Frame of Mind....

I got this new book ... yeah a new diet book, no laughing :P Great read I must say. If you like the scientific explanations of things in an easy to understand type lingo this is for you. Jackie Warner This is why your fat (and how to get thin forever) is a really good book. Of course I dug the diet stuff but the stuff i found really interesting was the metaphysical stuff. Like what you think about yourself is what you become.... I honestly think its true... no laughing again here :P

Since I have reevaluated my thinking and what I did last time to achieve success I keep losing weight. I honestly havent really been dieting. But I did and continue to, write down (journaling) how I am succeeding, what my success looks like and that I am simply going to lose the weight. Its not a question.... its not a hope, its a reality. Its just simply the time. I have things to do and really have no purpose for this fat any more. Im quite simply letting go.

She talks about this a bit in her book. The principal of the basket ball player who envisions making the free throw over and over before he ever touches the ball and low and behold he is more successful than if he had simply just taken the shot. We think and there for we are.... or become. But you have to be ready. I really liked this book over all.

I tried to remember where my successes came from last time when i lost all that weight. I remember I felt like I was just simply "done". I thought i was done having kids; on that I was wrong obviously :))) But I distinctly remember the feeling of being "done" with being fat. Not a frustrated feeling. Not a desperate "I want to be thin" feeling but more of a feeling that it had served his purpose and wasnt useful to me any more therefor I needed to put it down instead carrying it forward with me. And I did. In seven months without falter I let go of 127 lbs. And then I got preggers :)))))) and picked it alllll back up again :)))))

I have that same feeling now. The lbs are dropping off, I honestly have only gone out on my walk 2 times since getting my shoes. I do move around more, part of the move more plan, but its not contrived or organized. I dont orchestrate my movements as in a "walk" or "workout". I know, I know not good and prolly inefficient but again.... its working. Ive simply been doing more actual living. I have been painting, something I have put off for a year now. I have been outside gardening or simply just outside goofin with the kidlets.

I have weigh in again on Saturday for the contest. I am not panicked which is weird. I feel like Im gonna sweep this thing simply because Im not on a diet.... now how ass backwards is that???? I am making some better food choices but still eating what I want... just less of it. I have tuned into my tummy, not the calories and when I feel the food actually touch it, which is different than feeling full, I stop. I simply stop and give what ever I am eating to the nearest person to me to finish. I have found that when the food can be actually "felt" not full (just the slightest feeling that was hard for me to grasp at first.) that if I stop when I feel the food, that i will feel satisfied some minutes later when i walk away.

Normal thin people do not eat a set counted out amount of calories. They do not weigh their food or measure it in cups.... they eat until they are satisfied. They eat when they are hungry and you know what, they stop BEFORE they are full. Full isnt satisfied. Theres a difference and I had to learn what it was.

This is just what I have observed in my small circle of normal weight people. By no means am I saying every single person is like this. I really think this weight thing is a mind trip of the most physical kind. A journey unique to the individual.

Anywhoooo....
Its dinner time in these parts and hubby is grilling rib eye.... I could have turkey but Im havin steak. Im gonna savor it, I may only get three bites before I feel it in my tummy and have to pass my plate :))))

The Butt Crack Of Dawn

I have literally been up since before the sun peeked over the horizon. I decided to get a jump on painting the living room before the kidlets woke up. I am on my third coat. Primer people.... dont ever try and kid yourself into thinking you dont need it, Im frustrated living proof of that. grrrrrrr.... upside? What a terrific arm work out Im getting!

So, Im thinking of going on a water fast. I dunno, clean out the ole system kinda thing. Have any of you ever tried one? For how long? Thoughts on water fasts? Maybe I have just been up too darn tootin long smelling paint fumes ....

Wishing you all a wonderful Monday :)

NSV... Back In The Bedroom

Cover your ears young ones, the adults are talkin'. Im talkin bout a NSV (non scale victory) of the best kind... the kind the hubby notices :)

The scale has been jumpin down darn tootin fast as of late. This morning it said 262 but never count your lost pounds so Ive learned until they have hatched into a perfectly recorded weigh in day. A whole lot can happen between now and then as all who have ever dieted know all to well. I still havent really noticed all that much my own self except that I fit better in my sons smallish pimp mobile for a car. Other than that, not really feelin it. But then again, if there were a 281 pile of bear crap in my yard would I notice if in the night someone stole 19 lbs of the ugly stuff? Prolly not so Im not too butt hurt that I dont, or that no one else really, has been noticing every lil pound fall off. Until today....

So hubby is my world. Anyone who knows me knows I am to die for gaga over that man. I love the smell of him, the sight of him, the taste of him, the sound of him and the feel of him along with a couple of extra senses Im sure he excites in me. It is also very special Sunday mornings. No matter what... come hell or high water we are together. It doesnt matter whats going on, what we have planned for the rest of the day or if weve been arguing the night before; Sunday morning is the sweetest day of the week in my house. We wake up before the kids, we touch base not as a man and wife, not as a mother and a father but as just a guy and a girl. We take time to... well we just take time which isnt easy at all since we have seven kids and he has two jobs.

He noticed this morning... right there, in the middle of me being self conscious all the while hes blissfully unaware of my inner turmoil about letting him see "this or that"... he noticed. My tummy is flatter ... as simple as that. Its flatter, he is closer... he noticed! I know, I know TMI moment but this is a big deal for me. Part, a huge, huge part of the reason why I am on this journey is for just this reason and to hear feel and see that its coming to fruition is a relief. Its an excitement. Its a feather in my cap to keep me flying while I whittle my way down through the numbers.

Thats all I got... it was a small thing, left me with a huge smile :) Wishing you all a wonderful Sunday ... hope you spend it with someone that you love *hugs*

One Of Those Moments

Have you ever had one of those moments when the stars just seemed aligned and all was right with your lil world? Ive been feelin that for a wee bit now. Like, well something is just "on my side" or maybe... for once... I am on my own side. Whichever it is Ill take it.

Weight loss is clicking along, the kids... bang on... hubby, sexy as ever and I get to have em all to my wee self; what could be better? Well you all know, well maybe not but anyhow, I assume you all know that I am a wanna-be photographer. It is my passion. Its me love. I literally get high taking photos, or at the very least what I assume high feels like :)))) The other day when I was all ranting and pissy I focused my anger and mind else where because bitching just wasnt cutting the mustard. (BTW now posted on my Fbook "When I lose this weight, watch out ladies..." WTF?!?) 

Anywhoooooo.... I got a few shots I loved and from that I finally came up with my name for my photography!!! I know, boring but for me this was huge... I have been noodling around with this for 3 years and nothing had hit me. With my photography I have never moved forward much more than a baby step here, a side step there until the other day. Nothing said, "You are here, and this is where youre going." so I didnt know which direction to take.

This revelation has really re focused so many things for me. The realization of my oldest leaving the nest... Lilly~Anne turning one... not having any more children, its all coming together, and not necessarily in a bad way either. This is the FIRST time in my adult life, since I was 17 years old and engaged, that I am simply me. I am not breastfeeding, or pregnant, or conceiving or worrying about becoming pregnant. I am a mother to be sure, but my body is my own. So foreign to me, you just dont know. And this new revelation brings with it new opportunities and new challenges and I am just feeling full to the brim with blessings. I am excited about where it might take me.

Without further adieu, although I am not going to use these as finals mind you... these were just quicky shots done on the fly, but they inspired my direction so greatly. I can now proudly announce:

Mary Jane 

Studios

I know my giddiness is prolly not wholly understood here, but if you have ever owned a business and struggled with image, and direction and "your place" you'll understand. It is the difference between picking a nice name for your baby, and picking the name. Honestly, the same feeling ...

So here we go. Hubby is on board and were gonna make this happen. I cannot even remotely express the excitement I feel. Just exactly how on target this is for me. I was always nervous and although I have a long way to go Im so ready for the challenge. After all the cosmos are on my side; or at the very least Im just severely blinded by the stars in my eyes :)))) At any rate Im ready... its that simple; Im ready.

Weigh In Time Again

So it was weigh in time again over at the Phatloss contest. I was sposed to weigh in today but i reached my 5% yesterday and was excited and shot the video a day ahead. I shoulda waited because today I was down another pound but I will save it for next week. My goal is to hit another 5% in 3 weigh ins. The contest is a 12 week run so thats a good ole chunk off weight if I can keep it up :)

The contest isnt how many lbs a person loses, its based on how much % you shed. I hit my 5% and as far as I know from the other entry videos I think by golly I might be winning! The prize is $500.00 which is a great incentive but more than that the people in the contest are awesome! They are all so supportive ad everyone is really trying hard to be encouraging and caring about the others who have joined the weight loss community on You Tube. It reminds me of the people I have found here in Bloggersville. I honestly dont think I would be able to fight this fight alone... not this time.

So the weigh in is here.... in case you wanted to watch. I warn you, I have not combed my hair and or put on make up. I woke up yesterday morning with tons to do and had smudged make up on from the night before :))) Also, the moment is a stolen one in the bathroom :))) The kidlets are trapped inside for the third day in a row due to rain and OMGoodness are they loud in the background :P

Wishing all of you out there a great weekend :)

P.S. Clyde and Sharon... thanks for the encouragement the other day when I was all full of piss and vinegar.    *hugs*

P.S.S. Oops, I forgot to put my weight in here for people who dont watch the video :))) At weigh in yesterday it was 266.5 today it was 265 even but I wasnt holding the camera and I didnt have shoes on... all in all thats 14.5 lbs for the contest and 5.5 lbs this week :)

The Calm After The Sh#t Storm

Feeling much better today. I had a really pissy and fired up day yesterday as some of you may have read... dont say I didnt warn ya :))) Im happy I got it out of my system at least... lets move on ward and up ward as they say.

I have weigh in tomorrow for the contest and I might jinx it by saying this but I reached my first 5% yesterday morning and it was still holding true as of an hour ago so lets hope I dont bloat like a whale over the next 24 hours before the camera comes on! I spent yesterday taking a few photographs for my new intro for my videos and it kept my head in a good place while I was having my tantrum. I see other peoples videos have lil intros and I thought it might be fun. Plus Im thinking this will be kind of a fun record when Im done with losing the weight of where I started from and how I did through the process.

Heres a pic I took yesterday of my 5 year old girl. My name in the contest is phatlilmaryjane cuz well I love high heels and Mary Janes are my favorite :P Here she is in one of my favorite pairs the lil cutie :)

I guess I did learn something valuable yesterday during all of that. I really wanted to eat. I mean I was hot, and angry and pissy and I wanted to eat everything because thats how I stuff down my feelings most times. But I let it out yesterday. I wrote about it here, and I wrote about it in my journal. I was still focusing on it too much and instead of making food my focus I shifted to my creative side; enter photography. I literally can spend hours taking pictures. I can sit day dreaming of shots Id like to see, and making the shot happen can take a day or more. Then comes the editing process... i love it all, such a passion for me. Heres the thing... the whole while I was shooting and putting together my stuff, I wasnt obsessing about food. I wasnt focused on anything but the beauty in the pictures. I guess I am slowly learning how to control the gluttonous monster within.

I have a couple of photo shoots coming up and I think Ill accept more even though I dont feel all that ready. I have a feeling this could be another tool in my efforts to struggle with my temptation to over eat. My morbid obsession with hurting myself with food. Im just gonna start filling my plate with beauty, one shot at a time.

Having A Grrr Moment....

Your entering the bitch zone. Youve been warned and if you have a particular aversion to seething bitchiness I suggest you stop reading right where you are. If you continue reading, consider yourself warned and if i happen to offend.... sorry bout your luck.

With that said, the item to your left was on a post on my FaceBook page. I wrote it out and hung it on my fridge. Could be quite motivating... but NOT for the reason you might be thinking. Remember back about two weeks ago when I posted about my hubbys friend Nick and his wife Jen getting the gastric bypass? The feelings I related that day were, and still are genuine. The item on my fridge is something she posted to FBook today infact. The friggin bitchy f'in pissy part? Well here ya go....

When she had the surgery she posted how wonderful her hubby was for taking care of her after surgery. Nothing abnormal there, actually it was kind of sweet. Then all her friends comments came. "OMG Jen what did you have surgery for?" and things like "What happened, are you ok?" And this from friends and family mind you. She doesnt say anything to this for a couple of days and so it goes on. Now Sean (my hubby) is telling me that she has decided to keep it hush, hush which to that I think, whatever. Its her body right? But why post on FBook? If your not seeking the attention that is.

So anyhow she couldnt leave the "What happened?" questions unanswered right? She posts "I was having some stomach issues." Are you f@cking serious! Like what? I-ate-too-many-dind-dong-a-litis issues? You mean I-cant-keep-away-from-the-fridge-erousis issues? Cuz I suffer from those too and didnt know I could just call my lazy, fat, selfishly obese ways a "stomach issue"... more like I have a character flaw if you ask me. I was even fine with that until today.

So I wake up and she posts this lil charm. To me it sounds like, if I didnt know any better, shes suffering like the lot of us who DO in fact sit back and watch our families eat things like farkin' creamy alferdo bow tie pasta while we have a roasted bell pepper and a turkey GDamn link!!!!! If I didnt know any better Id think she really earned those f'in 22 lbs through sweat like MM and Al and Clyde! If I didnt know the f@ckin truth I might be proud of her the way I am when Sharon struggles for each and every scale victory!!!!! IF I DIDNT KNOW!!!!! But I do... and the rest of FBook doesnt. She gets to sit back and lap up the compliments about being on a healthy DIET!!!!!!! while reaping the rewards of having no f'in choice in doing so!

Before anyone touts the GDamn fact that surgery isnt the "easy" way out f the hell off... Firstly, the vast majority of people I know getting it, with the exception of one person, have no real critical health issues why they cant diet another way. Its not harder, or people wouldnt opt to get an ELECTIVE surgery like that done over the "much easier" method of diet and sweat. If I could go to sleep, suffer a few weeks of pain but be FORCED not to eat wow would that relieve my sick f@ckin' brain from the struggle I am constantly in. Another thing. They have to lose weight BEFORE the surgery. If you can lose weight to have it then pray tell.... why are you considered unsuccessful at dieting? WTF people? Lets call a spade a spade here.

She had it great. If thats the way she needed to do it fine. I say how ever the heck we can battle this thing than by all means get it the frig done but good god do not pretend its something other than what it is. All for what? So you can have some sort of Star Jones moment? Do not take away from people who struggle each and every day to fight that good fight when youve had some one fight it for ya. Be honest, or dont f'in mention it all.

Clyde, you told me to use it. To keep it as a fire to chase her and GDamn it Clyde I am .... I lost this weight before... 127 lbs in 7 months fast enough to rival any surgeons skill and I did it by my own hand. I will earn every freakin inch lost. I will DESERVE every ounce of satisfaction in my OWN accomplishment. I want to say, to all of you who have lost weight and to those who are still battling. I am soooooo proud of your honesty. I am sooooooo routing for you in every way. This goes for those I know who are fighting it the natural way and to some I know who I have followed their journey through weight loss surgery. Its not the surgery that has got my dander up, its the lie that went with it. Thanks to all for being who you truly are... admitting your strengths and your weaknesses.

The picture of me you see to the right was taken shortly after my 6th child was born. It is a pic my hubby took on his way out the door with his cell phone. He was taking 3 of the kids to go see family 1,200 miles away in New Jersey and wanted a shot of me. It has long since been one of his favorites, not because I dont think of the particular shot, but for the "image" it gave him. I want to be her again. I was by no means a tooth pick, but I was confident. I felt sexy, I felt self assured and I knew my place. This whole thing, its just makin' me want her back. I want her back for him. After all they say living well is the best revenge.

Sorry bout my bitch fest, but its really how I feel. Cant say I didnt warn ya.... its just one of them days.