The End Result

So .... I have been writing every time I'm feeling a bit weird food wise instead of just eating. Remember a lil bit back I said I needed to write it out? Write those feelings out and such? Well it must be working because it hasn't been that bloody long, I have not been exercising like I should (shoes will be here tomorrow!) and I haven't been eating just healthy foods. Whats different then? I haven't been eating when I'm angry, or stressed, or gosh forbid bored. I have been writing those feelings out and some how by writing it it makes it more real to me, it becomes purged in a strange sort of way as a tangible thing that's out of me instead of a feeling that I want to stuff down; with a pound of pasta.

So to what end? Well since the day I started my writing thing ... the 23th of May; I have dropped 6.5 effortless pounds. I have eaten grilled burgers. I have eaten rhubarb crisp with ice cream. I even indulged in Doritos which is a rare thing in this house. But I haven't denied myself. Nor have I over indulged. This week I will start my walking again because I love it and my shoes are finally coming. But Ill be honest, I'm not going to walk as a regimented form of exercise. I'm going to walk only because it feels good to do so. I'm going to strap my tennis shoes on because I want to... not have to.

I have found something interesting out about myself during this rather short experiment. If I set myself up in a situation where it is only win or lose, I inadvertently set myself up to fail. I seem to go all or nothing and that's not good with anything. Even too much of a good thing is bad for ya. Eat less, move more. That's the bottom line for me.

I'm learning to really listen to myself, to hear what it is Im really saying inside this brain of mine. I am not on auto pilot.... I'm flying this B52 solo and I plan to make it all the way around this time. No diet, no plan almost sound like flying by the seat of my pants but its not. Im listening to all the dials... paying attention to my readings. After all this is a lifetime flight, you only get one chance to go round this big ole world.

Hope yall are havin one heck of a great weekend :)

Those Lil Devils

So they (whom ever the heck 'they' really is) say the egg is the perfect food. Who can beat it for its versatility, protein punch and affordability? Few can compare and lets face it, eggs are available to everyone across the income spectrum.

I have seen Rocky down them raw on the silver screen; I'm certainly not goin' there. Ive seen Adam on Man vs. Food attempt to eat an omelet the size of a literal serving platter; I'm not down with downing a dozen eggs. But ohhhh I love me a deviled egg and that's what I had for lunch.

Sounds naughty with the mayo and all but I measured it out to one perfect tablespoon and threw out a yolk to even the playing field. A smoothie to top it off and I didn't do too bad calories wise at under 350 for the whole shebang. I hear tell that protein is sposed to stave off hunger. That's what I'm goin' for... staving off that which drives me...CraZy

~HoneyB~

The Panic...

has set in today :( Ok now what i am about to write down here I will prolly regret instantaneously but what the heck, its about the journey and about figuring this thing out and being honest with myself and sometimes that doesnt fit into cute lil packages. Some times Im just not nice and today is one of those days.

Here goes. My hubby has a best friend he works with,  Nick is a terrific guy. Great family, nice wife, they have 4 kids and so on. Well, here comes the pouty me part. His wife is a big girl and she gets to have the surgery! TODAY! Today ppl.... that means my hubby will be the only guy left at work with a fat wife. I know this sounds stupid, sounds childish I know, I know but still I feel it. I cant lie, I feel the pressure.

I just want to state right off the bat that Nick is dead set against the surgery. He and Jen have been in some serious arguments over this thing and he has really had some major concerns hes been expressing to my hubby. Hes a loving guy though and he has said he will be supportive of her no matter what she decides. He says the same as my hubby; he says he wishes she wouldnt do it, he doesnt want her to "change". Sounds sweet doesnt it? I wonder.

I think Nick and my hubby are in the same boat some what. Both against anything like surgery, both have never had weight issues, both say the same things to Jen and I.... but when Jen does this thing and the fear of her getting hurt from the surgery is passed you cant tell me Nick isn't going to be all over happy about her getting thinner. Hes gonna be loving that from a physical stand point. So as happy as they are with us now, and I believe they are, I know they both miss the girls they married. Nicks about to get his back.

I dont know if its true for men but weight colors everything for us women. It isnt just about clothes fitting right it follows us into the bedroom as well. There are certain things I will do with hubby that I have to tell ya, I would enjoy if I wasnt looking like a shar pei puppy with rolls up and down when he sees me from the back ... Im just sayin' people... it crowds out or rather into a lot of places, and intimate ones as well or more than any other area. Nicks going to have his bedroom back. And every guy is a happier guy about that.

So whats all this panic doing to me? Well I dont have the compulsion to over eat, thats for sure. I do have the urge to call my doc and schedule an appointment. Which I wont, but I really, really wanna I wont lie. Wonder if I should call the dentist and get my mouth wired shut instead :)))

So there it is. My ugly lil fit today. Its funny because I honestly dont feel jealous of Jen, Im happy for her she gets to be released after today from fat hell. I feel envious of Nick. I feel sorry for my own hubby. this whole thing feels like some one fired the gun at one of my swim meets when I was a kid. I literally feel frozen on the block though. Instead of the sound of the shot scaring me into immobility I have to think of it as a good ole slap on the arse to dive in and get movin'.

Just Thought Id Share....

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."

~Saint Francis De Sales~

Rearranging...

Just a couple of mad ramblings today is all I got :)))

Well I started rearranging my home. All 2,650 square feet of it and then I'm going to start on the building I call my studio (600 sq ft) but is going to be my future one room school house for the wee ones as today is their last day of public school. YEAH!!!!I have decided the baby is going to be one on June 1 so I am commandeering her nursery for my "project" room. I need my own space and since the lil ones are taking over my studio this appears to be the only place I have left to even consider.

This is a huge project. HUGE. There are 9 people living in our home. 9 people have a lot of stuff. I have set out to go item by item and assess its usefulness and purge at will. No clutter. No frills. No gratuitous "fluff". This has proven to be a therapeutic thing along the way. I have redone one bathroom complete with painting and my own art work (I did shots of all of the girls feet :)

These are my oldest daughters dirty colorful toes.

My mind is a jumble of things, rearranging my physical world always helps my mental state. Plus it goes with my whole "move more eat less" thing I got going. I know house work doesnt sound all that taxing but lemme tell ya, if you spend 6 hours in a day painting with a roller... its works those arms and the legs and butt with all the squatting and crouching and all.

I have been trying to really look at the "normal" weight people in my life and see what common traits they share. One of them is they seem to always be moving. They seems to have less of a tendency than I too put things off until later. They do things even when they don't feel like it just because it needs to be done. They rarely skate by on the bare minimum in terms of activity. I'm beginning to conclude that my obesity is as a huge out word manifestation of my chronic procrastination habits.

If I were honest and not politically correct I would dare say it would stand to reason, the fatter one is, the lazier one is. Ouch, did I say that out loud? It isn't a four letter word its just an adjective and yet it carries so many connotations, so much levity. Lets look at the facts though before we get all offended. Huge people do less because its harder to do those things that thin people have no trouble doing. Its like a vicious circle. We move less because we weigh more and we weigh more because we move less; but I wonder, if I just did all my days like I faked it this weekend and ate normal instead of like the super sized me, how would I change?(BTW I was dying earlier this week from all of the crouching down and squats I did while on that nearly 2 hour shoot. The muscles in the backs of my legs were killing me and I dare say the thin ladies I was photographing didn't wake up Monday morning with leg cramps from squatting their asses in the sand).

I had my normal sized hubby wear my pedometer for a bit. He walked on average 15,000 steps!!! You know what I average with out walking for exercise? Around 4,500 steps. Seriously!!!!! I am baking, cooking, cleaning, watching kids, doing laundry and puttering round the house. I am wayyyyy under the 10,000 steps they say a healthy human should travel during a day. Again; move more eat less. I gotta kick the lazy out of my buns. Even a house wife has 10,000 steps in her BEFORE exercise. If I want to affect the core of me, change what got me here in the first place I have to alter this lazy tendency.

The journey begins with a single rearranged and prearranged step...

Sometimes I Feel...

...as if I were trapped in a world of prefab everything. Were told how to look, how to act, how to be and how really NOT to be. What it all says to me is "You are never good enough... you will always be flawed."

Ever since I was a small girl I was told how "pretty" I was and I wondered even then what that meant. I knew at times it meant I could bat my lashes and get away with things my brothers couldnt. I became a young lady and developed fast. I learned that a tiny waist and huge breasts can carry a girl purdy darned far if she didnt really care where it was she was going or how she got there. When I was a young woman of 18 I was married. I learned bargains could be made between a hubby and a wife for alllll kinds of things *wink* and that theres just simply a power in being a woman; sometimes.

We don't have much media in our home. We try not to buy into commercialism too much but then ... well what can I say I think as a woman there's a pressure. I don't know if there is for a man. I never have heard one ask if his ass looked fat in his jeans, but I myself have been reduced to tears by my less perky chest line. Who am I crying for? Me? Or am I upset I cant live up to what I think I am supposed to be? Am I afraid my hubby will be less than thrilled at the thought of touching my too squishy thighs and derriere? Would I even notice it if I weren't told that it SHOULD be different? Or would I think my breasts were fine for all of the children they have nursed and would I celebrate my stretch marked tummy for all the life it has created? What would I think if no one told me HOW to think? What would my hubby think if society didn't dictate a Barbie wife in every home? Question after question... never to be answered.

I wrote this poem a while back, it seems to suit my mood as of late as if its my mantra I would love to scream to the world.


BLOOMING WOMAN

If I were a flower would you let me truly open?
Would you drink in the scent of my petals full?
Would you bask in the beauty that is woman
wholly without reservation,
without judgment,
without condemning it
to preset functions and precut form.
Would you appreciate the colors of my being
without having me to capture,
just content to live within its rapture.
Could you let me grow by rivers bank wild
or would you dare to pick my spirit clean
and set me amongst the windows of your caged ego
left to be an accent to you, in your need for ornamentation.
Can you leave behind your want and ever present desire
to acquire that which you truly cannot have?
You are man; a rock strong and true and yet
how much stronger am I, the flower, than you?
For I am woman, the sacred vessel
in whom all life grows.
I alone hold life’s best kept secrets
The ones that only Mother Earth knows.
~HoneyB~

"Education Is The Progressive Realization Of...

Our Own Ignorance." Yes, I am quoting Bubbles from the Power Puff Girls. Who the heck knows who she was quoting :))))) Still, its relevant to me this week . I always think I got this, I think I know something and then I find I really don't know anything at all.

Ive already done this weight loss thing. And I maintained it cuz I thought my 4th was my last baby. I know what you gonna say "But you gained it all back." and thats true... I did. I haven't quite figured out my food issues when I'm preggers. I eat enough for sextuplets. After a 127 lbs lost one would think you might know how to achieve that again. Not so easy. So after a reality b*@ch slap in the face this weekend I sat down and really thought about what I did before. Not food, not exercise but what my mind did before. Those are very different things. Every idiot knows you cant eat a gallon of Maple Nut ice cream every night and magically become a size 2. Eat less move more blah, blah, blah... I think were all smart enough to know that... the real question is what makes us 'dumb' enough not to.

I had a photo shoot this weekend. Family of 11 and can I say I NEVER have had to fake my way through something as much as I had this past weekend. It was at the lake, I had to bend, lay in the sand, get in the water (clinging dress *sniff, cry*) and just act in general like I had my crap together. Well people I freaking dont. Inside I was dying. I sat on the beach and the lower I had to crunch down the more my stomach and boobs threatened to smother me. I feared if I laid on my belly Green Peace would roll up in a rescue raft screaming "Heave Ho Boys, She cant breathe!!! Roll 'er back in!!!" I was uncomfortable to say the least.

I came home and after editing and getting out the photos yesterday I sat and did an inventory of what it takes to do this thing. I mean really, what did it take for me to get in, and stay in, the mindset to lose 127 lbs for petes sake??? I figured some things out. Some crucial things I had been missing, or at least had been asking for in places where I must have known they didnt exist. I have been thinking I need all of this support. Like somehow this comes from outside of myself and its not true. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE to have people in my life that are on the same journey. I adore that because theres a connection there that the "others" in my Lost world dont really get. I need the comradeship but the kind of support I was 'looking' for just doenst exist outside of myself.

How did I fix this last time? I wrote. I don't mean here, or to anybody or for anybody. I wrote out my obsession. I wrote through my hunger, my pain, my day to day struggle with myself. I wrote things in my journals I would never dare tell another soul, but I could admit to myself... then I could see it and purge it and be done with it. I filled 5 subject spiral notebooks like a mad woman. I shifted my focus from the outside stimuli to my inside feelings what ever they were and was able to push through them where no amount of help from anything external short of a shock collar would have sufficed. So I'm back to being spiral bound and it's cathartic in a way. I feel back on track but hesitate to say it. Im doing this quietly. Ill shout loudly when I need to in my own way in black and white between the sheets of an old comfortable friend.

On a "lighter" note I did enter the contest. The thought of updating that hideous video is appalling but then again when I was losing before I videoed nakey every 10 lbs for my eyes only of course. It was like some freak show of shrinkage in fast forward. The sickest part of that whole video experience? I literally couldn't tell even nakey until I had lost over 50 lbs. :))))) Onward and upward right?