The End Result

So .... I have been writing every time I'm feeling a bit weird food wise instead of just eating. Remember a lil bit back I said I needed to write it out? Write those feelings out and such? Well it must be working because it hasn't been that bloody long, I have not been exercising like I should (shoes will be here tomorrow!) and I haven't been eating just healthy foods. Whats different then? I haven't been eating when I'm angry, or stressed, or gosh forbid bored. I have been writing those feelings out and some how by writing it it makes it more real to me, it becomes purged in a strange sort of way as a tangible thing that's out of me instead of a feeling that I want to stuff down; with a pound of pasta.

So to what end? Well since the day I started my writing thing ... the 23th of May; I have dropped 6.5 effortless pounds. I have eaten grilled burgers. I have eaten rhubarb crisp with ice cream. I even indulged in Doritos which is a rare thing in this house. But I haven't denied myself. Nor have I over indulged. This week I will start my walking again because I love it and my shoes are finally coming. But Ill be honest, I'm not going to walk as a regimented form of exercise. I'm going to walk only because it feels good to do so. I'm going to strap my tennis shoes on because I want to... not have to.

I have found something interesting out about myself during this rather short experiment. If I set myself up in a situation where it is only win or lose, I inadvertently set myself up to fail. I seem to go all or nothing and that's not good with anything. Even too much of a good thing is bad for ya. Eat less, move more. That's the bottom line for me.

I'm learning to really listen to myself, to hear what it is Im really saying inside this brain of mine. I am not on auto pilot.... I'm flying this B52 solo and I plan to make it all the way around this time. No diet, no plan almost sound like flying by the seat of my pants but its not. Im listening to all the dials... paying attention to my readings. After all this is a lifetime flight, you only get one chance to go round this big ole world.

Hope yall are havin one heck of a great weekend :)

Those Lil Devils

So they (whom ever the heck 'they' really is) say the egg is the perfect food. Who can beat it for its versatility, protein punch and affordability? Few can compare and lets face it, eggs are available to everyone across the income spectrum.

I have seen Rocky down them raw on the silver screen; I'm certainly not goin' there. Ive seen Adam on Man vs. Food attempt to eat an omelet the size of a literal serving platter; I'm not down with downing a dozen eggs. But ohhhh I love me a deviled egg and that's what I had for lunch.

Sounds naughty with the mayo and all but I measured it out to one perfect tablespoon and threw out a yolk to even the playing field. A smoothie to top it off and I didn't do too bad calories wise at under 350 for the whole shebang. I hear tell that protein is sposed to stave off hunger. That's what I'm goin' for... staving off that which drives me...CraZy

~HoneyB~

The Panic...

has set in today :( Ok now what i am about to write down here I will prolly regret instantaneously but what the heck, its about the journey and about figuring this thing out and being honest with myself and sometimes that doesnt fit into cute lil packages. Some times Im just not nice and today is one of those days.

Here goes. My hubby has a best friend he works with,  Nick is a terrific guy. Great family, nice wife, they have 4 kids and so on. Well, here comes the pouty me part. His wife is a big girl and she gets to have the surgery! TODAY! Today ppl.... that means my hubby will be the only guy left at work with a fat wife. I know this sounds stupid, sounds childish I know, I know but still I feel it. I cant lie, I feel the pressure.

I just want to state right off the bat that Nick is dead set against the surgery. He and Jen have been in some serious arguments over this thing and he has really had some major concerns hes been expressing to my hubby. Hes a loving guy though and he has said he will be supportive of her no matter what she decides. He says the same as my hubby; he says he wishes she wouldnt do it, he doesnt want her to "change". Sounds sweet doesnt it? I wonder.

I think Nick and my hubby are in the same boat some what. Both against anything like surgery, both have never had weight issues, both say the same things to Jen and I.... but when Jen does this thing and the fear of her getting hurt from the surgery is passed you cant tell me Nick isn't going to be all over happy about her getting thinner. Hes gonna be loving that from a physical stand point. So as happy as they are with us now, and I believe they are, I know they both miss the girls they married. Nicks about to get his back.

I dont know if its true for men but weight colors everything for us women. It isnt just about clothes fitting right it follows us into the bedroom as well. There are certain things I will do with hubby that I have to tell ya, I would enjoy if I wasnt looking like a shar pei puppy with rolls up and down when he sees me from the back ... Im just sayin' people... it crowds out or rather into a lot of places, and intimate ones as well or more than any other area. Nicks going to have his bedroom back. And every guy is a happier guy about that.

So whats all this panic doing to me? Well I dont have the compulsion to over eat, thats for sure. I do have the urge to call my doc and schedule an appointment. Which I wont, but I really, really wanna I wont lie. Wonder if I should call the dentist and get my mouth wired shut instead :)))

So there it is. My ugly lil fit today. Its funny because I honestly dont feel jealous of Jen, Im happy for her she gets to be released after today from fat hell. I feel envious of Nick. I feel sorry for my own hubby. this whole thing feels like some one fired the gun at one of my swim meets when I was a kid. I literally feel frozen on the block though. Instead of the sound of the shot scaring me into immobility I have to think of it as a good ole slap on the arse to dive in and get movin'.

Just Thought Id Share....

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."

~Saint Francis De Sales~

Rearranging...

Just a couple of mad ramblings today is all I got :)))

Well I started rearranging my home. All 2,650 square feet of it and then I'm going to start on the building I call my studio (600 sq ft) but is going to be my future one room school house for the wee ones as today is their last day of public school. YEAH!!!!I have decided the baby is going to be one on June 1 so I am commandeering her nursery for my "project" room. I need my own space and since the lil ones are taking over my studio this appears to be the only place I have left to even consider.

This is a huge project. HUGE. There are 9 people living in our home. 9 people have a lot of stuff. I have set out to go item by item and assess its usefulness and purge at will. No clutter. No frills. No gratuitous "fluff". This has proven to be a therapeutic thing along the way. I have redone one bathroom complete with painting and my own art work (I did shots of all of the girls feet :)

These are my oldest daughters dirty colorful toes.

My mind is a jumble of things, rearranging my physical world always helps my mental state. Plus it goes with my whole "move more eat less" thing I got going. I know house work doesnt sound all that taxing but lemme tell ya, if you spend 6 hours in a day painting with a roller... its works those arms and the legs and butt with all the squatting and crouching and all.

I have been trying to really look at the "normal" weight people in my life and see what common traits they share. One of them is they seem to always be moving. They seems to have less of a tendency than I too put things off until later. They do things even when they don't feel like it just because it needs to be done. They rarely skate by on the bare minimum in terms of activity. I'm beginning to conclude that my obesity is as a huge out word manifestation of my chronic procrastination habits.

If I were honest and not politically correct I would dare say it would stand to reason, the fatter one is, the lazier one is. Ouch, did I say that out loud? It isn't a four letter word its just an adjective and yet it carries so many connotations, so much levity. Lets look at the facts though before we get all offended. Huge people do less because its harder to do those things that thin people have no trouble doing. Its like a vicious circle. We move less because we weigh more and we weigh more because we move less; but I wonder, if I just did all my days like I faked it this weekend and ate normal instead of like the super sized me, how would I change?(BTW I was dying earlier this week from all of the crouching down and squats I did while on that nearly 2 hour shoot. The muscles in the backs of my legs were killing me and I dare say the thin ladies I was photographing didn't wake up Monday morning with leg cramps from squatting their asses in the sand).

I had my normal sized hubby wear my pedometer for a bit. He walked on average 15,000 steps!!! You know what I average with out walking for exercise? Around 4,500 steps. Seriously!!!!! I am baking, cooking, cleaning, watching kids, doing laundry and puttering round the house. I am wayyyyy under the 10,000 steps they say a healthy human should travel during a day. Again; move more eat less. I gotta kick the lazy out of my buns. Even a house wife has 10,000 steps in her BEFORE exercise. If I want to affect the core of me, change what got me here in the first place I have to alter this lazy tendency.

The journey begins with a single rearranged and prearranged step...

Sometimes I Feel...

...as if I were trapped in a world of prefab everything. Were told how to look, how to act, how to be and how really NOT to be. What it all says to me is "You are never good enough... you will always be flawed."

Ever since I was a small girl I was told how "pretty" I was and I wondered even then what that meant. I knew at times it meant I could bat my lashes and get away with things my brothers couldnt. I became a young lady and developed fast. I learned that a tiny waist and huge breasts can carry a girl purdy darned far if she didnt really care where it was she was going or how she got there. When I was a young woman of 18 I was married. I learned bargains could be made between a hubby and a wife for alllll kinds of things *wink* and that theres just simply a power in being a woman; sometimes.

We don't have much media in our home. We try not to buy into commercialism too much but then ... well what can I say I think as a woman there's a pressure. I don't know if there is for a man. I never have heard one ask if his ass looked fat in his jeans, but I myself have been reduced to tears by my less perky chest line. Who am I crying for? Me? Or am I upset I cant live up to what I think I am supposed to be? Am I afraid my hubby will be less than thrilled at the thought of touching my too squishy thighs and derriere? Would I even notice it if I weren't told that it SHOULD be different? Or would I think my breasts were fine for all of the children they have nursed and would I celebrate my stretch marked tummy for all the life it has created? What would I think if no one told me HOW to think? What would my hubby think if society didn't dictate a Barbie wife in every home? Question after question... never to be answered.

I wrote this poem a while back, it seems to suit my mood as of late as if its my mantra I would love to scream to the world.


BLOOMING WOMAN

If I were a flower would you let me truly open?
Would you drink in the scent of my petals full?
Would you bask in the beauty that is woman
wholly without reservation,
without judgment,
without condemning it
to preset functions and precut form.
Would you appreciate the colors of my being
without having me to capture,
just content to live within its rapture.
Could you let me grow by rivers bank wild
or would you dare to pick my spirit clean
and set me amongst the windows of your caged ego
left to be an accent to you, in your need for ornamentation.
Can you leave behind your want and ever present desire
to acquire that which you truly cannot have?
You are man; a rock strong and true and yet
how much stronger am I, the flower, than you?
For I am woman, the sacred vessel
in whom all life grows.
I alone hold life’s best kept secrets
The ones that only Mother Earth knows.
~HoneyB~

"Education Is The Progressive Realization Of...

Our Own Ignorance." Yes, I am quoting Bubbles from the Power Puff Girls. Who the heck knows who she was quoting :))))) Still, its relevant to me this week . I always think I got this, I think I know something and then I find I really don't know anything at all.

Ive already done this weight loss thing. And I maintained it cuz I thought my 4th was my last baby. I know what you gonna say "But you gained it all back." and thats true... I did. I haven't quite figured out my food issues when I'm preggers. I eat enough for sextuplets. After a 127 lbs lost one would think you might know how to achieve that again. Not so easy. So after a reality b*@ch slap in the face this weekend I sat down and really thought about what I did before. Not food, not exercise but what my mind did before. Those are very different things. Every idiot knows you cant eat a gallon of Maple Nut ice cream every night and magically become a size 2. Eat less move more blah, blah, blah... I think were all smart enough to know that... the real question is what makes us 'dumb' enough not to.

I had a photo shoot this weekend. Family of 11 and can I say I NEVER have had to fake my way through something as much as I had this past weekend. It was at the lake, I had to bend, lay in the sand, get in the water (clinging dress *sniff, cry*) and just act in general like I had my crap together. Well people I freaking dont. Inside I was dying. I sat on the beach and the lower I had to crunch down the more my stomach and boobs threatened to smother me. I feared if I laid on my belly Green Peace would roll up in a rescue raft screaming "Heave Ho Boys, She cant breathe!!! Roll 'er back in!!!" I was uncomfortable to say the least.

I came home and after editing and getting out the photos yesterday I sat and did an inventory of what it takes to do this thing. I mean really, what did it take for me to get in, and stay in, the mindset to lose 127 lbs for petes sake??? I figured some things out. Some crucial things I had been missing, or at least had been asking for in places where I must have known they didnt exist. I have been thinking I need all of this support. Like somehow this comes from outside of myself and its not true. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE to have people in my life that are on the same journey. I adore that because theres a connection there that the "others" in my Lost world dont really get. I need the comradeship but the kind of support I was 'looking' for just doenst exist outside of myself.

How did I fix this last time? I wrote. I don't mean here, or to anybody or for anybody. I wrote out my obsession. I wrote through my hunger, my pain, my day to day struggle with myself. I wrote things in my journals I would never dare tell another soul, but I could admit to myself... then I could see it and purge it and be done with it. I filled 5 subject spiral notebooks like a mad woman. I shifted my focus from the outside stimuli to my inside feelings what ever they were and was able to push through them where no amount of help from anything external short of a shock collar would have sufficed. So I'm back to being spiral bound and it's cathartic in a way. I feel back on track but hesitate to say it. Im doing this quietly. Ill shout loudly when I need to in my own way in black and white between the sheets of an old comfortable friend.

On a "lighter" note I did enter the contest. The thought of updating that hideous video is appalling but then again when I was losing before I videoed nakey every 10 lbs for my eyes only of course. It was like some freak show of shrinkage in fast forward. The sickest part of that whole video experience? I literally couldn't tell even nakey until I had lost over 50 lbs. :))))) Onward and upward right?

Holy Heifer Batman!

So I have literally lost my mind in the last week and a half/two weeks. Seriously. I can be good for like a total of 4 hours, what am I a toddler?!? I have gained back a TON! of weight, I mean a ton!!!! Like half of what took me forever to lose. How can that happen? Id like to blame water... I'm sure that's part of it, Ive been bad with the yucky stuff and I feel like a bloated carp, but I know that's not it.

Im on track today... for the moment. I guess when it comes to this I just need to "live in the moment" no past no future just the ever present, present.

As an additional kick on my overly round arse I have come to the very concrete conclusion that my Wii, even with its Wii carpet feet on, is about 6 or 7 lbs off!!!!!! Not in a good way either... like in a bad way, like I'm 6 or 7 lbs HEAVIER than I thought :(((((( Can I just crawl back into bed?

I did this before, I kicked this outta the park why cant I this time? I am trying to think back on that time in my life, what were my driving factors blah, blah... I was alone then. No internet to search for inspiration. No heavy people near me. I did it alone and yet with all of the support I have now I cant seem to get my rear in gear!!!

I just gotta keep at it... anything worth doing takes time.

*As a  side note, I'm thinking of joining a weight loss contest as motivation. The prize is $500.00 and that would sure be nice. What do you guys think about keeping motivated through contests?

In Need Of Mr. Bubble A.S.A.P

Today we started some of our spring planting chores. There are 90 plants to be put in, rows of beans to be planted, pumpkins as well as cucumbers, squash and zucchini.

This is our first spring here at the new homestead and OMGoodness is there a ton to do! We use only "green" methods of breaking sod, our bodies are our machines and our enthusiasm the fuel :)

Hubby hard at work breaking the over grown sod in the planters at the front of the house. These are flower beds but we choose to use what we consider purposeful plants instead of purely ornamental. I have only left one section front and center so to speak that is flowers, because everything needs a touch of color and no one does it better than Mother Nature :)

Ouriyonna has the job of "worm picker" for the worm farm we are starting. This way we always have plenty of worms for fishing :)

No hands are too small to help around planting time and baby Lilly~Anne gets right in on the action :)

I was so concerned for my apple blossoms this year as when they had just begun to come out as buds we were hit with another heavy dose of snow and a good week of below freezing temps. They are now in full bloom and the bees are doing their best to ensure a bountiful crop for apple butter :)

We have 1,200 lbs of tomatoes being planted this spring... if they have a normal rate of production. Thats a whole lotta harvesting and canning not to mention the other fruits of our labors... Kinda makes me sleep better at night, like I have accomplished something real, something solid. Sustainable living has been our goal for some time now and I finally feel were getting there.

All in all we had a great time! Home was never so sweet and hot water and soap never as needed :)

It's In The Bowl

So my mom makes these beautiful bowls. Plates and other things too but I adore her bowls. She handcrafts them, glazes them, fires them and gives them to those she loves. I have never used mine, afraid they might break. She wants me to use them and they are dishwasher safe she assures but again I hesitate... I would feel awful if they were broken. Until today that is.

Ive been in a funk, this is no secret. I have decided to not let this detour me. Happiness lecture from hubby or not, I need to lose this weight. I need it gone now. Heres where my bowls come in. She has made me small ones and really large soup ones and between ones. Portion hasnt been my strong point thus far, and bowls are cupped like hands, like measuring cups ready to met out only a certain amount. This ties into my next discovery.

Poor people eat soup. I know, I have a huge family and it feeds a ton of people and fills you up and stretches your dime purdy darn far. And its nutritious, has variety in color, taste, texture, smell... its a wonderful versatile item. It can be eaten warm or cold., it can be rich or thin, bold or subtle. People in countries where obesity isn't an issue eat soup. A LOT of soup. People who have weight loss surgeries eat soup for weeks on end. Those weeks in which they lose the most I might add. *I know this isn't an absolute for everyone you get what I'm sayin' though*

I went to recipezaar.com and typed in "soup" and there are 16,456 recipes for soup! Imagine the culinary possibilities! Imagine the menu! You would have to eat 45 different soups 365 days a year in order to get through to the same one again! The beauty is that although there are few that are so decadent and high in calories that you might not want to eat a ton, the reality is that even if you gorged yourself on a huge quantity of soup you in most cases could never eat enough soup at any one given meal to make you truly fat. This got me thinkin'... Im starting over. Im eating what ever I want, clarify that, what ever soup I want and there are a butt load of em. Im using my mothers bowls, cuz I love em, cuz she loves me and in the end it makes both of us happy :)

Starting tomorrow I'm starting my 'soup-a-thon' and I'm gonna see in 14 days what those results are. How will I compare to those who are surgically forced to eat soup? How will I fare mentally? Will I want to chew my hubbys arm off just to get something more solid? I dunno, but Im gonna find out ;)

Finally excited again :)

SWAGGER WAGON

Can I just say SOOOOOO funny for people who are forced to drive a mini van like me :)))))))))))))))) With seven kids there just arent a whole lots choices... this video was sooooo funny!

What Is "Healthy"?

I think the hubby and I have a difference in opinion. I was in a mood yesterday, well really all week. Not a very good mood I might add. I wasn't really snapping at people, but disinterested would be more like it. I went through my motions doing my laundry and cooking, changing diapers and bathing lil bodies, helping with school work and monitoring childrens progress on their chores. But my head wasn't in it. My heart wasn't in it either.

Hubby and I had a talk last night and again this morning. Firstly let me reiterate what a supportive and loving hubby I have. I have said it a 1,000 times and Ill say it again; if I wanted the moon that man would find a way to rope it and hand it to me. But last night we had a talk about what "healthy" means. I found it means something totally different to he and I. Healthy to me means being fit, in shape, in control. Healthy to him means being happy. For him its is a state of mind issue. In his mind if one is truly happy everything else will work its self out. Truly happy is the key there. When one is truly happy they dont continually make choices that hurt themselves. Whether that be with food, sex, drugs etc... We all make occasional choices that aren't good he argued, but if your happy and genuinely enjoy who you are and where you are in your life those occasional bad decisions we make as humans dont become habits that inhibit our over all happiness. The man has a point.

He doesn't want me to do "this". He was honest about it. He thinks I am going about "this" from the wrong angle. He wants me to be healthy... translation; really be happy. Not content, which is what I am, but HAPPY. So as he left today he asked a few things of me. He asked that I go outside and simply enjoy it. Enjoy the sun without fidgeting and feeling guilty that I should be "doing" something. He told me to stop looking at what needs to get done and start enjoying what has already been accomplished.

All in all I know its true. I know humans are no different than animals and there must be some pay off, good or bad, that I'm getting out of over eating and not moving my body like I should. Some pound for pound pleasure I get out of my bad behavior. Were not stupid creatures and the whole world isn't on a diet so there's something that makes them move. Theres something that makes the rest of the world stop when they are full. I think hes right. It isnt about the foods or the work outs, its about healthy happiness. Its about making the simple right choices in small ways. A choice like having a normal portion and leaving some on the plate. A choice like walking the laundry out to the line instead of putting it in the dryer. Choices like walking to the mailbox instead of having the kids get the mail. There are a million small things that I can honestly say I put off to avoid moving. Its like when I sit on the dock instead of stand there and fish. Its like going to the park and watching while he pushes them on the swings. I think its not as complicated as we have all made it out to be; eat less, of anything, and move more, always.

In the end he will be supportive of my efforts what ever road I decide to take. He doesn't agree most days, hes proud of my resolve on others but on the whole he is supportive. Today he is picking me up Greek Yogurt cuz I asked for it. Cuz maybe Greek Yogurt is the key to my "happy" diet... :)))))

Blahhhhhhhh....

I cant seem to think. I made good food choices today, or rather almost no food choices today. I finally ate some tillapia (sp *fish) and cup of diced tomatoes around 4:30pm. I did 30 minutes of step aerobics... its all I was in the mood for.

I did something out of character for me today though. Stepped out of my comfort zone so to speak. I let my son record me in a dress that I bought on purpose too small for when I lose weight. Its tight on me now. OMGaaaawwwddddd did I look like a horrific cow. I dont know if watching that was a good thing or a bad thing. No, I'm not subjecting any other viewers to it :)))) It makes me feel drastic. It makes me feel disgusted. It makes me feel a lil panicked. I didnt eat all day today until this afternoon and I only did that cuz I thought I had to. I honestly dont want to ever have to eat again.

I dont know what this mood is all about. Maybe its my baby turning 1 in the next week and a half and the realization that I am not having any more children is really sinking in. I need a  change. I need me to change.

Just Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay...

This song I swear is the story of my life ... you know the one ... 'Just sittin' on the dock of the bay wasting time....'  When did this happen? When did I decide I was going to be an observer in my life instead of an active participant? WTFrick?

I have noticed this reoccurring theme. Every time I do something that I feel is for me I just freeze. I choke. I sit.... I cant explain it. Is it a fear of failure? I dont think so? Is it a fear of success? I just dont know! This isn't just with weight either, although I am noticing that most right now. Every pound I lose seems somehow to make me a nervous wreck... like Ill actually become human or something and ohhhh I dont know be expected to participate? Live? Be present in my life and wholly present in the lives of those around me. So I retreat, and my weight regains. I sit my fat arse right on the dock.

Uhhhhgggggg.... I have to snap back, I have to just do this thing! I can be whom ever I choose to be, so why do I choose to be the least of my possibilities? I did this before. I lost 127 lbs in 7 months for petes sake I can do this, I know it can be done because Ive done it; and yet.... here I sit. On the sidelines. On the couch. On the dock.

How can I get more accountable? How can I be more motivated? How can I put me on project status? I have a really close friend who is my mentor in life. She doesn't have a weight problem but her hubby and she are my best friends (my hubbys best friends too) our mentors, our spiritual teachers, our go to folk on everything I swear. Any how I was over at her place yesterday and we were in her gardens, she has fabulous gardens, and I was getting some of her plants to plant at my house. I have a brown thumb. I told her I was nervous but i had been "reading up" on it. She said "Put down the books. You can read about things all day long, your not really going to learn about anything unless you just do it."

'Bout sums it up... I spose life really is just one big Nike commercial... if I wanna get my fat butt of the dock I gotta just do it.

My Sticky Sweet Hubby and His sticky Caramel Buns... oops I Mean Rolls

This is me... this is what I do. I create and create unfortunately my canvas is the kitchen. I came up with hands down the best of the best of my caramel frosting/icing recipes today much to hubby and kids delight. Much to my chagrine :(

I am not going to stop being me... baking, sewing, cooking, creating, crafting, mothering... feeding my troops just because I have an eating problem. I am going to have to figure out how to live side by side with it. I dont have to eat it all just because its there. This one was my sticky caramel cinnomon roll.

My 4 year old son enjoying his portion ... gosh I love that sticky lil smirk.

And then heres hubby, on his day off enjoying that which he requested this morning. Ummmm yeah... thats just for him.... Its kinda hard with all of them around me but I did a remarkable thing today. I only had one. As addicting as they are and OMGaaaaawwwwddddd was that frosting the best thats ever come outta this kitchen I only had one. Not typically me. Maybe something is changin'...





Here is my hubby... not an ounce on him ... grrrrrrrrrr.... So today's challenge for me didn't end up being exercise or weight issues at all. The challenge was in finding the balance with who I really am, and who I envision myself to be. The two aren't exclusive.

I literally hooked this guy on our first date by baking two pies (one for after dinner as dessert and one to take home so my name would quite literally be on the tip of his tongue ;) and making him a home cooked meal instead as tradition would dictate he taking me out to eat. Restaurants are over rated. He purposed in less than a month, Ive been cooking for him ever since... the rest is history.

Conflicted To Contented Homemaker

Just received my copy of The Art Of Homemaking by Daryl V. Hoole and love it is an understatement. This book is an oldie but goodie in my opinion. It is a reprint of the book first printed in 1967 and again in 1973.

Its no secret that although I am smack dab here in the 2000's I really have the heart of a generation past. A time when roles were more clearly defined and simplicity was the rule. I know, I know it just isn't politically correct for me to say it out loud that Id rather be in the kitchen, cuz I really honestly do think its my place. *can almost feel my white collar liberal mother cringe as I type, I love you mommy :)*

What does this have to do with diet and fitness you might ask? Well, as stated in the first chapter, a whole lot! ..."An ideal homemaker is lovely to look at and lovely to be around-she has a wholesome attitude and a pleasing appearance. She has the courage to be happy and strives to live above the grievous faults of moodiness, sulkiness, and complaining. She is gracious and thoughtful..."

Doyle also goes on to say that attitude is a major player in how we view our jobs as housewives, and I would assume those jobs outside of the home as well. She said this, "Attitude begins with Gratitude." Look for what you are thankful for and your attitude about things will begin to change. Example? Pile of dirty dishes.... one thought is "Ohhh man not again! Why do I always have to do the dishes?"  or Gratitude? "We are blessed to have enough food to have a meal, when we know it to be true so many others have none."

Keeping myself "up" physically and emotionally as my mates spouse should be a priority to me. My hubby works so very hard, 2 jobs in fact, to make sure I have enough dishes, enough food, even just a house to clean at all. An attitude of gratitude about my workouts might just change the way I veiw them. I am healthy enough at all to use my body is one thing I am thankful for. One thing I shouldnt take for granted. When Im pouting over some lil food craving I can be more thankful that I have been given the healthy choices I have as I know so many people in our country cannot afford fresh fruits and vegetables.

I have been following this blog of another homemaker, Dirty Little Secrets, and watching her transform her house into a home. She uses this book as her jumping off point and daily reference guide. Like me she has a large number of people who depend on her and a hubby as a helpmate. To a lot of people I would suppose it seems silly or out dated. I was raised being told I should "want more" and "you can be anything" although Ill be honest I never really understood what that meant. How could there be anything more than wonderful than caring for those whom you love?

I think its time for me to stop going through the motions in life. This really means making the move from housekeeper to homemaker, and there is a huge difference between the two believe me. It also means moving from just being in my body to really living within my self. It means changing my attitude and it means finding more gratitude so that I can truly honor who it is I was really meant to be. Fitness isn't just physical, its the endurance also to take on life in all its varied aspects after all its the most important marathon we'll ever run.

The Calm After The Storm

I dont know what the heck happened to me yesterday but today all is well on the upper Midwestern front. I feel soooo bad I didn't get my exercise in yesterday for the Twon Challenge :( I was going to do it last night after the baby laid down but she pulled another crabby almost all niter. So much so I came down to the living room with her just so poor hubby could get a few hours sleep before work today. I dont know who these teeth are hurting more :P

At any rate I got up this morning an saw hubby off to work and baby Lilly was sleeping, tuckered out from her teething and I took advantage of the relative calm. I got in an hour of step aerobics and accomplished over 6000 steps! I am planning on giving it another hour tonight if baby cooperates with the whole bedtime plan ;)

My eating has been right where I want it thus far. This morning I had green tea and yogurt with almonds for breakfast and for lunch I had mixed cauliflower and broccoli steamed with some grilled Tilapia (spelling?) and yogurt, no almonds. Been chugging the water as I go about cleaning the house. I'm feelin fine and I still dont know what the heck happened yesterday.

I have to say, I confessed to my hubby right away when he came home. I expected him to be disappointed or something. He wasn't, he was very supportive. He said just to forget about it and since it was over and done with there was no need fretting over it. He hugged me and told me he is proud of me... that right there was enough incentive to make him proud again today :) Goodness I love that guy ...

Black Wednsday

Im sooooooo disappointed in my self. OMGoodness what a crap stick day this has been. How could I be so high yesterday and soooooo very low today?!? I had my awesome weigh in and then I ate like an outta control piglet at an all you can eat hog trough this morning and afternoon. No particular reason that I can think of. It was really just sort of a spiral :(

This morning I wasn't feeling the best again because Lilly the 11 month old was up nearly all night with her teeth bothering her. I am old. Have I really stated this loud enough? I AM OLD... :))) There is a reason why women are most fertile in their 20s ... it's because that's when they can stay awake long enough to care for them :P *nods off while typing...*

So this morning as bushed as I was I didn't jump right to my fitness... I sat. I sat and started out good. Green Tea and yogurt with some almonds at first. Then it was lunch time and it all started falling apart. I hadn't exercised at this point mind you. I fixed left over bow tie pasta with Alfredo sauce (so sinful the way I make it) for my son and I was going to heat up and eat the stuffed Anaheim chilies I had prepared the day before. I put cheese on them. Dont ask me why, but I put a lot of cheese on them. I ate them both after he turned his nose up at his. After the cheese and pasta it was all down hill. I sat and ate a whole huge container of yogurt with almonds. Next up a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. Then I polished off the rest of my fruit platter... about a cup and a half of mixed melons.

I'm not eating dinner tonight. I have sort of a two fold idea of what went wrong today. Firstly and most importantly I didn't exercise this morning and I sat and watched two whole movies! I dont watch much in terms of TV or movies. Maybe some sort of program every other day if that and all we have is Netflix because of my belief that TV can suck up so very much of ones life and there I sat and there I sucked. By the time I had all of that in my gut I was am feeling sluggish and hungover and crappy. Like a drunk coming off a bad night. So exercising I am not.

Secondly I have found something peculiar about myself. I already knew that pasta makes me go crazy so I have stayed away from it entirely. I didn't know how ever I would feel this way with brown rice. After all isn't it sposed to be healthy? Every time I eat it I fight over eating urges. I'm thinking I'm going to have to nix the brown rice :(

How am I going to course correct? Well a famous man once said "An object at rest remains at rest..." I am no such object. When I wake up tomorrow I am hitting my exercise. It keeps me in motion, my progress in motion and that same smart man said "An object in motion remains in motion..." I got this... I'm round... watch me roll baby... ;)

Have you found any "Healthy" foods that you have to keep away from?

Tuesday Weigh In.... Big Smiles for Ms. Mii

So I was pleased today at weigh in :) 6.8 lbs down since last week! I have not been able to exercise all week and actually today was my first day back at it. This morning I did an hour of step aerobics and some of my Biggest Loser Wii work out. I know now that I'm able to be back on my feet I can kick some booty outta this blubber in the coming few weeks. I guess Ill just have to have faith that even on that week where I cant exercise if I eat right (for the most part, I swear it was only a wee lil of my homemade ice cream :P) the weight will come off anyhow.

This week my fitness goals are going to be working on Twons Challenge, and sticking strictly to my diet. I dont count calories as much as I suppose I should, but I do pay very close attention to portion size and what a correct portion of my healthy foods is. I know what the calories are of each food so I can have sort of a  rough guesstimate of what each meal is but I am trying to stay away from obsessing about my calories. My theory on this is that eventually I wont be on a weight loss diet. I will be just living. I want to instinctively know when and how much to eat and so far its working for me. I can feel that my stomach is now smaller (on the inside I mean in its capacity to hold a lot) and instead of pushing that to the over full uff-da feeling I stop.

Happy happy girl today :)

*side note it was so cute! So i went to take my shower after I did my workout and my Wii board was still on the floor. Lil Lilly-the 11 month old- decided to work out and when I came back down (her older brother was watching her while I cleaned up) she was on the Wii board with the controller in her hand trying to get the Wii Fit to go. She was soooooo cute! I guess what it is our lil ones see us do, really is what they are going to end up doing for the most part even in terms of fitness.*

What habits for the good have rubbed off on your friends or family since you've started your quest to become a fitter you?

My Seven Gifts...

My seven blessings are pictured here. I have been mothering roughly half of my life and the newness and joy of it never seems to fade. From my 18 year old to my 11 month old each of them the greatest gift, each of their smiles I have stored up in a mothers memory.

When I think of Mothers Day I am brought back to the moment I knew I was to be expecting each of them. I can recall the emotions I felt each time, the circumstances in which they came to be and the anticipation of awaiting their arrival. My heart is full of these special moments. He walked at 10 1/2 months, she got her first tooth when she was 5 months, he got his first real ouchie by skinning his nose, her first words were "night night"...

I surely will never fully understand how can it be that we are so blessed as mere women to be vessels of life and holders of something so precious as the spark of a tiny spirit, the creators of tiny fingers and toes. I just want to say on this a day for mothers, thank you my babies for letting me be yours.

Brrrrrr....

Does shivering count as exercise? It snowed about 4  1/2 inches yesterday by the time it all was said and done here in northern Minnesota. I didnt go shopping so I didnt get my shoes! So bummed about that :( We live so far away from civilization that we only make it to town 1 time a week and thats on Fridays, well needless to say because of yesterdays springtime snow storm we didnt go. I think it might be faster if I just order them off the internet as I do with so many other things.

Crazy as the weather is it was snowing to beat the band all day yesterday and its going to be almost 60* today... almost a 40* difference over night. At least I will have nice weather to resume my work outs on Monday.

Im going to up the anti in terms of my time devoted to exercise, feeling like a slacker compared to many of you who put in so much time. I am going to decide later this weekend exactly what Ill be doing this upcoming week. I have set a mini fitness goal. I want to be starting the Couch 2 5k program by July. I need to step up my weight loss and fitness level by then.

Stay warm all :) Keep on keepin on :)

*My 4 year old son and his snow ball... my poor raspberry bramble is getting covered in snow in the back ground! Uhhhhhh*

Yeah, Its Not Official But.... YEAH!!!

So we all know from my last lil TMI post on weigh in day I am having some difficulties that cant be avoided this week... grrrr. Well only 2 days later I am down 1.3 lbs more! Mind you I have sat on my rather ample tush during this whole time as is Dr.'s orders for the problem previously described in said TMI post :P It raises some very interesting things in terms of weight loss and being a woman.

We all know there's bloating. We all know there are legitimate cravings and mood swings that range from slightly inconvenient to my poor hubby acting like Gandalf protecting all from the fire and shadow demon as he says "Run you fools!". We women are subject to a pretty sever hormonal slap each and every single month. Not within our control, and unavoidable. How does this play into our diet, our exercise and our over all enthusiasm about the process? I dunno, but I'm gonna try to figure it out, at least me out, so that in the months ahead I am not derailing myself by my own body's biological sabotage.

I am encouraged to see the scale move this morning with less than nada effort. This indeed says to me there is something besides what I am doing in a physical way to myself during these 10 or so days that plays a part. But to what extent? I have started having my son do some herbal research into the matter. So far he hasn't got the right stuff for my TMI problem just growing about around here (although there is several herbal concoctions for that as well!) but he has come up with something interesting for the bloat. I'm going to give it a whirl today. Dandelion leaves. Apparently a great tea used for water retention at "that time" for women.

So being aware of this thanks to charting on the Wii, gotta love graphs!, and just being more conscious of my body has made a big difference this month. Maybe not physically, but I dont feel so out of control emotionally. Seeing  how quickly things can change back to normal has been a boost. I dont feel like everything Ive done has been for nothing and I am starting all over.

I used to always feel like I was in this big circle just repeating my self each month. I know if I keep it under control at this time, than even though there are some things I cant alleviate, all my hard work isn't for naught.I do know that my better eating choices have made me feel a little physically and a lot emotionally better this time. That's a HUGE plus and I think when my body returns to normal it will show its self even more in the scales.

Off to drink my tea!

Weights or Resistance Bands?

*I feel the need to say, not my photo.*

New to this whole exercise thing I need some advice. I know I need to do some type of toning/muscle building because they say muscle burns more resting than does fat right? Not to mention doesn't jiggle nearly as much and I could really use some help with jiggle control.

Question(s) is(are) can I build muscle using resistance bands? Do I have to invest in a bunch of weights? What is the difference between the two unless I'm trying to bulk up like Schwarzenegger? Is weights something I should work up to? When do I introduce this when I'm so obese? Will I end up gaining instead of losing right away? Should I wait to this until I am more settled in a work out routine?

What is it you guys do for weight/resistance training? What did you do when you started?

My Heroes....

As long as I can remember June Cleaver has been my hero. I know, I know not very forward thinking of me. I suppose not at all the "Wonder Woman" image a child born in the midst of the feminism movement my mother would have hoped Id have looked up to as perfection; but she is infact, my ideal, none the less.

Around the age of 13 my mother rented the movie Gone With The Wind and we sat and watched it together and another hero emerged. The famous, or rather infamous Scarlett O'hara. She was beautiful, spunky, and fierce...

More recently I have to admit I have been smitten with who I think is the PERFECT combo of the two, my June Cleaver with a Twist, Bree Van De Kamp. She can wield a shot gun while throwing a dinner party, bake the perfect pie and turn that same domestic flare into a business all her own. I adore this woman.

Yes people, I know these are fictional characters and I am well aware that they are some sort of ideal of what ever character they were enacted to portray. But art often imitates life, even if exaggerated, or vise verse`. The one thing I have noticed about my particular heroes other than they are all female is their strong ability to take care of others, yes even bratty Miss Scarlett, and not seem to lose themselves in the process. Something I admire greatly in people whether they be fictional or of the flesh and bone variety :)

When you become a mother, or a father, putting things like physical appearance and health sometimes often times go on the back burner. I think its time it goes back over the flame. I think for me it needs to come to a rapid boil. Putting yourself in any area first as a parent is a tricky thing. Just saying that makes me cringe, literally! I'm thinking, what are people thinking if I say that or dare do that? How selfish does that sound? Well, heres my new answer...

I think it sounds no more selfish than me eating so dang much that I cant do the things my family wants me to in the first place. I can take the time to fix me because it cant be any more hurtful than stealing away all this time that I have been fat, robbing them and myself of the opportunity to have so many wonderful experiences. Time to take time for me. What a novel idea.

Taking care of yourself, while being the primary care giver of others I think has always been a struggle for women. Perhaps that's why characters such as these ladies exist. Some sort of projection of the feminine ideals that we hold true but indeed find ourselves lacking is one cause of attraction to such iconic females. Oh fiddledee...

Time to take a cue from three of my favorite ladies. From June I will try to model modesty, gentleness and kindness. From Scarlett I tuck away inside myself her fire, passion and spark. The gift Bree can share is that of the value of striving to be the best you can, even if you cant be perfect, and to do it with style and strength. I'm gonna work on me, inside and out, and in doing so that will be the greatest care I can ever give to those I love.

Who are your heroes? Real or imagined?

Apple Blossoms And A Smile :)

Just thought Id share the beautiful apple blossoms that are peeking through on my apple trees :) Not many people know this, but Sean (hubby) and I are embarking on our life long dream this summer... we begin homesteading :)

A big part of who I have become over the last year and a half in my inner growth has been on the part of sustainable self sufficiency for my children and I. I have always said I have the single most tollerant hubby in the world. I mean litterally this man would rope me the moon some how, some way if I asked for it, and beleive me I have asked the poor guy for far too much.

We have 7 acres on a lake, surrounded by state land in the northern woods of Minnesota. We moved here to live out our dream for us, for our family. Were going to over the next five years try to get as off the grid and self sufficient as we can. I home school one of my children now, another had graduated and I plan on pulling the rest for the upcoming school season.

So I know this isnt a weight related thing but I hope you dont mind. Its spring here and a private school brat and a born and raised New Jersey boy are gonna give this thing a whirl. Spring kicks this off. Spring has kicked off my panic about losing this weight. Being self sufficient is hard work and I need to be there as a help mate to my hubby. Hes carried the physical burdens of our family on his own shoulders long enough.

You'll probably be hearing of our misadventures as we learn how to do this. If you have any ideas Id love to hear them. Were in the dark here, well almost :P Wishing you all a blessed day :)

Tuesday Weigh In....

My weight went all over the place this past week... note the huge 4 lb gain right there in the middle? Was not happy about that :( Over all I did lose (not much) and I did make my first weight loss goal of 25 lbs lost so far. 25.1 to be exact :)))) So even thoough I knocked off that 4 lb spike I still only had a pathetic 0.5 lbs loss over all.

Things I think that went wrong for me this week when I look back were some issues I dont think I can help and some that I did have in my power to control. I had PMS last week which means water retension for me (not within my control) and cravings that I gave into on occasion (soooo within my control) and Im kicking myself for that now.

Another issue is exercise and will continue to be an even bigger issue this week. Last week I was on a hot streak until the weekend. I felt set back a bit by the whole shoe thing on Wednsday as we live 45 minutes from the nearest pace to get any shoes so they have to wait until our regular shopping day which is this Friday. I did do My Biggest Loser workout for the Wii in which I dont need any shoes, but then slacked on the weekend when I began to start feeling sick and icky. Mistake. Shoulda worked through it.

The bigger challenge this week is going to be any form of exercise at all :( Yes I know TMI moment here but when 'that time' comes (ladies you know what Im sayin) I cant do any physical work. I mean not even lifting a laundry basket full of wet clothes. When I had the two miscarriages before the birth of my seventh child I developed a bleeding problem and I am virtually on total rest during this week. It sucks but trust me when I say its better than hemorrhaging since the nearest ER is also 45 minutes away. So here I sit. If I just maintain during this week I will be a very, very happy girl.

All in all I think there were a lot of things I did right this week in terms of food choices and exercise, but again in retrospect I have some areas I can definitely work on.

So I Just Gotta Know... Is This a Girl Thing???

What the holy heck is all I can keep sayin.... Is this a girl thing or do guys do this too? The 'thing' I'm talkin about is this overly bitchy back stabby weird jealous thing that women get. Well a lot of women get and for the LIFE of me I cannot figure out why the biggest 'tearer' down of a woman is often OTHER WOMEN!!!!!.

I'm huge, but I'm stickin to it... I'm a whale of a woman but Ive got a lil less blubber than a month ago. I'm trying desperately to change my life, my whole being and its not easy. Its hard. It sucks and at times I want to give up. At times I don't really think I'm gonna make it. Point? When I started this journey I didnt have a blog. When I started this weight loss battle I needed the shoulders of my friends, I still do. But I got none :( So I started to write. And it made it better when I began to read all of you fellow weight loss fighters words out there in Bloggerland and beyond. I found a shoulder here in cyber space. Encouragement in all your posts about how you all were fighting this same fight. I'm so very happy for each success and my heart hurts when I read of your struggles. Ive been there, I can relate and its not a great spot to be in.

I don't understand what happens to us women. If a woman has success in her battle, especially a physical one, whether weight, money or relationship, it seems women can get very snipe-ish. I haven't pushed any of my friends in my direction. They at times have said they wanted to do it too and then treated me like the food police. People I dont care what you eat... I cant control my own mouth how am I going to control yours? Phone calls became few to none. Support, non existent. What the Heck????

Another female friend of mine had the gastric. Im so proud of her, shes lost over 60 lbs. She is battling the same thing. Female friends that don't speak to her any more. Friends not calling. Her best friend for over 20 years is avoiding her. No its not because she thinks she looks hot and is flaunting it... shes lost 60 lbs and still wont wear anything but huge mens sweatshirts because she still thinks she looks huge. Shes not flaunting it at all... shes just smaller. And so as she has changed so have they.

This is really sad. One of the worst traits about being a woman. We do it all the time. I cant tell you how many posts I read on my hubbys Face Book after the Academy Awards on how Sarah J Parker looks like crap and this one or that one looks fat. Really? really? I bet most of them were sitting in their sweat pants eating cheezy poofs while analyzing J Los ass. But Im ranting. I know it. Ill stop it... still fuming, but calmer.

Thanks for letting me blab it all out here. Thanks for being my cyber shoulder. thanks for not leaving me alone with my fears and my doubts and my huge fat arse! I just GOTTA know guys (and gals) out there.... is this just a chick thing? Do guys get all bent and jealous over dumb stupid crap too? Cuz I gotta tell ya, I did not see one post on hubbys FBook about Brad Pitts ass in his jeans coming from some guy, and I doubt I ever will.

Have any of you experienced strange friendship/relationship problems since getting healthier? How did you handle it?

My Carrot Tomorrow , Rewards Today...

 I think everyone has a carrot. That one thing they would love as their "super" reward when they reach goal. New clothes for some, vacation for others, tummy tucks for a few. Now I know, losing 100 lbs and gaining so much in terms of health and mobility is a huge reward in and of its self; but I cant be the only one here with some other incentive. I'll get to that in a wee lil minute...



When I wrote yesterdays post I began to think of the things I have missed over the last couple of years. Not just personal things that would have benefited me, but opportunities that would have helped out our family. Business opportunities. I can honestly say that on a weekly basis I have some one ask me to shoot them. No, not put them out of their misery but photograph them. Photography has been my passion for some years now.

I have shied away not because I am not confidant in my ability, but because I am just all around not confident in myself. I wonder if I would have seized these chances and just gone with it if it could have really gone somewhere. Yesterday I made a firm resolve to stop wondering.





Here's the carrot. I only have a point and shoot. This year my hubby was going to buy me my dream camera, but I stopped him. He had it ordered, and I canceled it. Not because I didn't want it, but because I knew in my heart I wouldn't really get out there. I have always said to friends and family that I turn down these requests because I don't have a nice enough camera for the shots... ohhhh but if I did, what then would be my excuse?

So there it is; the carrot. My camera. I am worth it, and I do deserve it. For every pound I lose $10.00 goes into the camera fund. For every pound I lose I'm building up a savings for my dream. When I'm done with this 100 lbs. Ill have ALL the tools I need to succeed and the confidence I am lacking to make my dreams come true. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to take risks or work on it now.

I went out yesterday, point-n-shoot in hand and shot some photos of my daughter in preparation for a friend I actually got up the nerve to say "Yes" to. Her twins are graduating, a boy and a girl, and she wants me to take their pictures. I'm scared as hell at the thought. I haven't shot for anyone else in a long time. I have a million reasons why I feel this way and all of them could justify a really weak excuse for saying "no". I am embarrassed to get up and down off my knees and I even at times am on my belly. I don't feel like I have the 'right' tools for the job, mentally or physically.

But you know what? This woman knows me. She knows the tools I have, she knows my limitations. I don't have to have an over abundance of confidence right now. I'm building it, I'm depositing this experience in my mental savings just like the money for the physical pounds I'm losing. and I will be richer for it. Someday when I really need it I can cash it in.

What are your 'carrots'?

The Early Bird Gets The Worm

Was thinking on what that really means; The early bird gets the worm. I think it means a lot of things and all of them are pretty relevant to me at the moment. It means of course acting fast so as not to miss an opportunity. It means getting it done now, rather than later, to reach your goal. Thirdly for me it means without effort, you will be left hungry. Hungry for the first two.

I think about all the opportunities I have missed in the past few years that are directly related to being a late bird in terms of  my health. Passing up chances to have a healthier lifestyle I have passed up on some great opportunities for not only myself but my family. Being obese means a great deal of things that go beyond thunder thighs and flapping fupas. It means anxiety. It means opting out. It means saying no while inside I am screaming yes.

Being fat leads to my procrastination. I put off activities that I know are going to be uncomfortable, whether that means spiritually, mentally or physically. I stall on house work that will hurt such as scrubbing floors on my hands and knees. All that weight square on my patellas is a frighteningly painful thought. I have turned down many business opportunities with photography because of the same fear not to mention the social anxiety in working professionally in an industry all about capturing beauty.

I effect not just myself when I wait until the last minute to get ready to go any where because mentally I have so much anxiety about getting out there, in the scary 'normal sized' world that I many times suffer panic attacks. What if when I get there the chairs are those flimsy folding kind? What if we have to sit in a booth? What if, what if, and so on and so on...

The worst one is that I am delaying my spiritual growth because of my girth. So sad, so true. I know God loves me where I am, I also know that when I don't honor the body He gave me it causes me shame. If there is no sin worse than any other, then an adulterer is the same as a glutton, and boy am I a glutton. If I know it He knows it. If it shames me it saddens Him. But, Im gettin' there...

Finally I am beginning to see the real connections between me and the bird. I can connect those dots more clearly and the line leads right to that illusive worm. All of the things I have ever wanted my life to be can be because all the tools I have ever needed have been already given to me if Id just wake up early and use them. I just have to trust my wings are strong enough to carry me where I need to go. I have to believe in my capability to fly. No matter how heavy I feel today I know I can rise above it all... and so can you :)

Bleeding Heart

Just thought Id share on this May Day a touch of beauty from my garden to you. This is a Bleeding Heart and rightfully named so. Its flowers are bright pink heart shaped and simply a delight to look at. A gentle reminder to love, be loved and enjoy the day...
Happy May Day :)

Ended on a Promising Note...

Last night we were out grilling in the rain, jumbo franks for hubby and the kids and a turkey burger for me, and in the breaking clouds we were blessed with this rainbow.

I'm and impatient person. This whole lifestyle change is in its fragile infancy for me, being only 30 days old. My logical brain knows my progress is on track. I am losing steadily and my exercise program is despite its bumps and jags and moans and groans coming along as I strive to move my body farther and faster. Yet it bares repeating again, I am an impatient person.

I step on the scale far too much and am disappointed if after I eat there is even the slightest fluctuation. I look at my rolls of flub in a self loathing I cant seem to shake, or at least replace with a gentler, softer acceptance of myself. I irrationally think after 30 days of being "good" all of this I have done to myself should just "go away" and I am discouraged when it hasn't. I am a work in progress. Overhauling the outside seems to me at least easier than changing the inside but I recognize that the two are not exclusive.

I often listen to a Sister Hazel song when I'm feeling blue or need a boost. The song is Change Your Mind and the words go somethin' like this... If you wanna be somebody else, if your tired of fighting battles with yourself, if you wanna be somebody else; Change your Mind... If I don't put as much effort in correcting habits, patterns and thoughts that lead me to this point it doesn't matter how successful I am at losing the physical weight. I will, without correction or exception, walk again down the same path to obesity.

The last day of April ended at our house with a promise. A promise to myself that I know Ill keep. Its a promise to be kinder, a resolve to be the best me I can and a vow to have patience with the process.

How have you worked at Changing Your Mind?