby off to work and baby Lilly was sleeping, tuckered out from her teething and I took advantage of the relative calm. I got in an hour of step aerobics and accomplished over 6000 steps! I am planning on giving it another hour tonight if baby cooperates with the whole bedtime plan ;)
My eating has been right where I want it thus far. This morning I had green tea and yogurt with almonds for breakfast and for lunch I had mixed cauliflower and broccoli steamed with some grilled Tilapia (spelling?) and yogurt, no almonds. Been chugging the water as I go about cleaning the house. I'm feelin fine and I still dont know what the heck happened yesterday.
I have to say, I confessed to my hubby right away when he came home. I expected him to be disappointed or something. He wasn't, he was very supportive. He said just to forget about it and since it was over and done with there was no need fretting over it. He hugged me and told me he is proud of me... that right there was enough incentive to make him proud again today :) Goodness I love that guy ...
At any rate I got up this morning an saw hubby off to work and baby Lilly was sleeping, tuckered out from her teething and I took advantage of the relative calm. I got in an hour of step aerobics and accomplished over 6000 steps! I am planning on giving it another hour tonight if baby cooperates with the whole bedtime plan ;)
My eating has been right where I want it thus far. This morning I had green tea and yogurt with almonds for breakfast and for lunch I had mixed cauliflower and broccoli steamed with some grilled Tilapia (spelling?) and yogurt, no almonds. Been chugging the water as I go about cleaning the house. I'm feelin fine and I still dont know what the heck happened yesterday.
I have to say, I confessed to my hubby right away when he came home. I expected him to be disappointed or something. He wasn't, he was very supportive. He said just to forget about it and since it was over and done with there was no need fretting over it. He hugged me and told me he is proud of me... that right there was enough incentive to make him proud again today :) Goodness I love that guy ...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Black Wednsday
This morning I wasn't feeling the best again because Lilly the 11 month old was up nearly all night with her teeth bothering her. I am old. Have I really stated this loud enough? I AM OLD... :))) There is a reason why women are most fertile in their 20s ... it's because that's when they can stay awake long enough to care for them :P *nods off while typing...*
So this morning as bushed as I was I didn't jump right to my fitness... I sat. I sat and started out good. Green Tea and yogurt with some almonds at first. Then it was lunch time and it all started falling apart. I hadn't exercised at this point mind you. I fixed left over bow tie pasta with Alfredo sauce (so sinful the way I make it) for my son and I was going to heat up and eat the stuffed Anaheim chilies I had prepared the day before. I put cheese on them. Dont ask me why, but I put a lot of cheese on them. I ate them both after he turned his nose up at his. After the cheese and pasta it was all down hill. I sat and ate a whole huge container of yogurt with almonds. Next up a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. Then I polished off the rest of my fruit platter... about a cup and a half of mixed melons.
I'm not eating dinner tonight. I have sort of a two fold idea of what went wrong today. Firstly and most importantly I didn't exercise this morning and I sat and watched two whole movies! I dont watch much in terms of TV or movies. Maybe some sort of program every other day if that and all we have is Netflix because of my belief that TV can suck up so very much of ones life and there I sat and there I sucked. By the time I had all of that in my gut I
Secondly I have found something peculiar about myself. I already knew that pasta makes me go crazy so I have stayed away from it entirely. I didn't know how ever I would feel this way with brown rice. After all isn't it sposed to be healthy? Every time I eat it I fight over eating urges. I'm thinking I'm going to have to nix the brown rice :(
How am I going to course correct? Well a famous man once said "An object at rest remains at rest..." I am no such object. When I wake up tomorrow I am hitting my exercise. It keeps me in motion, my progress in motion and that same smart man said "An object in motion remains in motion..." I got this... I'm round... watch me roll baby... ;)
Have you found any "Healthy" foods that you have to keep away from?
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