Rain, Rain, Go Away...

Yeah, its raining. I get in a funk when it stays gray out for a long time. Were on our second day and I am surprised my mood hasn't changed for the worse. When its cold and wet and yucky I usually want to snuggle up with my knitting and some comfort goodies of the warm and oohey gooey variety. Not so this time. Today I don't feel bad, however I am feeling another strange feeling. For the second day in a row I'm actually missing my walk... and that bums me out.

I have never liked exercise. NEVER. Period. What is this new found love for it that I have? I have been doing my walking and belly dance faithfully and yesterday (because of my foot and the rain) I substituted walking for The Biggest Loser workout on my Wii, which I loved by the way :) I wanted more. What???  Strange, very strange indeed.

Today I am going to do the Wii again and my Bollywood Dance DVD and look like a major fool hopping about with all sorts of jiggling parts (and sooooo NOT in a sexy way jiggling) in front of my honey.  I hope he doesn't eat directly before he witnesses my grand display of the massively unfit and overly large. I wouldn't want him to suffer ill digestion at my expense. The point here is I think this whole fitness thing may have actually sunk in. I mean really the only sweat Id ever let any other human see me break would be when I'm pushin out another baby, and I'm modest even then!

At any rate Im gonna ride this wave of feeling the git up and go before it passes. And hey, with today being hubby's day off its a good thing about the rain, cuz that just means Im stuck inside with the best snuggle mate on the planet :)

Hummmm... do you exercise in front of your significant other?

I'm In Love... Or At The Very Least Awe

I was doing my usual early morning thing, waiting on the baby to wake and having my green tea while I check out up dates from bloggers I follow, and scoping out new ones that catch my eye when it happened. I stumbled across a blog many of you prolly already know about but I LOVE it! It has everything I could ever ask for in my quest for fitness.

Trainer Mama had me hooked from the first paragraph. I am in love with the information, how its put together, the pictures, the food, the recipes... for me it has it all. It was like discovering something I had been looking for that clicked. Earlier on this month in my new lifestyle change I was reading Susan Powters book The Politics of Stupid and although I love the information and I think Susan is dead on with what shes saying, I just *cringe* dont really like her... ummmm... delivery? Or attitude or something.

Any how, while I clicked with Susans philosophy I didn't feel like she was  a good fit for me in the way I would like. I am a person who gets slightly obsessed with something I am focusing on. Ok a lil more than slightly. I love information and tons of it. I read everything I can and enjoy seeking out whats going to best work. I am also a person who needs upbeat and inspiring people to keep my momentum up when I feel less than inspired myself. I think this is what attracts me to the "Blogger" world; the opportunity to read such meaningful articles and posts by people has on more than one occasion gotten my fat rump outta my chair to get fit.

Trainer Mama was an ah-ha! site for me. Like shes the big sister in my fitness family. The sister you always strive to be more like :) Its like the site walks with me hand in hand, showing me cool new exercise things I may not have thought about but would have a blast doing, i.e. weighted Hula Hooping! And what fun for the kids as well! I am hooked on seeing what she eats everyday. I mean every day. We get to see what it is and she provides pictures and recipes! At any rate I hope if you havent dropped by this site you might just go take a peek :) I LOVE IT!!!

Ok, enough raving I'm getting my fat booty up and going to do the Biggest Loser work out game for my Wii. Due to my ouchie foot from yesterday and the fact its raining hard out I am stuck indoors attempting to break a sweat. I haven't tried the B/L workout game yet, Ive watched it, haven't tried it and I'm thinking Jillians going to make me cry.

What are your favorite weight loss blogs/sites?

*goes out singing "Big Girls Don't Cry..."...*

Blood, Sweat and Tears....

Ok first with the blood, ewwww... my feet were hurting really bad when I put on my lil shoes to go for my walk today, but I did it any way. About a 1/2 mile into my walk I began to bleed but youd be proud I didnt miss a beat and I kept right on truckin', all of my steps aerobic :) Yeah!!!!

I know what your thinking "How dumb is she to wear such impractical shoes to work out?" Im not dumb, no really I swear Im not... I just dont have anything else other than heels. And by heels I dont even mean normal heels, mine are all 3 and a 1/4 or higher. This brings me to this pair, and my conundrum. I have no idea what kind of shoes to buy. Dear God did that sentence actually leave my lips? I have never been at a loss for shoes, but folks, I am now!

So I am begging for help from you seasoned work out people. I am seeking your shoe guidance so my poor feet aren't bleeding every time I go walking. I want something supportive, something cute? and something that isn't a car payment. Any ideas?

 Here are my aerobic steps for today on my walk ... yes, I work up a stinking sweat out there being this fat! *You may have noticed in my foot picture, I am prolly the only woman in America that wears fabulous dresses while working out... :))))))) Another oddity about me, I dont own pants, I will never own pants... didn't when I was thin and certainly not when Im fat. This should get interesting when I start my running program... :)

And here were the tears... I went further than I did yesterday! I walked right on past my turn point, foot bleeding and all, and did a smidgen more. When I came back to my driveway and looked up at the huge hill my house sits atop I felt like Rocky pushing hard to get up the last little bit. When I was at the top I felt great... like I had achieved, I dunno, but I achieved.

Tuesday Weigh In :)

So today is weigh in day and despite my bloating and PMS problems this week I am down 2.2 lbs!!!!!! Yeah! That brings the grand total to 24.6 lbs lost :) I am 6 tenths away from my first goal of 25 lbs :) As you can see from my Wii graph, yesterday I was down .2lbs more than I am today and I was good as gold on my diet and exercise yesterday. I dunno, maybe like I said, water or something ... 

So excited.... the numbers are still huge, but they are getting smaller every day!

I Did It!!!! Reaching My First Mini Goal :)

Today I did it! I reached my first 'mini goal' for exercise :) I went the full 2 miles I have been striving for this morning, full out and all of my steps aerobic according to my handy dandy pedometer! I know 2 miles may not seem huge to many of you, but for me this was so very exciting! I think the most exciting part wasnt walking the 2 miles, it was reaching the goal :)

Our dirt road is a long and hilly winding one and just within the mile (1 mile there, 1 mile back) there are not one or two but FOUR hills. This doesn't include the giant hill my house sits on that I have to hoof it back up once I reach my driveway. Those hills really kick my booty being as big as I am. Just as you get to the bottom of one another begins to spring up. Its a nice work out and my calves are feeling it :)

The picture to the right is prolly the closest thing to a full body shot any one any where will ever capture of me. I am more elusive than big foot when it comes to photographic evidence of my actual existence. I took it this morning because it dawned on me as I started out of my driveway, that its almost like i am walking with myself each morning... the sun is at my back and its me and my shadow, alone breathing heavy coaxing myself along with only the sounds of the occasional drumming grouse or Blue Jay squawking.

When I get to my destination, at the end of my long walk I turn with sun now in my face I begin again home and I feel good... its like I'm leaving my fat self right there. I'm doin' this, I'm really doin' this....

It's Not So Bad...

So confession time; 3 sugar cookies, 1/2 bowl of chocolate pudding (made with real heavy whipping cream) and some homemade Heath candy bar ice cream. Yes, I snapped out of my PMS induced delirium this morning. Ohhhh not because I wanted to but because I had to. Tuesday is coming and that's weigh in day for me. I WAS NOT going to have a gain on that scale!

I thought about it and thought about it finally coming in the end to this single conclusion. Satisfying my 'craving' just isn't worth how I would feel about myself if I saw an actual gain on the scale. This morning I got up, got dressed, went outside and began to walk. I walked past my usual turn around spot and when I had returned home I found that I had done it in TWO less minutes! I still am on a high! It felt way better than the chocolate pudding. It was a much sweeter reward than the sugar cookies. Much cooler than the homemade Heath ice cream.

So now I'm gonna go rock my Belly dance video. I'm not scared of weigh in tomorrow, I am doing my best today :)

Sunday... My day of Rest

So I made 60 of these lovely sugar cookies this morning in my PMS haze. I ate 3. I know, I know but cant I have one blessed day of diet rest ? :) I know I will regret it. I have been fighting these cravings really hard the last few days and well this morning I thought 'just one' wouldnt hurt; three later I thought the first one tasted really good :)))))

So its back to the grind tomorrow. I got a couple of new work out DVDs as I hate to say it I am getting sooooo bored with the stepping on my Wii. I have been having really bad back pain when I work out. Not an 'injury' type back pain but more of an 'OMGosh -I-haven't-used-any-muscles-in -sooo-long' sort of back pain. My sedentary lifestyle combined with all of those months on bed rest has left me with a very weak stomach and back. So to combat this I decided to work on my core, build it up, make it stronger so that I don't dread working out as much. Sucks to even begin the steps on the Wii when I know within a few minutes I am going to be almost crying :(

Don't laugh, but I picked Belly Dancing and Bollywood Dance for my core strengthening work out. Yes, I know I'm huge. Yes I know my belly just isn't quite there and NO I don't wear finger symbols or the hip scarves... :))))) Can I just say even though it looks like they aren't really doing anything WOW! OUCH! YIKES! I worked muscles I never knew I had and it was actually fun! I didn't think I would ever say that about a "workout". It was FUN! I laughed and sweated who'd a thunk it? I also had a great time doing this with my daughters, another bonus :) And, when I finally lose this blubber I cant wait to do this for the hubby...double bonus ;)

I'm gonna work really hard over these next couple of days until Tuesdays weigh in. I hope my debauchery doesn't show up in a  gain for this week :( For the rest of the day I will behave, I'm not going to let my cookie monster get to me and ruin my whole day :)

Holy Half a Cow Batman.... Shes Bingeing!

Ok how can things change soooo drastically in less than 24 hours? I am STARVING!!!!!!!! I mean the lil PMS devil has got me :( I want to eat... I am eating and so far I have made ok choices, prolly too much of even the 'safe' stuff but I am still hungry :(

How do the ladies out there handle this? I want salty and sweet; I had an apple with sea salt on it. I still want salty and sweet... fresh peas with sea salt on it. Chicken breast with the hottest spiciest hot sauce I can stomach and yes, sea salt on it. Im not a heavy handed salter but its gotta be addin' up :(

I want my home made ice cream... but I'm making 0 fat frozen yogurt. I cant eat this way for the next week for Petes sake! Ive been guzzling the water, cleaned the house and did some other misc chores to keep my mind preoccupied but wow, I think this is one time where I can honestly say being a female just might be to my disadvantage.


Heeeeellllllllpppppp!!!!!!! :((((((

Supper Time ...

Relearning how to eat has really been an adventure in relearning how to cook. I am a comfort food mama. I can make the most decadent desserts, the ohhhh so heavy pastas and everything in between. This whole new cooking, well its been an adventure for sure.

Tonight my family ate pasta with homemade marinara with grilled Italian sausages and a heavy dose of Mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses for extra gooey goodness. None of them is fat. With the exception of my hubby all of them stick to one normal portion and are satisfied. Hubby loves to eat, but is in no way chunky, though after a recent job change he did for a nano second have the slightest of tummies, a few days of only eating one giant dinner instead of two and he is back to normal. Men.... grrrrr.....

I have always experienced feelings of deprivation when trying to 'diet'. Especially as I cooked. Not true now and I cant quite put my finger on it. I just know that I am not sneaking some here and there, just a taste or five for the cook doncha know :)))) I am really liking the way my food makes me feel after I eat it. Instead of feeling full, in a food coma, I feel full, but awake.... alive.

I know I should but I don't count calories as much as just take a simple inventory of my portion size. It seems to be working for me, perhaps not as quick as it would if I was adhering to a strict calorie count. At any rate I think Ill keep this way going until I need to change it.

I have found my best friend in this whole new to me cooking experience is spices and lots of them. I think I have purchased more new spices out of my spice comfort zone in the last couple of weeks than in the last year or two combined.

What kinds of meals do you make? Whats your favorite one?

Tuesday Weigh In

Well today was weigh in day and although it isnt coming off as fast as Id like, I am DOWN!!!! Yeah!!!! *dancing the chunky chicken* :)

I have been still doing my diet and exercise and I have to say even if my body image isn't what Id like it to be my mental attitude is wayyyy improving. My hubby says I seem so much different to him; happier :) I think the vitamin B12 and vitamin B Complex is a big help in that. The good ole fashioned doses of vitamin D Ive been getting from Mr. Sun has been a boost as well!

So far this brings the total weight loss to 22.4 and this weeks loss is holding at 3.4 lbs :) I'm happy with that and if I can just hold steady this next week (evil water retention time, ummmm yeah ladies you know what I mean uhhhggg) Ill be really happy.

I have been pleasantly surprised that I am not craving salty or sweet foods... I have no desire for chocolate or to consume everything in sight. I am wondering if this has to do with my new diet. I haven't been eating any sugary foods, no flour or anything like that in the past couple of weeks and so far at least *knock on wood* I haven't been haunted by the PMS demon. I become a ravenous freak consuming everything that isn't nailed down :(

So I guess this ends this weigh in week pretty good all in all ... cant wait to see what next week brings!

P.S. Thank you so much yesterday for your words of encouragement. It meant a lot to me... I was feeling grumpy and blue and it was so nice to read the thoughtful sentiments each of you left. Thanks Again :)

Grrrrr... Gosh Darn It!!!!!

I'm feelin frustrated :( I'm gettin cranky :( I'm like a five year old pouty and impatient. Why is this weight not coming off faster? Tuesdays are my weigh in day and of course I am scale obsessed and am on it every day all times of the day. Heck I even weigh myself before and after I go to the bathroom :/ Its not moving. I'm frustrated. But not put off.

I have lost a ton of weight before... before the last bajillion pregnancies :P I did it the wrong way, I did it the fast way with quick results but ohhhh so unhealthy. I am older now, wiser now and know the benefits of being persistent. Hard work pays off... Yadda, yadda, yadda!!!! *stamps foot, sticks out bottom lip in protest!*

I know its gonna take time, I know its gonna be a long haul. I didn't get this huge over night and my rational brain tells me I'm not going to escape my fat trap in the blink of an eye but gall darn it throw me a bone scale of doom! I'm not going to get compulsive today and I'm not going to throw in the towel. I just need to vent. Tomorrow is my post date for my weight, Ill wait till then to post the source of my massive frustration. Thanks guys and gals of Bloggerland for letting me have my fit.

Do you weigh every day? How do I keep my ample butt away from the lil nay sayer in my bathroom that waits mocking me with its evil red LCD display? Grrrrrrr..... gosh darn it!

P.S. On the upside, my dear 5 year old daughter was sooooo darned cute giving me a grumpy face for my photo :)))) Wow my kidlets make me smile... fat or thin any day is a better day with them in my arms :)

Toes Tor Two

I adore those lil toes. All 20 of em. They are the feet of my two youngest daughters after Sunday service this afternoon. There lil piggy's finally free after being in ohhh so pretty but very impractical buckle up in white patent leather shoes.

Little moments like these, just little snippets of time are, at least I think, what every mother lives for. Oh sure we love an honor roll moment, we love a prom moment or a nerve racking drivers license moment but these seemingly small almost forgettable ones we will cherish most. The way they sounded at a year padding across the floor, how their innocent eyes light up the first time they see a fire fly or the way their tiny hands clasp around a favorite toy. Ive been blessed recently with more of just these sorts of memories that are so very precious to me, an unexpected plus with my healthier choices.

I started walking outside on our dirt road with my baby daughter (I have four daughters and three sons) in her stroller and my oldest daughter along side. It was wonderful having those quiet moments to connect with her, girl to girl as it were. We dont, as you can imagine, have much alone time. I don't remember the last time I went on 'just a walk' with my daughter and that makes me sad. If I cant remember neither can she :(

So now is a new day, and now is the time for new memories and as I watched her bare feet walk along on our dirt road I smiled at her freedom. She ran ahead, came back to be by me... we talked and she'd dart out into the woods and return again. I have all of those moments locked away safe in my minds eye and I know when she is older and busier and there's less time for walks together and shes much less inclined to play peek-a-boo in the trees I can savor the afternoons we spent on our dusty gravel road.

Just another bonus of a better choice....

1.38 miles = better health
27 minutes spent alone with my daughter = priceless

Morning Has Broken

This mornings breakfast this past week hasn't been like my breakfasts past, if I had any at all. For a full week now I have changed all that I consume and it has so changed me in terms of how I look at food, how I feel about it and how I perceive my body.

When I was out on the deck early this morning, before the kids awoke, just as the sun was coming out, I swear I could here Cat Stevens singing in my ear. I swear my heart seemed to dance looking out over the woods beginning to bloom with buds of green. I swear I saw it like the first morning, like the first day. In a way for me it is.

For me, like a lot of obese people, spring and summer can be scary. Swimsuits, bending over in gardens, running with children and walking with husbands can all be daunting. Yet today and really all of this week I have felt an energy I havent felt in years. I want to get out and do those things and more!

Yesterday the hubby and I were taming the wild bunch of sticks we call our raspberry patch. In this gardening task there is raking and bending and pulling and the hauling of old dead canes. My mind was soooo with it but.... half way through, my mind still go go go and in the project, my body began pooping out on me. I huffed and puffed and whined to the hubby, hes such a dear he spoke words of encouragement instead of being as disgusted as I was. I'm finding it hard to cope with a mind that is finally awake after all this time living in a body that is either numb or when pushed to keep up with my spirit it hurts :(

Working along side my hubby has been one of my goals for becoming fitter and leaner. I want to shoulder all of those physical burdens with him, be his true help mate. In the past I have wanted grand gardens and he has sweated over breaking sod and swung the pick axe for hours removing stumps so I could have my fancy. He never has said for me to help, he never has denied me bigger and better or crabbed about my losing interest after his hard work is done and mine begins (planting and weeding). This summer is different. It already has been...

Still singing: *Morning has broken like the first morning
                    Black bird has spoken like the first bird
                    Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
                    Praise for the springing fresh from the word...*

Whats Up With That?!?

In our family we have a lot. We total nine including Sean and I. We have been blessed with seven wonderful kids ranging in age from 10 months clear up to 18 years. That's a lot of laughs, a lot of tears, a lot of laundry and a whole lotta food.

I went last week to buy my new diet food. Lifestyle food for me. I spent about 4 hours in the store while Sean and a few of the kids patiently waited as I read labels and compared prices. I brought home my haul, claimed a crisper drawer in the fridge, a cupboard for my cans and a small freezer for chicken breasts, shrimp and such. Then I began.

I began my journey into trying to cook totally different. I made my self shrimp stir fry with brown rice while simultaneously making two 9x13 pans of lasagna. I made myself grilled chicken breast while side by side sat pepper jack cheese burgers for the crew. While whipping together two jelly roll pans of pumpkin bars with cream cheese frosting I ate a snack of 1 cup vanilla 0 fat yogurt with 14 almonds. I'm not complaining. Quite the opposite, I didn't cheat and I feel fantastic. But there's a problem.

Hubby eats his dinner, then half of mine. The kids are all pouting they want mamas shrimp instead of the dinner I have made for them. The problem isn't in my cooking two separate meals at each meal time. The problem isn't that I am wanting or craving the ohhhh so yummy goodness of their comfort food fair. The problem is everybody wants the stuff I bought to lose weight.

We have a budget, like any other family. Our grocery budget may seem huge to some since we spend any where from $800 to $1,000 a month on groceries but there are NINE people eating. My budget isn't that flexible. To be honest it was a stretch for me to get the healthy foods I got, thank goodness for my ever compassionate hubby! How sad is it that I can spend that kind of money and basically am feeding the family the very things I got fat on? How sad is it that if I were to try and make meals for all of us going by my new menu for myself we would run out of food half way through the month? Pretty pathetic... Makes me feel like a crap stick mom. A way Ive never felt before when Ive made my kids meals and treats.

No one in my family has a weight problem... but am I setting them up for one? I grew up with very health conscious parents and well, I ended up obese. My hubby grew up in New Jersey where food is the whole point of the day, or at least his day :) and he has no problem. I didn't have a weight problem until I became pregnant, and pregnant, and pregnant ... you get the idea, and I used it as an excuse to sit on my tush and eat enough food to sustain a small country for a year. What to do?

I am feeling really bad about this today. I am not giving in or giving up. I am not going back to eating the way I used to, the 'yummy but unhealthy for me' way they do :( How can I give all of us a healthier meal plan without going broke? I sure would appreciate any ideas, any websites on healthy cooking on a budget, any ways to cut this cost and provide my family with all that they deserve.

Things That Make You Go Hummmmm.....

That's the hubby and I. I often wonder what hes thinking. Really thinking. When we met I wasn't a big girl. Big girls aren't his cup of tea, not that he says it, but from his track record before me. His "type" as it were. They have been, best I can figure, small *I am 5 ft 9 in*, skinny *I am sooo not*, soft spoken *I am usually the loudest one around*, mild tempered *my kids call me 'mama bear' and not just cuz I'm as large as one* and blond *I'm dark, part Lakota Sioux* and generally they just were not anything like me.

Like any good hubby if I ask him about my weight or if he likes this or that he says nothing negative. He is the first to say great job, he is the one I can count on when I'm in need of a hug, but I wonder. I would suppose I'm not unlike many women who gain weight after saying "I do". Does he still find me attractive? Does he inwardly think I'm kinda gross, just like I outwardly think I'm kinda gross? When he makes love to me does he notice all of my rolls? When he says he has dreamed of me in the night, am I fat or thin in his dreams?

He is my inspiration, my love, my joy, my heart, oddly my biggest insecurity and the best part of me. Do I really want to know what hes really thinking? Probably not. Ignorance is bliss in my chubby world right now. I'm looking ahead to the day when I feel secure enough in my own skin to take at face value the good and loving things he says and does. Until then I'm so blessed to have a partner that never bats an eye when I tell him I'm going on yet another diet, never second guesses what I might need and doesn't voice his disappointment when I fail.

Today I am tired. The baby was up most of the night and morning came too soon. Today my back is killing me from my two days of an hour of step aerobics. Today I would gladly waste away my day knitting in my comfy chair, and he would encourage me to do so... anything to make me happy. But today I'm going to think of him. Today I am going to focus on us in the future. A wife that will play with him in the yard. A wife that will climb the fire tower with him to take pictures of fall leaves. A wife that will make love to him under the stars unashamed instead of loathing my self image, afraid he might catch a glimpse of this or that. I'm going to do those damn aerobics for the future me of tomorrow, today.

Uhhhggggg.... Weigh In

Well after 8 days or so of feeling sorry for myself and not really doing anything I finally got back on the horse as of last Saturday (Friday night offically but...) and I feel great! Still HATE those numbers but I feel really energized and upbeat.

The difference, as I said in my post yesterday, I believe is totally from the fact that I have completely rearranged my eating patterns and the types of foods I eat. Switching to whole or real foods has made the biggest difference in the way I feel physically and mentally and also nearly eliminated my cravings.

I got in a bit of a slump there, thinking I couldn't do this on my own. Thinking I needed friends to join me and when they committed but I wasn't hearing from them that put me in a funk... but no more. I am going to do this, I got fat by myself and I'm going to get fit the same way. I guess its time to put on my big girl panties and shut off the nightlight and just face what ever it is I need to face head on.

Yesterday I did a first; I did step aerobics for 1 full hour! I was sooooo excited! My goal is to be able to work up to step aerobics for an hour and a half and weights for a half an hour.... I don't have a set time, I just am working my way there. I know that I want my body to "move in oxygen" for at least 1 to 2 hours a day. It just feels so darn good!

Well from the time I started my Wii fitness journey I have gone from stepping only 20 minutes to 60 and I have lost 8 lbs. I was dieting before I started the Wii Fit and I was 290.5 so its really a total of 18.7 lbs!!!! A long way to go yet I know, but baby I'm on my way! Just a side note about the exercise, it felt soooo good to hear how proud my hubby was of me. He can tell a difference in my attitude and how happy I seem. I'm so blessed to have him as my partner. I'm so thankful he is mine :)

A BIG Change... Stupid no more.

So I decided to make a change. A really big change, at least for me. Actually a few of them. I was reading a book by Susan Powter called The Polotics of Stupid and some kinda lil dinger bell went off or the proverbial light just came glaring on. Now, I just cant see any other way.

I'm not a huge Susan fan. To be totally honest her personality and mine wouldn't mesh well in the real world but gosh darn it for all of her crassness, the woman speaks the truth. Right now in my current obese condition that's all I really care about. Does she speak the truth???.... Answer; she does.

I knew that this time I couldn't starve myself like before. I knew this time I was really feeling desperate and to be honest despondent for the most part with only brief bursts of hope. I seemed to be able to really put effort into diet and such for about 3 days and then I would crash. I thought my crashing was "lack of support" but now I see it for what it really was, or rather is. My crashing isn't some imaginary force that I'm lacking outside of myself. It really isn't self esteem or the lack of it. It isn't the fact that I love to cook and delight in eating it... tons of it. Susan's words helped connect those dots. And a whole lotta dots there were. It simply my lifestyle.

My choices. Even my choices when I'm trying to the right thing. That simple revelation perhaps had it come at any other time I may have come up with a whole list of "but I..." or "but if..." just plain not accepting my role, my control in my choices. My behavior. My lifestyle. I got so hung up in the mental part of it all that I really wasn't seeing the obvious. The obvious is; bad things happen to good people. The reality is; NO ONE has a perfect childhood. The truth is; get the hell over my head and do whats right for my body. The brain will follow. Self esteem will grow when I can take back control of me. I have to respect the body Ive been given, understand how it works at its basic animal level and treat it like it needs to be treated.

So what am I doing that's so earth shatteringly different? I'm eating and not feeling crappy. There's a shock :))) I'm eating real food and although I'm a great cook lets face it the crap I choose to create in the kitchen is what I got so obese on! I am embracing Susan's thinking on this one, after all it made so much sense to me. Real food for my real body. What exactly did that mean to me? It meant like she said... if it didn't grow on a tree or come from Mother Earth in its natural state, don't put it in my mouth. Its not real. Its not real food or good fuel for my real body.

I went to do some big shopping. We do this once a month since we live 45 minutes from literally anything. If we don't have something we cant just run down the street, or for that matter even a few miles and get it. Were stuck and have to wait till our next "in town" opportunity. Anyhow while out on the trip this time I did something simply shocking. I took time for me. It took 4 hours in the store. I never thought I was going to get out of there and not because I hated it or was over whelmed but because I was shocked at how much real food can be found. Instead of going like a robot and getting my usual suspects I did a novel thing; I actually read the labels of of things I was going to put into my body. Hubby was very patient and kind during this as he waited looking at me strangely in the isles when I oohed and awed over things like 100% nectar for my green tea instead of processed white sugar.

You know the funny part? I have been eating this way, totally natural, for 3 days now and not only did I lose 4 more pounds, I feel FANTASTIC! I am not hungry because I feed my "animal" every 2 to 3 hours. I am not cranky because I am not deprived. I am not tired because I am not starving to death. I am feeling something I haven't felt for a long time; contentment with where I'm going. Excited to be on the actual journey not just anxiously awaiting the end.

There are so many things that cannot be covered here. So many parts of what a lifestyle change 'Susans' way entails that I cant really cover it in one lil post. I can tell you the 4 elements...

Eat
Breathe
Move and
Think....

Cant wait to share more, learn more, be more as I uncover all of Mii.

Slackerzzzzzzzzz....

For those of you out there who might not know what this image is its Mii, or more specifically its me on the Wii. I am using my Wii (and not so successfully this week I might add) to track my weight loss and exercise to help me loss weight and give me the visual feed back I seem to need. This is great because I cant really see a 2 lb weight loss on myself, Im just too huge. But I can see it with the handy lil graph and it actually makes me feel like I have accomplished something. I get VERY discouraged very quickly :(

On the Wii Fit whom ever uses it lines up (see me, I'm the really round one in the middle) and then you grab your unfit self and continue on with your specific work out. Look at those lil slackers in my family. If you don't work out regularly your Mii passes out and cant stay awake due to your presumed extreme laziness. Those are but a few of my kidlets on there. Note they are ALL skinny Miis. You have no choice in this by the way. When it measures you it even chimes out in a high pitched voice "Obese!" and then sets your character as fat as it can :(

I was thinking on this picture, why is it some people can eat the same foods as others and not be huge? What makes them stop at 2 cookies when I finish the rest of the whole pan? How can I be more like them in terms of eating when I'm hungry, not for every other reason I can think of, literally. That reminds me its Friday. I kid you not, Friday is an excuse to eat like a pig. Hubby has the day off from work and I don't like him to see me diet so hows this for perverted thinking and radical excuse making.... I eat lots of food so he doesn't know I'm trying to lose weight. DUH!!!!!!! I know, I know, so backward. Wow, am I delusional at times.

So Im gonna tell em. I'm gonna blurt it out in a not so casual way. Ohhhh Ive hinted and said things like, "Id really like you guys to help me not eat so much." or asked on of my sons to be harder on me about exercise but I have never actually let them in. I have asked a couple of friends for support and really put it out there how I just dont think I can do this alone, but to no avail. I really need to make a firm commitment to myself. Perhaps in front of my hubby. Its almost as if I think that if I ask for help or tell him how much of a problem I have that he might finally figure out that I'm fat! :)))))))))))))))))) Ok, I need a hard slap. This man is NOT blind he knows I am fat. Sometimes I wish he was harder on me. Then I suppose if he was to say anything about my weight I would secretly hate him for it.

I did ask hubby to pick up a few things. Green tea and some vitamin B complex for starters. I am going grocery shopping today with him. We always go together and I am shy about picking up "diet food" because I suppose I am afraid of failing in front of him. What I need to realize is that I am failing him by not picking up better foods. I am letting he and the kids down by not making those changes that would make me a healthier mom, a sexier wife. Instead of being the strong one, the proud one, I think I need to humble myself enough to ask for what I need. Even if that means I might fail at times.

Ooey, Gooey and Yummy... Oh My!

I have a problem. I love to cook. No, I really love to cook. LOVE TO COOK. Everything is from scratch and homemade, partly because I have seven kids and economics demands feeding the masses be done without braking the budget. I bake everyday, make huge meals everyday and that isn't really a problem except the fact I love to eat it as much as I enjoy making it.

Now I just thought you should know that I have done this whole thing before. I lost 127 lbs in seven months and all while I was starting my own baking business. It can be done, this dance with food wherein you go out and have a great time with the coconut cream, you just have to learn how to kiss it goodbye at the end of the evening instead of taking it back to your place for a one night stand. One we all know we'll regret in the morning light.

I had that type of love affair with food before and it was a successful pairing. I danced and whipped and frosted but didn't dare to taste and lick or frolic with the enemy. I just cant seem to get that same mind set. I just cant seem to find that strength. I swear some days I seem like I got this and others I am consumed with consuming.

I have been searching everywhere for answers. Is it that I'm stressed? Not really. Am I bored? Not particularly. I do know that when I dumped the extra pounds before I was soooooo focused. I lost that focus when I became pregnant with my fifth child. The pounds started to slowly creep back up. After she was born I felt a little in control but then became pregnant with my sixth child three months after my fifth was born. Then the weight really piled back on.

After he was born I became pregnant two more times and we lost those pregnancies, something so painful to both of us I don't really think either of us dealt with it well. He worked himself to death and I successfully gained back the pounds I had managed to stave off through the previous children. Then baby number seven and bed rest for 10 months :( My only saving grace during that time was I was so sick with her through out the entire pregnancy I actually lost 17 lbs.

Now here we are, done having babies for sure and my little one is 10 months old. I'm just as fat as when I gave birth to her. No more baby excuses to lean on Im searching for that strength I once had to move my mountain of fat. It really does take strength that moves mountains. Inner strength and perhaps that's what I'm lacking. Where to find it, where to find it?

My whole family is thin. They eat all that I do and not a one of them has gotten a real weight problem. Oh my hubby put on a few pounds after a job change where he isn't as physical but nothing I would even notice if I wasn't the one sleeping next to him. Other than that my circle is a thin one save for one or two friends.

Ive asked for support. Ive asked for the shoulders I think I need this time to really no real avail. Yet I know this is one of those solitary journeys. Each must find their own path and walk it. Sometimes though it would be nice just to have some one trudging along beside me. Even Dorothy had the Lion, the Tinman and the Scarecrow to skip along with on her path to Emerald City. But I wont let it get me down, I'm gonna get there. I just have to learn how to be my own best friend, or at the very least be compassionate enough with myself to hold my own hand on my path to 'Onederland'.

Fuchsia Power

Ive been lookin for some really cute dresses to kind of get myself back into the spirit of being some what human everyday. I am not, nor have I ever ever been a pants wearer. I don't own a single pair, not in knit, denim or other wise. Thats right, no shorts or capri's either. I am a dress girl. Always have been so my momma tells me. Ohhhhh I tried even in my thin days to do the "in" thing and wear the jeans all the others were squeezing into but I never liked them.... the fit, the way they looked... the fact they could be worn equally as well by a man :/

When a person has seven kids you tend to, of course and as it should be, put their needs first. Clothing *duh me* being one of them. So since I figured, I never really go anywhere I only had 3 outfits to my name. Yes, 3 dresses hung in my closet. The rest of my stock in clothing is in the form of nighties (jammies) with matching robes. And no, I don't own any PJ pants either :)))) So now I'm on this quest to find pretty clothes. Pretty dresses to be exact for heavy women.

Part of the "new" me is finding the pieces of the old me again that I LIKED. I really liked being "girly". I really liked the feeling that being super feminine gave me. It was almost as if when I put on a beautiful dress and heels I felt like super woman. Super mom, super wife.... its like when I took off the dress and put on the jammies I some how felt less capable, or maybe I just thought less of me. Like June Cleaver without her pearls. Still just as 'June-ish' but there's something about a woman who wears pearls to make a pot roast. You just got the sense that June was in that kitchen because she wanted to be there, in some way she must have. She was obviously dressed to be anywhere else but, and yet she smiled. I know June isnt real... shes an 'ideal', at least for me.

So I'm going for the parts of me that bring out the best in my personality. Being a woman is such a gift and before any one says it, I know being a woman isnt defined by the clothes one wears or the hemline of a skirt. Yet for me I find comfort in the finished look of a made up face and I see confidence in a womans gait when she can master the 4 inch heel. My mothers generation would cringe I know.

So I ordered some beautiful dresses and I am patiently awaiting their arrival. I have been dressed in my own for the last three days.... I have to admit I do miss my jammies, they are soooo comfortable, and I feel fat when I am dressed. I feel fat all the time (duh me again :)))) I AM FAT!!!) but I guess when I am dressed I feel kinda icky. Like I notice how fat I really am when i guess the jammies help me hide that, at least to myself. Facing me, I suppose that's the point of this whole thing.

I have been doing my hair and make up as well. I really went out on a limb and painted my toes bright hot pink. Fuchsia Power. Oddly enough simple things like pretty toes does make me feel, if not more powerful, at the very least more upbeat. My 4 year old son was in shock. He had only seen his sisters with painted toes as I have not done it in so very long. He asked me why I did it. I said "Because I am a girl." What he said next shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. He looks at me with his big brown eyes and says quite seriously "Your not a girl, your a mommy!"

And there you have it. Outta the mouths of babes......